Cut Short

 Right now I am in an existence cut short. There is barely any room for me to exist. 

I am challenged by time; energy; ability; technology

The only guarantee is challenge

I'm so tired of it

4:30 Jam

It’s 4:30 and that’s my jam.

M4 was shifting and stirring and mumbling and then peed a ton and by the time I had woken and reawaken and then adjusted it turns out I wasn’t so tired as I was; so I am taking this precious work opportunity in this moment to seize this time for myself. The space heater is on; the laptop is charged; I am nearby enough if she frightens or stirs I can reach her with ease. This is how I will manage to get anything done.

I could throw a pity party of many dimensions; but I am of firm mind that complaining doesn’t really solve anything. The issues I end up with and end up around are always some consequence of the choices I have made. It’s all about choices and judgments and here we go.

I want to be more. I want to do more. I have so much I want to achieve.

I some ways I feel stifled; in many ways I feel drastically unsupported; in other ways I feel trapped and constantly sabotaged. The logic matches my feelings and facts are facts. I can’t get around them but sometimes I can ignore them enough to find some peace in the whole thing.

The only way I’m going to achieve anything is if I cut off my attention to all those things that don’t deserve any more of it and if I wisely and very carefully invest my time and attentions forward.

Getting time away to do anything is such a rarity; but getting time away to work alone is an impossibility.

Finding respite care is a joke. I don’t even have time to go to my support groups let alone appointments let alone frivolously work away from my childcare responsibilities.

As the children have grown, their developmental stages are much easier to manage and there is far less screaming involved. So much less screaming. It is very helpful for my nervous system to not have so much screaming. There’s been more sleeping involved too which has also been helpful.

But alas, I am still awake at 4:30am; this magical time whereupon I am meant to write up and reach out and express some Universal truth to the world that I am living.

As an expression of myself. As a big beacon to say “I’m still here! I still exist! Don’t forget me!”

Because just because I’m quiet doesn’t always mean that all is well. Patterns are difficult to break and a bad pattern on repeat is….. difficult…. At best. Hurtful….. at best.

I have tried to be sociable but this holiday season was just pure shite. It’s really hard to relate with other people who are embracing the season “traditionally” when I’m totally opting out because of the nonstop drama and bullshit and PTSD and legit trauma. But pushy buttholes always going to push. Always with the presents.

I found this Reddit subreddit that I read almost religiously looking for a story, any story, that is similar to my own. I say the advice in the comments is golden and it is; it is very empowering to know that there are others out there who are also caught up in the webs and tangles of the dysfunction. So much dysfunction.

I’ve spent so much time in my life trying to communicate with people to problem solve what to do or how to appropriately respond. I wish I had found this reddit subthread years ago; so I make sure to share it and the wisdom I have incurred; because it is so helpful. So helpful. When you recognize and realize you are dealing with a severe type of personality disorder and it isn’t healthy and it isn’t normal and there’s a reason it makes you feel all the ways it makes you feel.

The kicker is, like drug addiction, personality disorders don’t discriminate against skin color or economic status or background. And according to a brief comment as made by a therapist I am reticent to visit again; we tend to repeat familiar patterns even if we don’t recognize them. So there is a reason my spouse says the same shitty things that my awful mother has spewed at me. There is a reason for the constant passive-aggressive bullying from my ex. My MIL is a different breed of confused and pushy than my sister.

But the consensus is I’m surrounded very deeply by a lot of it. So it’s hard.

I’ve made some big moves in the last week. Jumped over some recent hurdles that have been placed before me and acknowledged the results of some extensive testing we’ve been waiting since October for the results of.

It’s all more information to digest. More roads to follow the research down. More changes to make to work on helping to improve my children’s health. There is so much to learn.

And in the meantime I keep making; I keep on keeping on making beautiful things.

