Letting it all drop out

I suppose I have been thinking of many different things to write as of late, but I haven't felt compelled enough to write too much of anything. But I have been thinking. It's been a very busy time for me again. Always with the neverending busyness, but now it is all legit. (It's always legit actually...)

I have been shifting again, more into the confines of stability. Choosing my computer and studies over many other things. Many other things.

I'm fine. I think that perhaps I will emerge out of this phase more like Velma than Daphne, and frankly there is nothing wrong about that. I have many homely hobbies that are keeping me plenty engaged. My studies have been calling and I've been doing a boatload of research. Last night, for giggles, I took a page count of all of the notes I have typed out, and I'm only at 40 pages. (Although it was a bit of a shock because the last time I checked I was only at 24...). I have a lot of work to do and to catch up on. And then I peek into my closet and I hate all of my clothes. I have to get hopping on my winter wardrobe.

I'm getting bangs. That is my morning decision. And I don't care if it makes me look like I'm in highschool, I'm not, and although it is always insulting, it's a little bit funny when I tell people I am a teacher. They think I'm the babysitter instead of the mother.  Nope. This body grew those babies. And look how they blossomed :)

Also, I'm giving up on love.

That's right. I'm done hoping for it, looking for it, feeling it (okay, maybe I'll still feel love but I'm not going to fall in love anytime soon, mark my words). I'm just done. I haven't found it and I'm kind of burnt out with men and all of their emotional issues, non-compatibility, terrible muddling communications, and you know, et cetera.

I've been thinking about this for a little bit now and I think that frankly it is the proper route to travel down. 

I'd make an awesome significant other but that isn't going to work unless I find someone I really really like, and every so often I find one (or two...) and it just doesn't pan out. I don't have the time or energy also to pour into someone that it isn't going to work out. I'm in a bit of a quandary.

I'm done wasting my time and energy and getting excited. Excitement sucks. That flurried jittery feeling you get in the core of your being, that settles in the pit of your stomach, yeah, that's overrated.

I will settle into this forever being single eventually. Maybe.

And it isn't that I'm thoroughly opposed to it, I will be open and willing if something falls into my lap (no pun intended) but that is precisely the thing, if it falls into my lap. Recently I became quite vocally loud and very persistent with someone at the suggestion of going back to the world of Internet dating even. Like I said, it isn't that I am vehemently opposed, I am just burnt out.

It's not quite appropriate to hand someone a resume on a first date that outlines the hours of conversation that will follow. I don't even want to go there, I don't want to explain my story or my situation or what I do or what I like. Either give me someone I know who already knows these things about me who is handsome and sexy and smart and absolutely wonderful, or send me a psychic. Preferably a rich blind one who has a fetish for workaholic women.

I am not feeling any lack. I feel very loved. Somewhat recently someone expressed to me that not only do I deserve to be unconditionally loved, no matter what, but that I am a good woman, and indeed I am loved.
So not to boast or brag, but I've been developing other important relationships that do not bring added emotional relationship drama with them.

But I'll say this much, I'm an emotional crybaby about everything lately. Planetarium, babies, children, movie posters, sad stories, expressions of gratitude, you name it, I'm tearing up over it as I type. Maybe it is good to be enfused with emotion, I've been operating on a serious deficit for awhile.



I'm not gonna to be a Tinwood Man no more.