Who cares

Sometimes I have to really hold myself back from saying the things that I want to say. About how people are terrible friends and I want to call them out and let them know how mad I am at them for being such a crummy friend. I don't even consider them friends anymore at all, because friends care. And they obviously don't. At all. Friends don't hurt their friends. I'm sick of it. It hurts a lot.
I don't like to think such terrible things and I don't want to be petty and dramatic and passive aggressive online. I just wish people weren't such ungrateful insensitive assholes who take advantage and then fail to follow through completely. I wish he hadn't gotten involved with my kids and then abandoned them completely when he disappeared out of their lives like a ducking genie. (Thanks autocorrect. Duck duck goose)

I don't feel good. And I don't want much to do with people anymore unless they have an expressed interest to help me feel better. That sounds really selfish.

My friend reminded me of how much I do and how accomplished I am and how I have to have patience and endurance during this stage of the game because I am doing to work and things will change, eventually, in their own sweet time. Law school will happen. My children are growing and thriving. And I keep on toughing on. He reminded me how I juggle more than pretty much everyone. I forget.

He pointed out that most people would bail on these circumstances and the responsibility.
Don't I know that is the truth. He said he would have, especially at the age I took this all on, at 19 years old.
This kind of life is scary and intimidating isn't it. That 's why I'm going to die a spinster. That's why everyone bails.

It's not just the life. Lots of people take on the life.
I'm a train wreck.
That's why mark hated me and inevitably things fell apart.
That's one of the reasons why M moved out- because I was driving him crazy just being myself. And you know, I wasn't pharmaceutically friendly.

I don't even want to say I want to crawl in a hole.
I just would prefer not to exist.

Half a bottle of wine and enough ice cream fit for a king helped me realize I do have good friends and they have great timing. And I appreciate everything.

I just don't appreciate me. And I'm not going to. And it doesn't matter. I'm not here for my party, and even if I was I'll cry if I want to.
I brought two little people into the world that it is my job and duty to raise properly and feed and not totally fuck up.

It doesn't matter anything about me or how I feel-
It's all for their benefit.
They are the reason I live.
Because my love for them trumps all.!