4:30 Jam

It’s 4:30 and that’s my jam.

M4 was shifting and stirring and mumbling and then peed a ton and by the time I had woken and reawaken and then adjusted it turns out I wasn’t so tired as I was; so I am taking this precious work opportunity in this moment to seize this time for myself. The space heater is on; the laptop is charged; I am nearby enough if she frightens or stirs I can reach her with ease. This is how I will manage to get anything done.

I could throw a pity party of many dimensions; but I am of firm mind that complaining doesn’t really solve anything. The issues I end up with and end up around are always some consequence of the choices I have made. It’s all about choices and judgments and here we go.

I want to be more. I want to do more. I have so much I want to achieve.

I some ways I feel stifled; in many ways I feel drastically unsupported; in other ways I feel trapped and constantly sabotaged. The logic matches my feelings and facts are facts. I can’t get around them but sometimes I can ignore them enough to find some peace in the whole thing.

The only way I’m going to achieve anything is if I cut off my attention to all those things that don’t deserve any more of it and if I wisely and very carefully invest my time and attentions forward.

Getting time away to do anything is such a rarity; but getting time away to work alone is an impossibility.

Finding respite care is a joke. I don’t even have time to go to my support groups let alone appointments let alone frivolously work away from my childcare responsibilities.

As the children have grown, their developmental stages are much easier to manage and there is far less screaming involved. So much less screaming. It is very helpful for my nervous system to not have so much screaming. There’s been more sleeping involved too which has also been helpful.

But alas, I am still awake at 4:30am; this magical time whereupon I am meant to write up and reach out and express some Universal truth to the world that I am living.

As an expression of myself. As a big beacon to say “I’m still here! I still exist! Don’t forget me!”

Because just because I’m quiet doesn’t always mean that all is well. Patterns are difficult to break and a bad pattern on repeat is….. difficult…. At best. Hurtful….. at best.

I have tried to be sociable but this holiday season was just pure shite. It’s really hard to relate with other people who are embracing the season “traditionally” when I’m totally opting out because of the nonstop drama and bullshit and PTSD and legit trauma. But pushy buttholes always going to push. Always with the presents.

I found this Reddit subreddit that I read almost religiously looking for a story, any story, that is similar to my own. I say the advice in the comments is golden and it is; it is very empowering to know that there are others out there who are also caught up in the webs and tangles of the dysfunction. So much dysfunction.

I’ve spent so much time in my life trying to communicate with people to problem solve what to do or how to appropriately respond. I wish I had found this reddit subthread years ago; so I make sure to share it and the wisdom I have incurred; because it is so helpful. So helpful. When you recognize and realize you are dealing with a severe type of personality disorder and it isn’t healthy and it isn’t normal and there’s a reason it makes you feel all the ways it makes you feel.

The kicker is, like drug addiction, personality disorders don’t discriminate against skin color or economic status or background. And according to a brief comment as made by a therapist I am reticent to visit again; we tend to repeat familiar patterns even if we don’t recognize them. So there is a reason my spouse says the same shitty things that my awful mother has spewed at me. There is a reason for the constant passive-aggressive bullying from my ex. My MIL is a different breed of confused and pushy than my sister.

But the consensus is I’m surrounded very deeply by a lot of it. So it’s hard.

I’ve made some big moves in the last week. Jumped over some recent hurdles that have been placed before me and acknowledged the results of some extensive testing we’ve been waiting since October for the results of.

It’s all more information to digest. More roads to follow the research down. More changes to make to work on helping to improve my children’s health. There is so much to learn.

And in the meantime I keep making; I keep on keeping on making beautiful things.

Because a secret I have discovered is that no matter how much the world and the people around me devalue me and make me feel like trash; I am not trash; I am capable of many things and there is so much beauty within me to pour out. I might not have the inspirational vision every time to see exactly the unique creation at hand (but sometimes I might) so thank goodness for Pinterest for being such a visual inspiration.

Cause all I can do is keep on keeping on. Recognize the patterns for what they are. Trust no one. Only God is with me and has my back. Only God. This is the only sure fact I know at this point. God is always with me and is my only friend. The rest is all just human stuff and this human experience is worthwhile but hardly enjoyable.

I’m not entitled to my feelings and I’m punished for expressing them. I don’t think anywhere is safe to express the truth of what is or what has happened.

It just is. This is what is. I don’t know where to go from here and I’ve got a big board of balancing to continue. My children depend on me and the world I can provide and sustain for them.

This is just how it’s going to be.