Because a secret I have discovered is that no matter how much the world and the people around me devalue me and make me feel like trash; I am not trash; I am capable of many things and there is so much beauty within me to pour out. I might not have the inspirational vision every time to see exactly the unique creation at hand (but sometimes I might) so thank goodness for Pinterest for being such a visual inspiration.

Cause all I can do is keep on keeping on. Recognize the patterns for what they are. Trust no one. Only God is with me and has my back. Only God. This is the only sure fact I know at this point. God is always with me and is my only friend. The rest is all just human stuff and this human experience is worthwhile but hardly enjoyable.

I’m not entitled to my feelings and I’m punished for expressing them. I don’t think anywhere is safe to express the truth of what is or what has happened.

It just is. This is what is. I don’t know where to go from here and I’ve got a big board of balancing to continue. My children depend on me and the world I can provide and sustain for them.

This is just how it’s going to be.

In a life mastered, I pushed and created friction that would generate the light of an inferno of being who would show up to illuminate not only the present but also generations deep. 

I could have lived an entire life without knowing the true intrinsic working and ways of my being. 

I could have slowly evolved and never have had to  been stripped down to the primal essence of myself and all that is

I could have. 

But I didn't. 

and I'm glad.

Follow your intuition

The trick is to follow your intuition every time. Don't second guess it or doubt it or question why it is saying what it is saying. Everything happens for a reason but we don't necessarily need to understand.

There are so many pieces that are connecting right now and I am tortured that I didn't have this information at hand years and years ago.

I figured out why. I figured it out and it has to do with the gut biome.

Let me back up a second.

There have been a number of 'clues' that have been adding up to things bit by bit over the years and it has taken me to this point of my life to have much of the necessary information I need at.my.hands.

Now that I have the proper resources and that I live in this modern day and time, I am able to start to develop the information and find solutions that will overall make improvements FAMILY WIDE.

This is some big stuff. Hear me out.

I'm responsible for not only my own genetic line and children, but I have in my hands the sole children in two other family lines. These are three divergent lines living in one household. I am dealing with 4 different kinds of blood types; 6 different sets of genetics & brain wiring; and a multitude of undiscovered quirks and learning differences.

I have always sensed that I was 'different'. And indeed, we are all truly special and unique by the virtues of our creation. But I am different, or at least very likely, autistic. Aspergian likely.

We got an official diagnosis for my son for Aspergers which is on the higher end of the ASD. I'm not surprised.

The more I learn, TO HELP MY CHILD, the more I am learning to help the other children, the more I can help myself, the more I can help others.

The information is clicking.

This is what happens when I follow my instincts and do the yoga I was procrastinating on instead of cuddle back into bed with the baby.

My muscles will ALWAYS thank me for yoga.

But indeed, the answers came.

I have made so many mistakes and all I can do is work in the now to move forward and start to correct each piece, step by step, starting with today, all I can do is confront the changes that need to be made and move forward. I can weep for what I did not know, but it will not make the mistakes unmade and will not undo the mess of it all. Knowledge is power and the more I learn, the better I learn to do, the better it can be. I am the change I choose to manifest. The power alone is within me. 

I thought back and I know what I've always seen. The information clicks now so clearly. 

My first child, M1, is made of the same sensitive wiring as the people she is made of. I gave into the whims of modern world and put stress on her system that created her just-so. That put a lot of stress and I didn't properly support her diet or gut biome and in turn she was susceptible to yeast infections even as a baby once she started on solids. (I had no idea dietary triggers or sensitivities were a thing in my family). Once she weaned & lost the protection the breastmilk provided to her gut, the yeast got out of control. Autism individuals have a lot of excess energy and often overlapping ADHD symptomology that comes out in form of 'stims' and also a very high need for control; rigid state of thinking;  and inability to self-soothe at times of extreme emotional distress. There's also a heightened need for sensory input.

