The Calm Before the Storm

So far as I can imagine. I hope it will be a better month.

I've been slackish on updating. I don't want to sit down and write for awhile only to come across as a Debbie Downer. That's truly the way that things have been lately. I'm quite frustrated. I'm quite upset. I'm quite worn out. I'm coming to a settling resolve with things and I feel confident in the choices I'm making to continue forward with, but I have a lot going on right now.

Firstly, the girls are doing well. Yesterday was Mallory's second birthday. I believe she had a wonderful day. She really liked the music player that I got for her and she wanted to wear her new shoes right away. I think I did quite well this year in my present selection. I am learning. She is really morphing into such a wonderful little girl. She has the most beautiful curls in her hair like Marilyn does, however, her hair is tinted more as mine and is darker and thicker than her sister’s. She has always had more hair than Marilyn. She is nearing the 28-29 pound mark and Marilyn just reached 30 pounds. I can't believe I have over 60 pounds of baby. They aren't babies anymore though. I spent a good portion of this morning rummaging through the photographs that I have on the Internet and in various other places on the computer. An abundance of photographs chronicling our life. I miss so many things.

As far as my legal situation, things have remained topsy turvy. I would say that they are looking up, but there is nothing concrete in any of this. I will most likely get the girls back in a few weeks with or without a charge of neglect. Yes, that is what they are going to pin on us, not abuse or anything else more serious like they’ve been looking to prove (because they don’t have any evidence), but neglect. Why? Because I obviously didn’t get Marilyn the help that she needed and obviously I knew that her touching herself was a problem. *sigh*. Nevermind that the counseling she is in now is more so dealing with the anxiety and adjustment issues she’s been having because they ripped her away from her parents and put her in foster care for a month. Her counselor even told me that it appears to just be a self-soothing mechanism. Didn’t I tell everyone that from the beginning?

In any case, I’m going to have my side heard. I’m not going to roll over and admit to anything that I didn’t do, and I most certainly didn’t neglect my children in any way shape or form.

As far as his side of the issue, he isn’t completely out of the water just yet, but the worst thing he will be facing is this sex offender assessment and then supervised visitation with a neglect charge. After all of this they have no proof of anything (because there truly isn’t anything to be found) and this whole thing has revolved around the lies of a caseworker and things that my daughter reportedly said.  There’s so much misinformation and I have been lied to pretty much about everything that they have told me. There have been very FEW things on which they have been straightforward with me on. Shocking, right?  It really makes me sad how much my girls miss him. I don’t know how he’s doing or feeling or anything, but I can imagine that he feels the same way. It’s really hard to go places where we would have gone as a family together, like outdoor events, parties, to the park, etc. There is a void left in his place and it isn’t something that can be ignored. The girls feel it. I feel it. I’m so silly even I started crying last time I went hiking through the park by myself because that is something that we always did as a family and that we liked to do and we will probably never do it ever again.

I don’t know how this is all going to pan out. It isn’t something I even feel comfortable or prepared in discussing with Marilyn and honestly I don’t think that now is the time. But what am I supposed to tell her after she comes home and she realizes that her father isn’t living with us anymore? She gets upset enough when she gets in her wedding phases (yes, she knows all about weddings somehow and I haven’t the slightest where she’s learning this because I certainly don’t talk about weddings or wedding dresses or anything of that sort) and she’ll be talking about MY wedding and I have to tell her that Mommy and Daddy aren’t married and that we aren’t going to have a wedding. That’s not the only thing she refuses to believe, the other day Betsy (the dog) bit a hole in Marilyn’s sparkly pink bouncy ball and Marilyn carried on about it for half an hour and the whole time refused to believe that the dog made the hole and instead blamed it on Mallory. It was a big to do. I had to go and buy her a replacement and she is STILL talking about how Mallory broke her other one even though I continuously tell her that it was Betsy’s fault. *Sigh* We talk a lot about moving to a new house and she likes that idea but she starts freaking out whenever I try to talk to her about going to a new school. So I suppose these conversations are best saved for a later date.

