Joyfully Floating

Too many dreams lately, too many new things coming in I can't quite slow down or shut off.
Change is upon us again.
Doors I tried to close that stick open on the way shut
This path is not exhausted yet
Is the message loud and clear

Oftentimes
When I lack focus of being
I can almost feel how we are free floating in space
Just particles of electricity and animated being

Surely I am not perfect
Did I ever claim to be?
Am I trying hard enough to be best?
To whose standards do I keep?
So much even within me, my own heritage I've let go to the wind, does it even matter from where the people who came before me came from? If it didn't matter to them enough to retain the information to pass it down. One part pollack the other parts from alcoholic bookies and educated engineers and people who come from Euclid, OH.
This isn't revealing in any major way and shatters hope
For any major heritage to be claimed.

Spring brings me so much energy of being- so much will and want to do and get things done- it has been a time of great reflection of all matters of the heart- and who I am
Willing and wanting to keep within and those who have worn their welcome thin

I cherish my sleep- this middle of the night time seems
So wasteful especially when the toddler boy is FINALLY asleep and these precious hours are the final few before daybreak

Yesterday I have support to an old friend's father as he was laid to his final rest. It was a day- they couldn't keep me away- they were happy for my presence

A loss is a loss is a loss

There is no opportunity to share your own close calls- the heart attack my father suffered - the close encounters of this and that- I do not revel in revealing the drama of my saga

So many earnest efforts we have been making to reach out to those we love and we say come and join us hang out with us in our contained space with active toddler
Boy

And people come- and our company is enjoyed- and no one critiques our many projects in-works and no one says anything about the clutter - the layers of our life that so quickly build up on every available surface they touch because WE ARE BLESSED WITH MATERIAL ABUNDANCE don't cha know it
And a little house with a lot of stuff with every room being utilized to its fullest will always be a force in action
It will always need work and time and attention and energy
And I'm not a slave to these things
I coexist within peacefully
And dream of a minimalist bedroom I can achieve someday once again

My sock basket puts all others to shame

I'm on a Facebook detox lately
Has been interesting
Is well needed
Husband takes the liberty to finally post anything about our life and of
Course didn't mention it to me and that was a fight witnessed this afternoon. Wtf food this is my private life.
I hate passive aggressive or just passive omission communicators
Didn't inform me about the new camera either
Was a fight
My hobby is going to work-
Work where I help others to relax and heal
My other hobby is going to volunteer
Volunteer where I help others to relax and heal
My other hobby is motherhood
Motherhood where I manage and help others to relax and heal and guide them appropriately
My other other hobby is my other work
Where i make church happen in the nursery because I have no access
To the service and I'm spiritually starving so I read the Bible and we discuss and compare/contrast and really evaluate how we can be our best
Hobbies

My hobby is remodeling my house so we can resell
Someday for more than what we paid and I can have country or woods and more
Silence than the constant city buzz and these planes
Which I like a lot some days

Appearance is fleeting. I was complimented today- a surprise because I am simple  in what I have to wear- I am practical - they said I was long and lithe and the dress I wore was just made for my frame. I was humbled
I was surprised
The .05 smudge of eyemakeup I had managed to find and put on had smeared from my tears at the funeral- unknowingly to me until I arrived and was kindly informed
I wanted to say how I found the dress at the thrift store- I hadn't even bothered to try it on- I don't have time for such pursuits
I wanted to say how it cost me $5
I wanted to say how I had to pin the bosom because it was too gapey
I said thank you
Mentioned slight in passing that I had gained over 100 lbs with pregnancy

But as always, I look too young to have this many children, I'm so young to be a wife

I had a super religious Greek Orthodox lady tell me yesterday with a firm poke and statement that she thought I WAS RAISED RIGHT

This past Easter I made a strong break away from the toxicity of my extended family
Drama came to a head when I didn't even realize that it was there
Shitty communication all around unless you are in the in-crowd
and being the daughter of the black sheep of the family doesn't do me any favors
especially since I don't wear the insignia for the
Black Sheep Gang and I have moved on to better ways of being

There is no more time in my life to suffer the unsufferable. I am a biological daughter of this extended family and me and mine aren't as welcomed. I don't need to wade around waiting.
Malaria lives in the swamps, so do many unseen things beneath all that water
I'll be above ground.

But it is very disappointing when others are not on board- when no one else wants to follow the lead- because they are caught up in the old cycles- they are caught up in the old relationships- they are caught up in the expectations from all these ridiculous ways of being.

Not me. I refuse to be.

Yesterday my husband had to do "my job" for four hours so I could support my friend's family in their loss. He asked me earnestly how many times a day I fantasize about bashing my head against the wall (yes, this is the true challenge of being a stay at home parent). I laughed, he's amateur, I have so evolved past that point so long ago. He has no idea.
His summer break is almost upon us. This is a time of year I most look forward to- we have the opportunity for to spend lots of time together.
There is no reason I feel anxiety or fear toward him- but I do realize I will have to integrate him into our schedule- and I do realize I am going to have to set the tempo- and I do realize he has NO IDEA WHAT HE IS DOING IN ANY OF THIS- and I do realize his weaknesses of communication- BUT I MAKE NO ROOM FOR EXCUSES AND A MISTAKE MADE MORE THAN ONCE IS A DECISION

So I will be praying for patience but also for productivity in that I am able to catch up on my world of things that has been sorely neglected.

Relationships after kids are funny. There is no such thing as balance. I don't think so. It is inevitable that one person (mostly mom) will have to pickup the slack. Both parents can be invested in their child, but there's an awful lot of grunt work and repetitive nonsense work that is required for that child to grow  successfully.

The only trick I have discovered for this ease is just to succumb. To lose major expectation of outside obligations unless it is cemented in clearly on the calendar and there's no room not even an inch for budging. It is amazing how much more peaceful our household became when I stopped pushing for my necessary work time every day. AMAZING.

Equal is such an unattainable reality that it should have that clarification within its definition.

And in the meantime, everyday I keep on, one foot after the other, two steps forward, one step back, always slowly moving, like an elephant carrying the world on it's back.

I wish the sun would rise already so the rest of the world can get to waking up and my pace can shift into a different state of being.

Or maybe I should take this opportunity and just crawl in an early morning bath.

Is this the result when I skip my most essential evening routine? That I'm doomed to an early wakeup and a night full of vivid dreams?

I don't know what any of it means. I'm just within it. Joyfully floating.

We all float down here kid.