The touch, the feel, of stability?

I don't really know what to write lately. My mind has been a jumble of so many things. There is always a lot going on within my life. I have been getting ready to start school, and interning and sewing and have been home with the girls and on vacation trying to organize and get caught up. I have spent a tremendous amount of time working on the computer lately and it feels good.

I made a list today. I made a list yesterday too. I know it is one of the secrets to success and it will allow me to have a ridiculously high output of work so long as I can track it and I feel like right this moment instead of writing this blog I should be finding research articles or sifting through database findings or taking a shower or doing something worthwhile.

Marilyn started kindergarten last week and I am coming to realize that I now have a new style of life.

I have to wake up every single morning at 7:45 to get her up to school. Now mind you, this is a dramatic shift from the schedule we have kept. We stay up late and sleep in and are always bouncing around and at different places at different times.We are transient. I used to have a set bedtime routine when they were littler, but it's hard when everyday is pretty much something different. My children do travel around. They are always surrounded by people who love them and care for them and are active in their lives and it is a bouncing schedule. Lately it has been all me more often since I have been on vacation. It's nice, but I still am not quite at the point where I am caught up with everything and I have so much to do. And then some. And then some more. And now we have to stick to a routine. I suppose I will eventually shift into it. It's kind of weird. I kind of like waking up in the mornings though. But I looooooooooooove my sleep and my bed. I loooooooove my bed. I say that with so much emphasis truly because that is an actual representation of the degree of emotion I complete and totally feel about my mattress. I have only one day a week now, on this current schedule, in which I am ever going to be able to sleep in. I almost feel trapped. Or have I just been spoiled and on vacation for too long of a time, with my shifty schedule and myriad of time responsibilities ?

Is this what stability feels like?

I can honestly say that perhaps I am finally settling in a new middleground.Or coming close to somewhere I could call Middleground. It's not so bad I suppose, but I don't really have a choice now do I? So I suppose I need to let my roots loose and spread down and out and see what I grow into? I think I 'm getting more and more used to it. I've been doing it this way on my own for almost a year now and with crutches for 5 years before that. I know what I'm doing and I have been shown by many women within my life how to just get shit done,  but I'm still learning and I just have to make sure I spread out appropriately as to not ever drop any one of the balls that I'm constantly juggling. I do think though, that this is the time in my life to be doing so much and such things. I have a long road ahead of me in every single aspect and not that I am going to get there any sooner by stressing myself out but I work at a wondrous pace and that's what I consider to be my standard. Maximum performance. And I want to get there again and get in the groove of just getting shit done. It's an amazing feeling and I know how much I have been slacking.

Slacking being the term for recovering and dealing with traumatic life events. But time keeps moving on and I keep growing and changing and discovering. I haven't quite settled back into my natural environment yet. I'm like a chameleon who is skilled at changing colors but ultimately, I'm just some scaly brown. Like a tree. I'm a hyperactive chameleon.


 Speaking of trees, Autumn is coming soon. I love Autumn. I love sweater dresses and chillis and soups and delicious stews and bread. I do so many awesome things in Autumn. Pumpkin spice and apple candles.:)


I was reflecting upon previous postings and I wrote a lot about how change was so difficult and all it took was three weeks for my entire life to change forever. Reading my past reflections, I realized that I did change and continue to do so. I am still blossoming in a woman full of potential. And I sprouted from the weeds :)

Also, I have found I was well trained for my parenthood. My child is a persnickety waker-upper, she always has been, even since birth, such is naturally her disposition and temperament.So was my sister.

When I grew up it was mostly my dad that would be up in the mornings. Sometimes my mom was around, but she worked until later and wasn't a morning person. I was really good at just getting up and getting ready for school. My sister, however, definitely was not. At all.

What I am finding to be in my current home situation:

Marilyn does not want to wake up. I have to gently coax her out of sleeping. Talk to her about her dreams. Nicely persuade her to get up and get dressed. Every. Single. Step. Of. The. Way.

She's fine when she gets out the door but everything is an argument and an explanation. I feel like sometimes my youth was training for parenthood. It was. Except I'm a lot nicer than my mom (I hope) and I feel that I offer reasonable explanations for everything. My sister was utterly ridiculous. I maintain that she is probably one of the only people who can lose a pair of shoes right in front of her in the closet. My child also has a strong disposition towards the misplacement of her footwear. Expensive footwear.

So far every single day she has had school (including orientation) there has been some sort of running debate about what she is wearing clothing wise and shoe wise and about waking up. She hates it and she wants to wear her most outlandish things that don't match. I specifically buy her stylish clothing that matches which she then refuses. The only other alternatives I offer to her over-the-top choices involve one reasonable outfit (of my choosing), her selection from available clothing in the closet or sweatpants. She hates sweatpants. Also not a jeans girl (I am not anymore either truthfully- although I rock out in them when I do wear them!). I offer those too. Today I had to dramatically throw her dress down the laundry shoot because she insisted upon wearing it even though she wore it the other day and it is dirty and it was a huge point of contention amongst getting ready.

Anyhow, I had no idea that parenthood would entail this. Does it ever get to the point where they can get themselves ready for school? I was hoping Mallory wouldn't wake up either but she did and all of my hopes of crawling back into bed were quashed. We went to sleep ridiculously early last night too.

Anyhow, it's all weird. I'm adjusting, I think this phase ahead of me will be good. I'm kind of tired and worn out from a lot of nonsense that I've been presented with and I don't have time to waste anymore. I have my focus and I have goal that I want to accomplish and a strong resolve and motive for such things. I signed the girls up for dance classes as well that start next week. Ballet/Tap/Tumbling. They are going to love it!

But anyhow, I have enough things to do to keep me fully occupied. I have some major research projects and another class starting up and work and an internship and studying. I would say I keep myself fairly busy and this is my time to spring back into action. Michelle-style.

Watch how much I can do.