March 6

This marriage stuff is bullshit

Why doesn't anyone fill you in ahead of time?

Was there any training or prep work for this?

For a partner who can't assert anything more than like the 75% effort that I receive, in regards to everything.

I won't detail things here. I can't. I won't. I love him. He knows this.

But my heart is breaking constantly.

I don't want to nag. I don't want to fight or cry or cajole or convince.

I don't want anything anymore.

This is all a bunch of bullshit.

I didn't sign up for this

to be a substitute parent to an overgrown big kid

to have to prepare insturctions and information and serve it to him fresh and ready
and then talk him into eating it

fuck that

i had kids already

I don't need a grown up man baby who can't follow through on anything, ANYTHING he sets out to do

especially if it is important to me. Then he really seems to fuck those ones up.

Right now is a bad  moment.
Today wasn't a bad day. It was actually really good.

But tonight is mine. This is my time.

What will I do?

nothing. cook myself a can of soup for dinner. maybe take a bath and watch a movie in the tub or something. lay alone in my yellow room

i had so much wonderfulness come through today, so many clearly laid out instructions and plans for things.
Things are flowing through lately in so many many ways

things are changing for others too.

I can feel my heart soar with love and excitement, empathy and real emotion for those people involved, those people which aren't me and who aren't involved with me

But I'm with this wonderful husband of mine, who can't pull it together to give me any effort to make any change.

how long am I going to have to wait or based on his efforts and actions, why bother waiting for anything if you're just going to be waiting forever?


and in other news, there's not much else. I'm tired. No one's picking up the slack or doing anything productive or worthwhile.

I have to cry and scream and break everyfuckingthing in the house
not really
i didn't break everything

but you know what, it doesn't even make a difference

I barely got a noticeable increase on effort made anyhow

why bother to care

this is what i was waiting for i guess
this wonderful life partner

who isn't there beside me
who can't figure out how to walk with me
or help me

i will always be alone