Although my child was receiving services from the reputable developmental resources; in 2007 they didn't identify sensory issues the same way that they do in 2018. Because in the developmental spectrum she was on track, no communication issues, and besides being high energy and 'spirited'; there wasn't any reason to suspect any issue. Her father had ADHD diagnosis so that is always something to be wary of but that isn't something that can be really diagnosed until the school aged years. Besides, she had regular pediatrician check ups and everything was normal and on track so not one red flag or issue was raised besides her petite size at the WIC clinic.

In hindsight the unregulated diet wasn't doing well for her behavior or her gut biome (hence the yeast infections) and there had definitely been stress on her immune system from daycare & regular rounds of vaccinations and also the use of antiobiotics here and there without any other supportive measures taken. The children's vitamins I offered her were still based on folic acid- as likely had been the prenatals I took with her but I also felt superior as they were DHA supplemented and she is a pretty bright kid.... I did not take them so much with my second and my diet was even worse and throughout that pregnancy I had tell-tale  extreme symptoms of auto-immune gut issue flare up (likely as a result of the pregnancy) and IT SET OFF ZERO RED FLAGS FOR MY CARE PROVIDER who said it was fine to basically live off of Pepto Bismal (my current self is still aghast that this is the care one regularly receives with westernized medical health systems).

I had no idea to be dairy or gluten free or any of it all.

So I lived in a modern way with those kids. Their dad had a lot of bad stomach issues as well. The drs never helped him. As a teen I had been diagnosed with depression and high stomach acid. It wasn't surprising given I came from a dysfunctional family home (with explosive mother & sister & laid back father WHO ALL ALSO HAVE TRAITS OF ASPERGERS SO THAT'S A THING)

but ASD individuals often suffer because of gut biome disruption because of genetic quirks and changes to the methylation genes (or other genes) which then are not supported by our environment & diet & lifestyle so they can become problematic in sensitive individuals. The sensitivities are genetic and also linked to how the brain is created & wired.

So my child, who was already born sensitive and then worn more susceptible by the modern world, started 'stims' and rigid insistence on 'self-soothing' in the ways that she choose. Combined with the hyperactivity and the sensory behaviors of stripping and the oral thumb sucking those were red flag that she had a sensitive system. If I had known better I would have known and seen it then. Like I'm learning to see it now. But it was all so obvious.

Hindsight always is.

I'm not surprised then at the issues I've encountered with her extreme anxiety during those early years and I wish I could go back in time and send myself so much more patience and grace and knowledge. I wish I knew then so I could have supported her properly in the ways that she needed.

I don't think she's not the best kid she could be; she's amazing and smart and talented. But I do see a lot more now that she is a decade older and a lot of the behaviors that I've been dealing with have been very challenging.

I have felt so blind in the darkness and stumbling around learning only through trial and error, it feels very disheartening.

I only ever gave my best effort to do and be the best and I know my focus of priority and unconditional love was clear.

I just wish I could have traveled through more gently.

But that is not how strong women are borne. I know.

But today is all I have to work with. So today I will do my best. I will do my best to move forward with the information I find. I will do my best to seek out new information to fill the gaps. I will not stop.

I will continue to apply and apply and apply this information because it is so good and if it works and makes a difference than all the better.

I could not have predicted that my bright burst of a boy child would illuminate such things to solve issues that stem back generations of people. That it would provide the missing pieces of WHY things were so hard and WHY people behaved the way that they did and it illuminates all the paths that have been taken that don't make the pitfalls of it all any better.

By virtue of his very being he is requiring us to level up to solve these problems so they don't have to plague us any further.

Now the pitfalls are clear and I'm stupid if I let myself fall into them.

