Unraveled

Yesterday I think was the nicest phone conversation I have had with the girls yet. Marilyn didn't ask too much to come home and she just chattered on about all sorts of things. I even got to talk to Mallory for a little bit too. At one point Mallory was doing something to Marilyn and I got to sit and listen to them giggle while they were playing around. That really made me feel better.

It's hard holding all of this together. I'm an optimist by nature and I always try to view the glass as half-full, but regardless of how I feel, there will also be long-term effects of this on my family.


I don't even want to contemplate what could happen to Mark if he gets charged or convicted. I told him a long time ago that he ever ever ever did anything to the girls that I would personally take care of him. I don't want to sound incriminating, because I believe my stance is firm, but I did consider if these allegations could be true. I have a hard time believing them, because of the source of them and because nothing was ever indicated to me, the mother, directly from my child. But worst case, if they were, I'll skin him alive and wear him as a coat. Seriously. His good fathering skills are one of his redeeming qualities and regardless of what he and I go through as a couple, he treats those girls wonderfully. Most of the other dads I know of are emotionally absent to their children are just straight-out dead beat dads.

The donations from everyone have really made a significant difference. This all kills me, because we are spending all of this money and we will never get it back after this whole situation has been closed. Money does not grow on trees, and I don't care how much I have to spend, or what I have to do to get my girls back home. This could have been a down payment for a house though, with a fenced in backyard and a walk-out porch. We'll be scraping by for a long time paying all of the fees from this. I'm the only one who's even working right now, and I work 3 jobs for the money to come in.

I drank last night. Not even that much, but it was not a good idea. Everything just unraveled. I've been doing so good and keeping it all together, but I'm in a whirlwind. I'm becoming salty very quickly. I'm sick and tired of the phone ringing. I don't need early wake-up calls either. Today I don't even want to talk to or see anyone, including Mark. I can't blame him because I feel that this is all my fault. If I had reacted differently or said things differently, would things have worked out in our favor? Maybe, maybe not. I'm just so angry at him and at everything and just this whole situation.

I've got to keep it together though. What do you tell your 3 year old when she wants to come home and that's all she keeps asking? I can't tell her about the case. I'm already lying to her when she asks about Mark. I don't like lying to my children. I just wish that they were back home with me. They'd be watching cartoons and eating breakfast now, Mal would probably be running around naked. I'm waiting on putting in my garden because that was something special that I started with Marilyn and I want to do with her.

I know I'm always busy and it has been a busy couple of years. I've plowed through two degrees and now I'm working and you know, that's what we have to do, but my kids are always my priority and everything is around them. They are my adult life because they are what has turned me into an adult.

This week is going to be a busy one though. I have to go into work tomorrow and I have to work Thursday and Friday. So I've got to keep it together. I get to see the girls on Wednesday and that's the day it will be meetings galore. And I have that interview on Thursday I have to prepare for because I've been waiting for awhile now and I finally have an professional interview after all of the positions I have applied for and never gotten this far.

The positive support from everyone makes a difference. It does.

Today is just not my day so far. :)