here comes that place again

Why should I hold onto the careless shreds that are tattered remains of a sprout of something that might have been good?

Why can't I face memories made with hope and happiness and instead do they fill me with sadness and rage?

Why do my efforts feel wasted constantly.

Maybe he should leave this time. I think we get to a better place, I think a resolve has been made, but then it is being screamed at me in my face on a Monday morning when I am staring down the barrel yet again of a continuous non-stop busy week propelled by me with no room for rest or down time or freedom? The only free time I take is for work obligations or household management or to take care of my health, which hasn't been a quick fix-- if I had ability for rest and relaxation and silence and no stress perhaps I would be better sooner but this has been going on for months and it is what made me less than well to begin with.

He wants to yell at me- when he has the freedom to go to what he pleases and see the people he chooses and he doesn't have the obligation to rush back except for whatever guilt he feels for being gone which isn't unfounded because it is very difficult to manage our tornado of a child and when we have been running in a schedule in which I have done a majority of the sacrificing and I do more than my share of a lot of things and that has taken a toll and the essential idea for me to get better is for things to become more balanced but that can seemingly never be because no matter what the struggle is always real and no matter what or how much it is talked about or communicated and no matter how much or what  i feel, nothing ever changes, nothing has changed, nothing will changed. he doesn't care enough to remember and i don't feel respected and my feelings are such a major but minor thing. i have to propel myself forward on something and i feel like a ship without wind in my sails suddenly.

if i get out there enough to get a job to be working then i will be strong enough to do it without and i will and i won't settle for less and right now though i have sacrificed everything and am sinking not even settling but i guess i have to swim harder upward to find the current and i have to be stronger now if i am going to lead by example and i have to be better to not give into my flaws and imperfections of being and i just have to i can't stop i have to take care of myself and i love my children and i love him but i can't force him to be happy or to be anything but i have to take care of myself and no one is really ever going to take care of me
i can't trust him to do it and i can't trust anyone to do it and no one is going to step in because that's not what happens

im not going to lower my expectations or settle for less and if it takes 100% of my effort to get things to where they have to be and how they have to be, then I will do it and that's that. I will lead by example as i always have and without a role model to shine light to and without friends to help me or lend a hand. with whatever support and motivation i can muster forward from the universe it is up to me and i can only trust in me and god alone and i can lead and infuse these children with the best i can offer them and if that light is bright enough it will sustain on it's own. some fruit harbor and coddle a seed deep within, others send theirs willfully away in the wind, i must have confidence that my work and my love and the time and effort i put into my children will outlast me and that it is strong enough it will burn bright forever
i don't invest this back into myself
and i feel like my efforts into my relationship are a wasted returned effort
if i had it to give i would use it for myself rather than give it to him
but that's not even true and i know it
but my heart hurts

i can't even tell anyone how bad the fighting was and this is why i got so sick before, from all the stress and the constant fighting, from when he said he wanted to leave me and get a divorce

but like really, what am i so afraid of? that this confirms my unlovability? that it confirms that this is hard?

there are so many pitfalls and challenges we face, it is not merely enough to be aware, if you are not properly supported than that is a danger enough

and as i told him, he is a good man, just no one ever showed him how to be a good partner or a husband
and i don't feel respected
it's not really one big thing ever is it
just a bunch of little things that add up

and i don't know, i don't know what more to write or say or think, every day is such a blur of being for me, i can barely talk or be still or have a quiet moment to think really

the tides have turned
i don't know where my destination will be
i'm just floating
feeling stranded
abandoned alone
deep at sea