I am doing a lot of growing as a person. I am constantly evolving and coming to new realizations about life and the way the world works every day. I am realizing and discovering new things about myself as well. This is good. This is very positive. I cannot grow and blossom into a full fledged woman until I recognize and overcome a lot of the issues that I have. No one is perfect, especially not me. But I have to take things for what they are and find closure and move on. I’m looking at this period in my life as a chaotic and haphazard time, from which a lot of learning is coming from. Never before in my life have I had the opportunities which I have now, and you only have one life to live and I’m not going to waste any of that life.
That being said, I’m still not out of the woods. My life is getting closer and closer to the possible point of resuming somewhat of a normal lifestyle.
We had another meeting this past Monday which I felt was positive. I am thoroughly convinced by this point, and they continue to prove to me, that they are not out for the best interests of my children or my family or me. That is but my personal opinion of course, what do I know? There was some talk of returning the girls to my custody with him getting supervised visitation. Nothing is set in stone though, but it was discussed. We have another meeting scheduled for right after Labor day in which I, alone with limited support, will have to face the people on this possibility and other things. They take notes on my hostility, if you can imagine how hostile I can actually be. We have to wait for the prosecutor to decide what she feels is a feasible option and she will get back to us sometime this following week. In the meantime, we are still preparing for trial mid next month. We’re starting to pull in the expert witness, and I know I shouldn’t gripe, because I feel she is an essential integral part of all of this, if we start working with her, I have to pay her, which is fine, but if we start working with her and then they decide they aren’t going to pursue temporary custody in juvenile court and we no longer need her services, I’m still out $1500 even though I won’t have to pay her full price. That’s a deposit on a new place. L
I am pretty upset about some things that we should have, once again, been told from the very beginning. We should not all of a sudden find out what they have been asking us all along was something so specific. And disturbing as well, I wouldn't want to ever ask it of anyone else, that's for sure. But such things are not of my concern, only that they are accomplished. But I feel terrible.
I have to do what I have to do. I’ve been feeling a lot more optimistic lately but that could just be me. I don’t know. I’m not counting the days, because I don’t like to handle major disappointment, but I really feel like I will get these girls back sometime next month. So in the meantime, I’m planning for their return.
I’ve been looking at houses and other apartments to rent. I really think a change of venue would be beneficial for both myself and for the girls. We are going to start a new life. I’m going to get a piano. Life has thrown other options at me other than what I was planning for, so I just have to roll with the punches. Marilyn is excited about moving when we talk about it. I also feel like it would give me a chance to clean up and clear out and simplify. This was our family home and we will never be a family as we were ever again. I don’t want any lingering reminders of the life that we lost, and no matter what, there’s too much history here.
The girls are doing well. Marilyn is such a girl. I’m constantly taken aback by 1. How much she eavesdrops on conversations and how nosy she is. 2. How much she really knows. 3. How she morphed into such a girly girl in such a short time. She’s quite the character and quite bossy. I’m a bit concerned with some issues that are starting to really wear on me with her. She’s majorly got separation anxiety and it is such a pain to take her to daycare in the morning because she never willingly wants me to go. Mallory is fine, she’s already sitting down at the table waiting for breakfast before we even walk out of the door. I have to peel Marilyn off of my lap with the assistance of her teacher every single day and it breaks my heart every time. Bedtime is also an issue. I’ve always coslept and I have gotten into the habit of laying down with them until they are at a comfortable point to fall asleep. They are my babies, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Anyhow, Marilyn goes into a full fledged tantrum when I try to leave her at night before she is sleeping. She begs me to lay down with her. This evening was a terrible example of that, where at 2:30 in the morning when I awoke (usually I’m home much much earlier because they are set with their bedtime schedule but I was really tired today) and tried to leave, Marilyn was not completely asleep or something and she started crying and screaming when I got up and tried to go. I laid down with her but I’m at a loss. She’s really been emotionally affected by this whole situation and not in a good way. She has no security. I told her that mommy and daddy will always love her and she can keep all of that love in her heart and that she will never ever ever be away from us like she was ever again. I also told her that God loves her and no matter what, God is always with her. That seemed to work a bit and she was fine when I left an hour later. Fine as in she knows I’ll be back in the morning. She tries to bribe me with all sorts of things to get me to stay with her all night. Her and grandpa are going to buy me a wedding dress with pink feathers and everything if I stay with her all night and don’t go. That’s what she told me. (That’s another thing, she talks about weddings and wedding dresses a lot. I have no idea where she’s getting this stuff from because I certainly don’t talk about it.)
Mallory is doing really well. She copies everything that Marilyn does. It’s funny how they can be the best of friends one moment until they start fighting. And it isn’t quite an equal match, because Marilyn is older and smarter, but Mallory is tougher and eventually will surpass Marilyn in size. And Mal is really smart too, and tricky. They aren’t babies anymore, they are smart and competent little girls. We had a nice week and yesterday we went to the dollar store and they got to pick out a bunch of stuff and then we went to Chuck E. Cheese’s and then we got pizza! They then got to play with their aunt in a little kid tent and watch Pippi Longstocking (which they both LOVE despite my mixed feelings about how good of a role model Pippi really is….).
I’m running terribly behind on their birthday party planning, if anything I’m just going to make it a bit later than usual. I hate having to work around Labor Day weekend. (But I still will always get to say that I went into labor ON labor day with Marilyn!) Marilyn wants a Hello Kitty party at the park and so my biggest struggle has been finding a closely located park with all of our required amenities. I found a desirable location but I have to make some phone calls to find out about the bathroom availability. I haven’t quite had the time to do so because I’ve been making lots of other calls. (One note, Medicaid is such a pleasure…truly….) and handling many other things. But by the end of this week I will have the invitations in the mail or delivered. This is my goal by Thursday at the latest.
I get so sad because I really really really tried. I did. And I feel like none of it mattered because it all unraveled anyhow. Everything I tried to shield them from they were exposed to in excess anyhow. I’m a good parent and all of my authority has been ripped away from me.
So I’m making a mental list. I should probably write it down on paper. When I do get these girlies back, even just me, we are going to make up for all of our lost time. This summer was supposed to be our big hoorah because I’ll probably be working full time by next summer. But we will have our fall and I don’t work that much where we will have lots of time to do everything that we want to do. It’s very difficult to work on someone else’s schedule, and on top of that he works a regular 9 to 5. I definitely don’t. But I’m planning. That’s how I do and how I stay on top. I plan and execute and thrive on such. And if option A falls through, I’ve already got a plan B and a plan C in the works. I’m resilient and adaptable.
So that’s that. I’ve been going through an interesting time lately and I feel like I’m finally coming back to reality. This isn’t my midlife crisis (because I’m not midlife nearly!) but it is my life crisis and there have been a lot of things that I have had to deal with (outside of this terrible situation) emotionally. Matters of the heart are always difficult.
But I will prevail. Because I’m awesome.
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