Struggling

I have to write this out somewhere, I'm really struggling and I don't want it to continue to leach into the good things in the day ahead

I'm all congested and it is hard to breathe and it is causing me to be all gaggy and I have to deal with this all day and have been dealing with it all week. Is okay, is how it goes

I wish I had a mom who was willing to help ME. Instead she devotes her time to everyone else and always always always playing the devil's advocate and helping out those who continue to make poor decisions and never get out of their rut.

Without the entirity of back story, because if you have been privy to my online facebooking over the last month you will have some idea, I made it clear to her that I was no longer interested in having a relationship with a toxic enabler who doesn't support me. She does not defend me or stick up for me behind my back and she is in denial about my sister's severe mental illness.

I am in process (this week!) of removing myself as the legal guardian of my middle "sister". I use quotes because I'm no longer associating her with anyone that I might be related to.

If I was dying and needed an organ transplant, I would not reach out to her even though she's got the same blood type.

I'm disgusted by her manipulative lies and behavior.

I'm sick that they won't leave me alone. That both my "sister" and my "mother" feel like I will just simmer down after some point and then I will be open and loving to them again.

NOPE. NOT HOW IT WORKS WHEN YOU ACTIVELY BURN A BRIDGE

It hit home for my mom this past week, because despite my constant asking her for NO STRESS and to stop emailing me, she continues, and she has chosen to fight with me instead of back down and say, sorry michelle, I am being an asshole, yes, your sister is totally wrong and you have a lot of work on your hands to take care of the situation on your end

and subsequently I am no longer involving her, my "father", or any other toxic relation in my life or the lives of my children. I will maintain the bonds I have with those who make point to understand, but I will not settle for a halfway point of letting people fraternize with my children when they will not communicate or confront me in an acceptable or healthy way.

My kids don't need that kind of bullshit influence or modeling of behavior.

and when enough is enough is enough

but I'm so sick of the fucking excuses they make. I just want them to leave me alone and stop messaging me and emailing me and getting all lovey like I'm just going to forget the shit and move on.

I am moving on, to a place where there's no room for them on the plate

It will be a much better place

but I'm stupid, and I leave room.

My  mom was upset when she learned how well my daughter did with her chickens at the fair
O POOR HER TO HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT FROM EVERYONE ELSE

even though we've been talking about the damn thing since March
even though there's a shit ton of advertisements everywhere

and then the excuses start pouring in

Oh, she didn't have the schedule. Oh, they can't afford the tickets to the fair

she just fucking emailed me this morning and said she doesn't have my address

like what the fuck

NO. NOT DEALING WITH THIS BULLSHIT.

Please, don't send anything then. Don't bother us. Don't bother my kids.

Go, be a helper to everyone else. But don't be the anchor to my healthy decision making.

I'm just so insulted and sitting here crying.

I've been up since 5am this morning, right now just able to catch some alone time on the computer while MK miraculously sleeps on the couch. One of those damned sound puzzles keeps going off. I'm going to sell them all I swear.

How am I supposed to be deluded into thinking that the woman who is my biological parent really cares enough? Why am I supposed to constantly make excuses for all the little let downs.

Oh she's mentally ill. Oh she doesn't have all the cards in her deck anymore. Oh she's suffered brain and nerve damage. Oh she really shifted after her last psychotic breakdown. Oh it's because she's bipolar or has Asperberger's OR WHATEVER

I'm tired of the excuses

My idiot sister has a bag of them too. This pregnancy was an accident because she was on antibiotics she says

she's the worst liar and this is what hate feels like, like wanting to jump through a computer screen and bash someone's face in until they are dead

I hate feeling like this

I hate that this turmoil of shit has me back in counseling going over details I would rather forget

I hate that my entire family has chosen to support the misadventures of captain shithead and has thrown shade at me

and I'm going to court to cut it all off like the infected limb that it is this week

no support from anyone else
no one stepping up to say, here! let me handle the paperwork! let me manage her life from the outside!

no one stepping up and saying- I'll take her baby that the state will take away from her!
and no one saying, Wow Michelle, it would really suck to get custody of your sister's kid, this is a shitty situation

no one saying, yes, Nicole is severely mentally ill, has been her whole life, thank you for the hard work you've put in over the last four years to keep her stable, she's really evened out because of your influence

nope.

My dr. says I have to let it go, that I cannot carry it all with me. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.

I don't know how to. This is a big week. I have to finish getting the rest of the paperwork in order so I can hand it over to the next Guardian.

NO ONE HAS EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED WHAT A FEAT IT IS FOR A YOUNG WOMAN IN HER EARLY TWENTIES TO TAKE ON THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER DESTRUCTIVE BIPOLAR YOUNGER SISTER

I just feel awful and the world will never recognize. My family will never recognize.

and now they lose out, and I lose out

because even a small remaining relationship is enough for her havoc to wreck my peace
and if they support her, they don't support me

my mother thinks my sister just needs to try her wings

FUCK THAT.

I don't want to dig up shit from the past but anytime my sister has 6 months and freedom of self, she ends up homeless, on the streets, with drug dealers, and prostituting herself out.

EVERY. TIME.

There are many reasons why her disability was put into place so quickly. BECAUSE SHE REALLY QUALIFIED. And also she won't get in treatment or stay in counseling or do the hard work to make life better.

I can't rail on it anymore, I would love to erase it all from memory. All of them from all the memories

so I have all the room to make more

but MK is awake and finidng me now, and the rest of the house is almost awake and today is a busy day and church is soon

too much