It has been awhile since I wrote, and not so much that I'm compelled today, at this moment, to say anything of great importance. I'm just irate.
I didn't really get very good sleep last night and it wasn't by my doing, so I'm overtired and kind of crabby and that always makes everything 1000x worse. I'm sure I made the husband feel like a super big jerk this morning too when he noticed how zombified and emotionally thin I was today.
It will be a fun day.
My usual morning routine of giving thanks and cheerfully waking up my children, reading the news and then checking the facebox just left me mean and critical
then the anxieties crept in.
How am I going to do this?
But as always, as it is, what will be will be and there is no sense in worrying about it, all I can do is pray for a positive and smooth transition into the outcome.
It will always be okay.
Change is the hardest part. No one ever likes change, the effort of rebuilding or reconstruction.
We know there is great growth available; lots of positive construction.
But we don't have to like it.
I've been redoing the girls' room recently because I'm determined that they have a nice room and nice furnture that matches at some point before they are out of their young-ish school-age phase of childhood. As I reiterated to my sister, as I made clear to my daughter, the way our house looks, the way we live, is in transition. It is not SUPPOSED to look like this forever. It shouldn't. It can't. I might have a lot of things but I do not need to reign as the Queen of Clutter.
The girls don't remember their fastidiously put together bedroom they used to have-- everything else has been in transition. It looks amazing and then isn't used--- or the space is very compact (and they have A LOT of things).
The trick to the stuff is just having somewhere to put it, and we really haven't had any good solutions for a good while. But recently I've been working really hard. They have a long wall full of shelves.
New bookshelves and bin, I switched around the desk and that comes with shelves, my sister was awesome this past weekend and at the end of her house-sitting duration she assembled the girls' nice new dresser.
And it looks amazing!
And I will say, there is something about adulthood which really forces you to learn how to analyze things. OMFG. This is what 27 is like, fixing all of the mistakes I've made up to this point. This is the year for transition and change into a better way. Everything has changed.
And how is my analysis of plastic vs. (new!) metal gliders and a hardboard backing on a dresser that if I had JUST previously spent $80 more; I could have already have accomplished; leading me to such conclusions?
I do not know just quite, but it isn't so bad to hear the reasonable voice inside of my head, somehow telling me that I will manage and things are okay and this is just the shift of my being and I'm on this level and everything will be okay.
This is the voice that comes out the most I believe when I sit down and let it flow from my fingers. She talks faster than she types but she (he? it? gender neutral soul of mine) is inspired when I give myself the room to write.
This isn't thought out, structured, or planned. This is the stream of the consciouness that is me.
I have read in some places that the soul evolves and goes through stages of developmental clarity and enlightenment and this is also connected to our physical body, as we essentially 'unlock' new modes of being within ourselves as we hit crucial timeframes or momentous occasions. I have read in developmental textbooks about the physical shifts that occur in roughly 7-8 year spans. Everyone is different, some go through them a little faster, some take a little more time, not everyone always makes it into the higher levels of being.
Kind of how you are able to meet people who are still very similar to how they were in highschool, for example, many years after the fact.
We do not all evolve into our enlightenment equally.
But maybe this marks a shift,and maybe this unease is just a peek at something lately I've been doing more fluidly. Maybe sometimes the changes just are slowly shifting but if you are stable and constant and moving forward and not so concerned with the things that you have let go, it can be a good thing. There is much on the horizon to reach and to get towards, and there is a lot of positive growth and development that is coming.
But change is still change is still change.
So while one of my children is thrilled at her new dresser with the beautiful new knobs and the nice sliding metal glider drawers, the other reflects that she liked the old one better, she also felt that way about the knobs, and also she doesn't like the new decorations on the door. The other had reflected to me about all of the sudden changes in her room- while her sister simply expressed her discontent with things that were new.
Do we go with the flow at first or do we choose to be a stick in the mud?
But I kind of like being a stick. Or at least thinking like a stick. I like to feel stuck. Isn't that comfortable for me is what comes most naturally?
There is a balance to be reached, between go freely with all change and sticking up for things that are the same.
What of me do I fight to keep?
Perhaps just my stuck in the mud mentality to the things I hold to be the most true.
Indeed.
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