Slides and Rides

Hello again

4:30 AM (now 5AM).....

Why have you forced me out of my bed?

What should I know?

I need to stop letting these thoughts in my head. I need to stop doubting what my heart has told me is absolute truth.

Get my head out of the feeling business, I need to leave that to my heart

today is going to be weird

and long

Where is all of this extra energy coming from?

I want to go back to sleep and soak in the early hours of the morniing still- to slumber. Instead I run like I'm on these super charged batteries and I conk out when they get low after I freak out from crabbiness

I don't really like people anymore

I don't like Humans I think. Not myself as a human, although I think I like myself more than most people, but not necessarily, some people I think I likemore than myself

maybe this is all strange; but I haven't been feeling very well lately. Things are just well, things SHOULD be fine, they really should. Honestly, it has been a rough summer for me, things were going really good except I think I was on a very steep edge of burnout before, like not that many months ago, and things got really rought there and now they are better, there is a lot of promise and hope for my future, the NOW has been trying though. It's been weird without him here, how I revert back to my personal pattern of being. This will not last. This cannot last. Everything is going to shift again when he comes back; probably more than how it shifted when he left.

I can't complain. Work is work. I want him to work. I just maybe don't want him to have to work so long and so far away. But I can't complain. I shouldn't complain.

I don't necessarily believe him when he tells me about his never ending patience.

There's going to be a point where he just gets fed up with me. The woman I am who is all over the place and irrationally upset at so many stupid little things.

Before, I had feelings, and I know I was suppressed and not exactly emotionally healthy; but I was pretty tough. I didn't get upset over stupid things.

Now, with him gone, that I am over sensitive to things, I am sometimes a stupid wreck over what should be shrugged off as nothing.

I can't tell him about how I feel; he won't understand and he goes off about whatever silly thing at hand. When I say 'go off', I mean like, begin to calmly and quietly lecture me about how silly and irrational whatever it is that I got upset about.

He tells me how he will support everything and anything I would ever decide to do. I feel he would.

I'm terrified I'm going to ruin his life and he's going to hate me eventually because I'm crazy and I'm going to drive him crazy. I'm afraid of over burdening him with my responsibilities and me and all of everything that involves me. I know I'm difficult to be with in close capacity for some people. I know he loves me, and I don't want to abuse that love by overwhelming him with my depressive, spontaneous, extreme, dynamic, or erratic emotions and thoughts and being. 

I think this summer has just been really rough. Really rough. And I think I'm starting to maybe totally lose it. I do okay; I find myself in the middle of things; but then there are days like yesterday, where all of a sudden everything is swimming through my brain and I can't help but think about how I should break up with him and call off the wedding and walk away from the whole past year like nothing ever happened.

That's a terrible thought and nothing I really truly want to do; but my brain obsesses and wraps itself around this as a possibility. It opens the door not just to What If; but also to You Should.

I know it is wedding anxiety. Early early stage fright. Maybe I have to deal with it now so that the day of the wedding it isn't so bad?

Why am I so anxious? Besides that it's a huge public show to put on in front of everyone and it's all of my design and planning?

I have to kiss my boyfriend in front of everyone. People will take pictures. Give speeches. Talk about who we are as people and how great we are.

1. Are we really that great? (he is, I don't really think I'm doing anything impressive or stupendous)
2. How well will these people even know us? - My friends know me, and I have exclusive few close friends and many close but casual acquaintances. No one enough that has truly spent an extensive amount of time with us, save for a few of the closest friends. I wish people would offer, because they love you and it is the right thing to do, but I know my best friend and maid of honor will make a speech, and I'm excited for that.

I'm also losing interest in some of the wedding stuff. I've worked my ass off over the past few months assembling and planning and organizing and preparing a ton of stuff; and although I still have much to do, I am in no rush particularly anymore and I am able to neglect wedding planning and toss it to the side with abandon. Not true. But close enough.

Then I think; and I know what I'm doing is absolutely right. I love this man. He brings to me so much happiness all of the time that I am with him. He will take care and father my children. He wants to build a life and a future and loves me and trusts my visions and dreams and ability to manifest. He makes beautiful things. He wants to take care of me.

 Sometimes then I get worried about everything that comes next. What if we have a hard time conceiving a child? Buying a house is going to be super stressful; and moving and everything else that comes with all of that. It's a lot of work I have ahead of me, tangible work I know now is for sure coming.

Unless I call it all off you see. If I just utter those words to him, "I want to break up"

Those words are the magic key to keep me free from moving forward in a better way.

So is that why it keeps bubbling to mind, because that is literally the only way to continue living my life in the same way I've been living it which is not the happiest existence. Because inherently we all fear change? Even subconsciously? Are my emotions more in tune with what I am going through and preparing for than I am rationally and logically aligned? Do I need to find a balance with the emotional side?

Can't I just shut up, smile, and enjoy the ride?