head full of fluff and complaints and realizations

I think next year I will go into a year of solitude, a year where I disappear from mostly everyone and mostly everything. Just really step away from all of my other obligations and things that are loosely tied to the me that I can be.

I get so upset and dejected when I am called out and I won't even bother my time typing out an excuse or reason why I am not keeping up with the daily like I obligated myself too. I can make all the excuses in the world for everything or I can just say, I thought about it, but I didn't feel like doing it.

Frankly, I say that a lot lately about a lot of things. I think about them. Sometimes I think about them. And then I consciously decide in that moment or during that span of a day not to do them or take care of them.

I wanted to complain earlier about the regression of behavior and the clinginess I've noticed in the majority of the human and animalia household lately.

Now I've suddenly noticed it within myself.

Isn't this a side effect of everything else?

I can't step it up to where I was before. I can't sustain that sort of march in my condition now.

Where do I need to be?

Obviously somewhere more than here

obviously doing something more

but in my heart I want to do less. I crave more time to silence and solace. More time for thoughtfulness and solitude.

I care no more for daily fixations and schedules and pushes towards doing something and being something that the world isn't having me to be at this time.

I hardly have enough time for me within it. But I do, because I am me and I am doing me and I am all that is the being of me.

I suppose I don't want to have to dedicate or share my time.

Are there lessons in fastidiousness and following through and in holding oneself true to commitment and designations of time?

Of course. Yes.

But I'm lazy. Not excuse. Just fact. I shirk on yoga. I shirk on kegels. I shirk on healthy diets. I'm lax.

So thanks for the reminders to pick up the slack.

I guess I have to step it up and go about it cheerfully rather than being sludge and holding a grudge

just do it peacefully

And plan for quiet and calm and begin to let go of everything that forces you to give more output than you are concerned to do so

excuses are too much of a time cost

and they are just blanketed statements for lies

justify it however you like, but it goes, and you know

Let your understanding show.