The essential gist I get from the limited research I have conducted thus far is if I combat the gut biome issues (some research indicates digestive enzymes in tandem with probiotic & then fungal gut support) & support the individuals with a proper diet that is tailored to their genetic & personal body needs (taking out issue foods & focusing on battling inflamation & supporting healthy gut) & healthy mental program (emotional validation; FLIP It! ; addressing the issues with rigidity; positive problem redirection & solving; managing emotions & anxieties; true compass of internal values & morals; manners; respect; boundaries;) & also the learning component (lots of visual support as ASD individuals are highly highly visual; simple directions; patience with refocusing; clear ROS tactics;EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING SUPPORT; LIFESKILLS; EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE; COMMUNICATION; Zones of Regulation; Body Language; Empathy) & don't forget the sensory diet! (making sure to see the beahviors as SENSORY NEEDS instead of beign upset or punitive at disruptive 'stims' that take the form of movement, sounds, or frenetic energy)
then I should see a major improvement overall.

No big deal right? I got this. For myself, for the five other people I live with. We can do this. We can get this train on the tracks and head ourselves speeding away in the right direction. I have all of the information I need at hand, I just have to move forward with it, implement it, be the change I want to see in the world. I control the purchasing and I'm educating the children and I'm the impetus for the changes that are so necessary for us to be healthy.

Then I'm going to be on top of helping other people to do the same. Because this is what I do. This is what we do.

This is me following my intuition.

Labels

Yesterday was a big day in our world of things. A big day for observations and assessments and a big marker point in the world of follow through of something that has been months and months in the making.

The biggest takeaway, besides that my son's abilities ARE recognized, is that he's a complex case. An enigma if you will (that's what the midwives called him) and when we meet again in 3 weeks for the IEP meeting we will have a more solid idea of what they're thinking it is diagnosable as.

It isn't the end of the world if we don't agree with ultimately what they decide, yesterday was a short glimpse on their behalf and we have other professiomals that we have been intimately working with.

But this is what they do; they have all the assessments and background of higher level educational training which enables them to diagnose and assess and so on and so forth

and frankly, it wasn't anything that I didn't already suspect somewhere in my mind but I suppose it is good to have that further clarification

but my child is only himself, he is 100% unique with a brain that is highly intelligent and capable and complex and a little body that is incredibly strong and with more energy and sensitivities than many of his peers

and we've replaced the screams with words and now he has a voice but it is so quiet and I already see how the world is bulldozing right over him

And he rolls right on forward, affected sometimes but sometimes not. He doesn't pick up on social cues.

He is highly intelligent and highly capable and has a fantastic vocabulary, he shows emotions and feelings.... but he does not pick up on cues from others, he has some language quirks they think, he can hear so much of the world around him you have to talk louder and slow and in front of him or else he is liable to not be able to hear you because he hears everything else.

The idea is strongly that it is Autism Spectrum Disorder but more Aspergers than Autistic because he has a few traits that are highly suggestive but not enough that they would consider him severe.

He's definitely not like any other kid I've ever met or seen but he isn't hallmark for it either; but there are some red flags that once pointed out, I can't really disagree with, in my heart I know these traits extend further out than just him.

I know where these things come from. I see some traits in myself. I see some traits in my spouse.
The more I learn the more I am recognizing in my other children. The more I learn the more I am learning to accomodate. The more I learn the less secure I feel in how much I thought I knew before. Why didn't I know this before? Why didn't anyone lead the way with this information?

I know I am on the cusp of a great and mighty change.

A perspective shift of epic proportions which will forever shift and change colors of everything we view.Everything.

My mind is reeling because I can take this term, this information, not to say that I never suspected it previously, because information is out there and I'm always sifting through lots of things and keeping my eyes and ears open because information is what grants us the power to grow and change, but I suppose it is the confirmation, yet again, of my suspicions which in a way is terrifying but in the same very appeasing. I know what I see.

And I have extended upon these platforms for support, because we knew he would inherit *some* of our sensitivities; we didn't think he we get ALL of them and then some and since the day he was born we knew he was sensitive and we've done everything in our power to meet his needs and respect him as a person and meet him where he's at, which was a very high energy and active and uncomfortable place for him often and his only voice volume was extra screamy loud. But he grew and things changed and they got better and we did everything we absolutely could.

