Let us learn a lesson from Dr. Grey's Phoenix

It is possible to bury nuclear shit in your emotional backyard, per say, that is so toxic and destructive, when anything bearing resemblance begins, it spews toxic shit everywhere.

I can't process anymore details, I don't want to expose myself anymore than what I have had to admit to myself, and in apologetic ways to him...

But I have apparent limits, and when I hit those limits, I get mean, instinctual, and almost outright survivalist.

I tried to reach out for a story, a connection, any grip for any logical reasoning for what was happening, why things were slipping away and I didn't have control anymore, why it felt so out of body but I couldn't stop my body

I haven't had that feeling in a long time
and never so angry
Like a salt monster, risen from salt shoved in a deep wound, never able to heal properly, but sewn back in and made to appear great on the outside, until it gets the chance to escape, and run amuck, AND DESTROY

If Lot's Wife were a salt monster destroying the place which they fled, but I think in the larger perspective, it is allowing the ugly beast of jealousy and looking backwards that will destroy us, from the salt of unsavory

 I don't know, is this Wolverine? Is this how Jean Grey felt?

What connection to anything can I find to help to describe the terror and anger and upset that is still deep inside

Like a room of smoke, it dissipated so quickly afterwards, almost as if, poof, nothing happened, this great pain never existed, no one was witness (I wish)

days later it is almost easier to forget, until the resentful feelings pop up, with every picture posted, every grain of unenlightened materialistic un-genuine show. Everything that is anything I will never be allowed to have, no one will ever give, and this is the salt that was swallowed, this is where the buildup of it is..... The Salt Monster rises to collect all these new grains and bury them within again....

And what do I do, block it? I can't, I AM AN INVOLVED PERSON, take this with a grain of salt, take that with a grain of salt, EAT THE WHOLE GODDAMN BLOCK OF OUR SALT AND ACT LIKE A DEER, WOULD YOU? LICK IT LIKE YOU LIKE IT

It is my fear that there is not enough of me to last another great storm. Like this ship has seen some good ones, and there are cracks, and when pushed to my limits, those cracks will grow until one day, just enough, that slow leak in will become a buildup of salty water, and this ship will sink completely

I reached out on the internet, with a glimmer of an idea of what this is officially called, these symptoms of a bigger problem that is apparent in a pattern of happenings, there is an apparent trigger, there is no question of the hurt that is living within, where it came from, or what is is about, it is obvious it isn't healing, hasn't healed right, still isn't resolved- and I found a glimmer or two of understanding before my questioning was bashed on and shat on by all y'all assholes on the internet who will clamor to help anyone crying wolf about bullshit anxiety, but put a poke out to see if there's a bear in the room and everyone calls you an asshole for thinking that this cub could really be something bigger and dangerous and destructive. Asshole opinionated women online. And that's another thing-- WTF INTERNET, WHERE IS MY SUPPORT WHEN I REACH OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ATTACK IN MY TIME OF NEED? WHERE IS MY SHOULDER OF UNDERSTANDING WHEN I CAN'T DISCONNECT FROM ANGER DIRECTED TOWARDS THE ONE WHO HAS TAKEN OVER THESE DUTIES? It isn't quite a pile of emotional shit I would want to drop on anyone who doesn't know how hard it was for me at the time when it happened. I can't explain these things again, how much they hurt at the time, how much shit I was forced to swallow and continue forward.... I DON'T WANT TO REHASH IT. It's there, that we can't deny, but what will heal it? What will get that salt monster out? How do I get past this nonsense?

The issues with the people that were involved in the infractions haven't changed.... they are either there in the sidelines of our life, or have been shifted to the shadows....but still there.... I am quietly regarded and also quietly ignored, and the child borne from my loving union has also been set aside, contaminated apparently because he is mine, never celebrated and often NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED AS A PERSON.... I am treated like a temporary displeasure, that perhaps in time I will disappear again, but for now I am quietly tolerated.....and strangers don't even treat me like this, I have never been treated like this by people

Maybe this is the salt I swallowed that ripped apart my insides. Maybe this is part of the fuel of the fire that ravaged through everything and stripped me down to be lean as a barbed wire..... the more I contemplate, the more I think so...... but I still haven't come up with a solution, a resolution perhaps, to choose a life of happiness, and we do that, we are very active in our discussion of such and our approach, we manifest love and light..... fueled by love, perpetuated within the chaos of the life we maintain, there are so many intrinsic rewards on this journey of parenthood, as hard and exhausting as it often can be....

but what is the reward for harboring a Salt Monster? A She-Demon who is purely instinct and purely fire and pure savage hustlin' mama dragon? Is this the example I'm supposed to show these children of mine? Are they supposed to grow their own scales and learn all the tricks of fire-breathing? Do they have their own fires within they need to see, to learn from me how to channel their own? To love others, and let that fire burn with passion and love, to make this world a better place, to make people feel better, to teach people, to light them up with enlightement and information and to share that light and fire with others, so that they may go forward and do their work the same?

All we have is the time in which we are given, in this life. There is no definite, there is no expected amount, we are as privileged as our birth and life circumstances allowed

But there is no end of allowance for enlightenment, and if the fire within me is so powerful, so intrinsically great, then all I can do is my best to use it for goodness, to stock the fires within my children, so that they might grow and be loving enlightened leaders to others, and show the world how to love, how to be love, how to see love, how to breathe love, I have showed them as such, I have given them everything I have that the circumstances of this life will allow me. This is not a life for me, not for my comfort, but for whatever it is I am allowing and nurturing and protecting and guiding, there is something unique that I allow into this plane of existence

and I think that uniqueness is what sets me apart, that other people instinctively feel, but can't quite place. This is so ingrained in my being, it has always been. And maybe this is why I can't have the same as what other people get in this life. I will never have close friends, a close group, I will never feel as though I truly am accepted or belong into a "clique", because I am too different..... I do well on a display of diversity, maybe I shine out well on my own regard, but when compared to others in a spectrum of "regular", I will never fit in. I can make nice, look nice, encourage my children to mingle with the world outside..... but I am not the same, I never was, I never will be

I wonder if this is why I felt the need to be a mother from the age of five.... before I was even realized, maybe I knew the only way for me was to make and raise my own tribe, of people like me enough to understand

that we can walk on fire, we can fire breathe, there are just careful guidelines to follow when handling fire, it must be handled very delicately, elsewise, a burn lasts forever, scars are tough to heal.....

And without firebreathing dragons, we wouldn't have such beauty in the world
without fire, there would be no boiling pot, there would not be light of the sun to fuel the world, there would be no heat

DragonFire Opal

By virtue of birth, I am an Earth Dragon, I can be nothing more (for real, Chinese horoscopes yo) and I am unwise to ignore the many complex facets of my being.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today, I choose to use the fire within for love, for light for others

But sometimes, I think, sometimes, Trogdor is a better role model for how I feel, because sometimes you have to burn down everything that exists before you can build it up again with better things

Because fire is many things, it is cleansing, it is destructive, is it useful, it is essential for life

How I handle it is my business
...........but maybe I could use a new hobby, like I don't already do this enough....

because there is beauty everywhere
what is true is genuity, let the fire burn through all of everyone's fake ass unenlightened bullshit

It can really suck to be the enlightened Master in a room full of selfish unenlightened kids, and no one knows that you are who you are or you have wisdom of ages....because they don't want you to ruin the show

I guess I just got to keep loving on, I don't know how to empty out the salt, I don't know that I should, every piece was meticulously placed within, how can I wash it out, to become a saltwater ocean, another essential element of the world?


 Be. Breathe. Choose Love