I feel robbed

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

breathe Michelle

Stop with the jittery overcaffeinated you know you drank too much coffee but yeah, didn't you love it

I'm pissed off. This is the anger that keeps on burning me through the bullshit of the ungrateful awfulness that is everything who she is.

This is the feeling that I will remember when it ever comes up again.

This is the feeling of why I will say NO.
This is the feeling of why I am standing at the top of my mountain screaming
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
and I am using every power in me that be to continue to cut off those toxic branches and ties to those who are just dragging me down

The lesson I am learning is to be vigilant in your boundaries and in your abilities to surround yourself with loving and supportive people.

It is our choice to let the toxicity seep in once we have the ability to recognize.

It is our choice to set those boundaries.

I am inspired. I hear and see others who have been successful in it.
Will I someday achieve a counting of years of how long it has been since I see or have spoken?

Fortunately so.

There is a great sadness to the possibility that this willful boundary setting and stubbornness to let it go will rob me of my father's life and well being. I really love my dad.

But do I love him more when he screams and me and refuses to support my part in this huge struggle that is created and perpetuated by my awful sister who he definitely enables? What is he doing to enable or support my position and role in this? It was so convenient for everyone else when I stepped up to do it, and I felt very pulled and obligated and willing to help.I did so, time and time and time again to shovel her out of the very deep pile of life shit SHE chose to get herself into even provided more ample support and resources than my struggles of the same times; this is valuable time that could have been spent focusing on me and mine. And from here on out, it is. But I feel robbed. I feel four years robbed. I feel taken advantage of. I feel betrayed in my abilities to guide and lead and provide information for a betterment of being.

I wanted to support her endeavors provided she follow the chain of doing the responsible thing. She's manipulative enough that she's fanagled the whole system to suit her at this time. She's suddenly capable because she wants to have a shot at raising her own child.

I'm not going to sit aside and watch her shit show while it inevitably fails.... or is the drug dealer's ghetto fab life. I'm not going to watch her manipulate the world so that she can have whatever she wants without any accountability.

I feel burned. I feel a lot of scorn at her. Burning firey hatred. I don't even want to see her stupid face ever again. I don't want to feel like this either. This is what she has chosen to do. This is what she has done.

No one else in her dysfunctional life has set boundaries and done is done. She's been fucking around for the past four years but suddenly she's able to do it all on her own.
Fine. Go for it.

But don't dare ask me for help.

Her number's blocked. I'm not talking to my mother ever again. My father can help her figure it out. Let them all help her in her journey into motherhood and through parenting.

I'm strong enough I don't need that kind of support. My mother was a mental case shit role model and of no help. My father is authoritarian with low emotional intelligence and all of his knowledge is 30 years outdated. My sister can have them.

I struggle. I am sad. But I wasn't feeling loved or appreciated and definitely not supported. It has been a go of the last 6 months and things have been getting tenser since last year even. Tense because this is what happens when I reach a point of floating above the rest of them. What ties may hold me back from going even higher into enlightenment have been cut. The more time passes the more I will soar above and unless they rise to a higher level, soon I will be off into the clouds into a better place for my being and weighed down only with the responsibilities for me and mine. The ones I chose to make and the one I chose to love.

We are surrounded by supporters. Mostly of the non-biologically related kind. And these people are far more compassionate, kind, intelligent, caring, and understanding than what I know and where I came from. It is a choice how we chose to live, and I am not a worm like the rest of them.

In this life I can only be a role model to mine. My sister has always been a poorly edited copycat to me in the worst way. She is similar enough but also completely different. We may be biologically the same recipe but wired in very different ways. If we were off a tree, I would be the sturdy branch which has grown strong and straight, while she is an opposite branch who has grown frail and bending. We are both from the same resilient materials, but I work harder to be the "good" way and she is lazy and manipulative to be "bad" and the world meets her.

I don't envy her life or her ability to be lazy and float through it without any productive effort.

It is the opposite of everything I have ever done, believed, or worked hard to achieve.

I am happy to be in my life. I am happy and joyous and grateful to be me.

I just want these feelings to go away. I am resentful that this is constantly put in my path, my whole life has always been something or another of dealing with her drama constantly.

This year I have learned that enough is enough. The only person who has the ability to carve out what is the best for me is me and the godly universe that I pray to constantly for guidance to be the best that I can be. I want to role model to my children the healthiest way of being for their programming and I want to guide them to work through the tangles and knots in our programming of being. I am constantly working on these things. I cannot help but have disdain for those who refuse to learn and refuse to grow and refuse to change but manipulate the world and why does the world meet her manipulations so easily? Yes, I have the same abilities, but is harder but more satisfying to do things the right way. To be honest. To have integrity. I am not afraid of that challenge to do so and I do so honorably, as a role model to influence my children in the most loving way.

Perhaps my ways have been inspirational to her. But it doesn't matter. I am not going to sit around and "take the credit" and I never was going to anyway, but it is all very manipulative and thankless and dysfunctional on her behalf and has pushed every boundary ever set with her in the book. I'm not going to watch her shit show go down and I'm not interested in watching her interpretations of life play out and I doubt that it will be in the best way it could be.

My parents have not been supportive to me at all during this entire fiasco. No family member has reached out to comment that it is a rough time. They would all prefer to believe that now I have taken on the role of the "crazy" one and that she doesn't have any history of severe mental illness. I have always and readily been willing to seek counseling and support to work through challenges and life's difficulties; she won't even acknowledge the recorded dysfunction of her toxic relationship or go to mandated counseling. You can't force people to change.But again, as much and as willing as I have always been, she will always do the opposite. So for how willing I am to sail into enlightenment and improve my ways of being-- she will cling to the downward cycles of dysfunction that are tried and true ever so stubbornly.

I pray for this agitation to lift and that I might go forward without this chip of burden of anger in my heart or on my shoulder. I want nothing more of her in my sphere ever again and release all memory of her as a person and want to erase her completely from the slate of my memory. Let my childhood and life be that much better without the constant background of her misbehavior and tantruming and neverending stream of dramatic shows and steals of negative attentions.That is and never was my way and I was not made to be HER communicator to the world for life but rather a teacher and a guide and a facilitator and is my job but is also my job to healthily lead and let go of those who are ungrateful and serve me only ill. She has never ever once ever helped me in any way shape or form. She instead has been my lifelong training and also the reason why my help is so knowledgeable and effective, because I'm capable.  Because God loves me so much this is the amount of capability and ability for responsibility that I was granted through circumstance of being and determination and intelligence as poured into and facilitated within my being. I'm very blessed. I release her from all modes of my thought so that she may never be in my realm again.

Let it be. Let it be. Let it be.