The heat of that didn't burn me up, haha only the things that needed to melt away, but high temps and pressure are what can transform you if you allow it, so I gave into that pressure and was granted patience and new perspectives and time moves forward and things inevitably change

I just keep working on my self skills and how I can be the best that I can be and I pray for this every single day. I know I'm not perfect, I don't know why I expected my children to be, and although some things have stayed constant, for the *new* life of routine that we are building, for stability,

a lot is changing. I, as the teacher and principal and director and mother and wife and brains of this whole operation, I continue to upgrade and allow the pressure and information to transform me.

I'll try new things, I'll try the follow through in approaches that work. I'll do what I can to model all the best-practices I find and discover. I'll keep tweaking my house and home and methods to accomodate my children, my family, myself.

A label is nothing but a label. It is not something to shy away from, it is not something to hide from, one label does not have to be synonymous with another, but that does not mean they need to exist side by side. One can be many things at once. A label can just connect information to other resources that are most applicable.

There is no clear label to define my son, so they will find the closest fit. His need for adaptive learning is clear. His shining self is too bright to sit still with the other children, this is clear. None of this is news to me as I know, but as we start to assimilate this child into the world he'll need support. A label also grants him access to services only available if you have the label. Services that can target his very very apparent sensory needs. Beneficial services that can help. It creates options. I'm all about options.

I didn't recognize these things in myself until my son was born. It had passed as an inkling of a thought when I first tried to conceive and we had talked about the possibility of it then without any real idea of what it can entail to raise a sensitive child. I asked my husband early on if he had ever received any diagnosis of his own quirks. I am very aware of how I operate and how I skirted by unawares. I am very fully aware of the dysfunction of my family of origin and also the function.

I'm a problem solver, I've spent the last 5 years learning so much about health and the body and emotional healing. My research never ends and every day I am on the forefront of the battlegrounds facing and helping and moving forward to make new gains.

A label is a label is a label. It's ok. I don't have to identify with it but that's not honest that's denial. There's nothing wrong with recognizing yourself and being honest about yourself.

Well, I hope so ha ha, my other endeavors include the beginning forays into marital counseling. hoorah hoorah
 I have a deep love and respect for my husband I am loyal to the promises I carved out. I am a woman of my word. That being said, it hasn't been easy at all. I have recognized a lot of areas of difficulty over the years and it mostly relates to everyone's extra-needs/extra-sensitivities and the difficulties of operating within one's self while having to operate in close proximity and on a routine and schedule with others. There are some unhealthy communication/reaction issues programmed into the relationship along with a smidgen of lack of self-care & inability to set/establish boundaries & a good ole dose of high-needs infant & milestones of stressful life events. All the ingredients of a joyous union

but for real, I can't bitch and complain about things if I'm not willing to follow through or make the efforts to make things better. If I don't know where to start, I can seek out help to help me figure that out. I can seek out assessments for my son, I can seek out counseling for my marriage


i will complain though because i was on an amazing writing flow and the baby was sleeping and it was perfectly in sync and then my stupid husband burst through the door with the active toddler and totally invaded my personal private space even after he saw i was engaged and there wasn't any reason other than he can't remember any of the rules to my boundaries and ic an't rise above my upset feelings every.single.time. this happens because it won't stop happening and i don't really like him more for this constant barrage and i get no respect for my necessary boundaries that i need as part of my self care or ability to work or be productive. i am more productive with 4 children at hand than with 1 grown ass man who i can waste endless hours arguing with over basic things like please respect my space and simple rules for boundaries

but he's got quirks and i've got quirks and it isn't getting any easier.

the struggle is real. if labels help find resources that are most applicable. i'm all in. if labels help to explain why it all seems so hard, i'll take it.

i feel like i signed up for this inherantly but then I didn't really realize what I was signing up for. there are parts of this adventure i would much rather not have to go through

but i love my children. mavis is my favorite. mk is my shining star. the big GIrls azmake me sO PROUD. BABY SAYS HI. Z THERE GOES MY QUIETWEQ3R4 I21