Mallory is coping quite well. I know that she misses her father too, but being that she’s so young, this whole situation hasn’t had nearly the same impact on her as it has had on Marilyn. She’s doing good with the potty training but I don’t have the support from everyone else to keep her in underpants all of the time. As soon as I get her home though, no more diapers! She talks and talks and talks and she has the funniest personality. I love watching how she and Marilyn interact and looking back, it probably was in their best interest to have two so close. They will always be sisters bonded by so much more than just blood (their birthdays, their names, etc. etc. etc.) and truly no matter what happens, they will always have one another to rely on. They’ll be close in school, close in age, close in everything. And they should be. I know that they are different (obviously like night and day) but I feel in a complimentary way. No matter what though, they will always have each other for support. They will never be alone. I think that is good, I can’t imagine how things would be if they didn’t have someone to cling to during this situation. Especially when they were in foster care.

As far as me…that’s an interesting story. I know better days will be coming. I don’t know when. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to have to muck through this ridiculousness. Probably for quite some time. The next year (at least) is going to be full of changes. Lots of changes. However, I feel that I have been quite the trooper up to this point and I really feel that this is my chance to start over, and so I’m doing so accordingly. Everything that was broken will be fixed or appropriately handled with. Communication, relationships, my overall well being, everything. Over the past few months I have confronted many different things and I am tying up a lot of loose ends. I’m saying what I need to say and a lot of things that I never said before. I’m coming to many new realizations. I’m learning a lot about the world. But yet, I still realize that I’ve still got a long way to go. I’m hoping in a year and a half, by the time I’m twenty-five, that things will be in a completely different place. That my career will be on track, the girls will be good, life will settle down and start working out more smoothly. I need some normalcy, it’s been too long living like this. Every experience has something that can be taken from it, there’s an opportunity for learning everywhere you look. This is no different. By no means is it something though that I’m enjoying, but I’m definitely learning. I’m being encouraged to use my brain even more, to think more. My brain is my best asset.

We’re on the final countdown for this trial. Final countdown meaning we still have a few weeks, but we’re fast approaching. I’m starting to get things prepared for the girls to come home. I’m also getting things prepared for when I move, one of those things has been weeding through the boxes of baby clothes. I can’t haul them from place to place if I don’t have any plans on having any more children any time soon (or ever again for that matter…) and so I’ve been charitable and I’m giving away all of the beautiful things so that someone else and their child can appreciate and use them as much as me and my girls did. I was fortunate myself in that aspect and I benefitted greatly from the kindness of others, especially with the hand-me-downs and the wonderful clothing my girls would receive for every holiday and birthday. I don’t want to bother with a garage sale, and I think that they will be used and appreciated by the people I gave them too. I am holding on to those treasured outfits. The ones I can recall with clarity how my babies looked in them. My favorites. I really had to mentally prepare myself for this task, because even though I wasn’t planning on having another child anytime soon (and Mark didn’t want anymore anyhow) it was still on my agenda. I want a boy. So I figure (this is my logic) that maybe I will have another baby someday, or maybe I won’t. I’m not going to dwell on it anymore. I love being pregnant and if I do have another child, it is going to be the most holistic and beautiful experience EVER. EVER. EVER. But if I don’t, I know enough people that are entering into the lifestages involving babies and parenthood and I’m more than happy to leach onto their life happiness. I can coo over babies that aren’t mine all of the time (and I do, quite frequently, because my friends have the most adorable of children and I think that me adoring them sends out good vibes in the universe for them, plus it just makes me happier for other people that are living a good life). In the meantime though, since I’m not having any babies or doing that, my body is my own and it’s getting in shape. Quick. It was crazy to think that I haven’t even breastfed in almost a year. My body is my own now, but I still share my arms for snuggling and my lips for kisses and my hair for my girls to “make it pretty”. My heart is mostly theirs though. I say mostly and not all, because that’s the truth. I love other things too and other people, and if I said that my children had my whole heart, that wouldn’t be the whole truth because they don’t because I still love other people and animals and things and such. Anyhow, that’s my reasoning.

So I’m back to business. I have a lot of things that I’m planning. The school year is about to begin. Fall is fast approaching and I will say that it has always been my favored season, even more so that I have Fall babies and I’ll be getting them back soon. I have a lot of wonderful things that I’m planning. Hopefully I’ll find a place to move (or get this house that I’ve been going for that still isn’t technically up for rent yet… but it’s perfect). Hopefully the girls will be able to see their father soon. I think that things are going to start getting better soon. I hope. It’s about time.