The Boil Down

So tomorrow is the big day. The big court hearing that things have been pointing towards for 4 months at this point.

And what a summer it has been.

I think, overall, I'm feeling pretty positive about tomorrow. I guess Mark passed his assessment so there shouldn't be any further issues on his behalf, and everything they have asked of me I've complied with. We've been preparing for months and I have been fighting and fighting and fighting. Which is good, because it has greatly lessened what we are up against. The original charges were going to be for sexual abuse and that has simmered down to just neglect.

Tomorrow isn't quite a trial, what tomorrow will consist of will be my legal representation common sense arguing with the evil prosecutor over if our actions constitute neglect.

If all does not go well, I will walk away tomorrow with a neglect charge on me. An invisible ink stain on my shirt, essentially, but I will be labeled a neglectful parent, because why? Because I didn't take my child to counseling when she started touching herself, that's why. If it all does go well I won't get a neglect charge and we will be able to do as we please. There are other variations of these events as well but it will essentially be upon the magistrate to determine custody and who is and is not allowed to be around my children. It's a mess.

I haven't blogged in a few weeks for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I have been busy. Very busy. As of September 6, the weekend after that they have allowed me unsupervised overnight visitation. Which means I got to bring the girls home. That was wonderful. I forgot how messy my children were or how demanding of me they were 24/7. I also forgot how wonderful it could be to have to repeat yourself over and over and over on a common sense issue, or maybe because I'm shuffling out the door with 60 pounds worth of bags on one arm and 30 pounds of Mallory in my other arm and instead of walking with us Marilyn is busy chasing the cat around the hallway.... In any case, it truly has been wonderful to have the girls back but there are a lot of things that I forgot about.

I forgot how quickly they can destroy a room. Or a pile of folded clothing. Or a kitchen. Or a box containing something that they want.

I forgot about all of the spills that occur either on accident or on purpose, like when Mallory decides that she doesn't want to eat what I made and she shoves her plate so forcefully that half of what was on it is transferred onto the table, or the floor.

I forgot what it was like to have them insist that I lay down with them and lay inbetween them and have my arm over Marilyn (she's quite forceful about the arm thing).

I forgot what it was like to fall asleep with them at 9:30 and lose all the time I could possibly have to myself because I'm sleeping through it and then wake up at 3 or 4 am to then have to go back to sleep so that I'm not a complete zombie in the morning.

I also forgot how wonderful it is to listen to their chatter throughout the day and to see how creative they are with everything. They both sing sing sing their little hearts out most of the time and they really do keep themselves occupied with the million plus toys that they have.

I am also experiencing for the first time ever how truly lonely it gets. And it gets very lonely. How it was before I was "like" a single mom, but at least he was still around in the evenings and in his free time. How it is now I am actually a single mom and there is no one around. I have no adult communication. I have no help. I don't even have that extra hand of relief that might be coming at a certain time. There is nothing. I don't think I was fully prepared for this adventure emotionally.

I was chatting (online of course) with another one of my mom friends who herself is recently separated and we came to this conclusion that sometimes it is worth it just to stay in a relationship and deal with the bullshit just so that you aren't doing it alone. Sometimes. I don't know how else to think. I have this lovely memory that blocks out a lot of things, which it has always done. So I'm not remembering vividly how things were before this whole mess. Which is probably a  good thing. Because I miss it, at least how I recall it, but on the other hand I don't. Some things stand out with clarity. I really don't think he ever would have married me, because honestly, every time it was brought up, within the first minute there would be jokes made about our divorce on his behalf. It's like setting up the jenga pieces to purposely knock them down I think. I miss him terribly, I truly do, and the girls definitely do and they talk about him daily. I really just wish this whole situation wasn't going to be this difficult. He won't even participate in the communication process and instead has shoved his mom in the middle, which ruins any relationship I could have with her because when it comes down to taking sides, she's on his. His brother isn't talking to me, but that isn't a surprise since I'm pretty sure he's hated me from the beginning. His family has more or less disappeared and I haven't heard more than a peep from most of them throughout the whole summer. But that isn't saying much, because a lot of people have fallen off the face of the earth during this entire ordeal. I don't think it has been a summer for anyone and I know that there has been a lot of other things going on, but still. The layers of the onion are starting to peel and things are really odorous.

Is it bad that when I cook now I'm already imagining his criticisms of everything that I made? And to be perfectly honest, I haven't really cooked in months, but since I've had the girls back that hasn't been the option and I will say that my cooking tastes a lot better than what I remember it to be. Sure sure, I have potential for screw ups, but overall I think my ratio has increased from 65% to maybe even 80%? Which is a jump but I'm totally serious. I made the most delicious soup yesterday with fresh green beans from my garden. I made awesome peanut butter blueberry banana bread. I made authentic tasting spanikopita a couple of weeks ago. I'm on a roll!

So far things have been going well. They miss their dad and talk about him everyday. Which is amazing because he won't talk to me for more than 30 seconds and barely acknowledges my presence when he has seen me in person. I don't know how things are going to work out after tomorrow if he is able to see them. I can tell you that I have been thoroughly disappointed with many people over the course of this summer and I'm not going to forget a lot of things. How he and I are supposed to raise two children when he doesn't want anything to do with me is a challenge I never before thought I was going to have to deal with. And here it presents itself. Great. And then on top of that everyone tells me I'm so wonderful and beautiful and intelligent and everything good, but if that is truly the case then why do the men who get involved with me end up hating me and am I really crazy enough to believe that anyone is going to want anything to do with me ever because I have two small children and a burgeoning professional career and a busy lifestyle. I think it's going to be a lonelier life than I previously imagined...


On the other hand, I've also been ridiculously busy not just because the girls are back, but because we're also in process of moving. I signed a lease on a three bedroom house just inside the city limits of Cleveland. It's a nice little house and it's going to give me a ton more space than what I already have. We really need a fresh start. I haven't been able to find a daycare for the girls closer so they will still go to school at where they are at now, but next year Marilyn will go to the kindergarten that is right around the corner from the house and Mallory will start preschool.

So that's been that over the past few weeks. Court stuff. Packing. Girls. I'm not totally overwhelmed but it has just been change after change after change and adjustments galore. I'm so salty and bitter and jaded by things but yet I'm still hopeful that tomorrow will be the spark for positive things. Or it can be a slap in the face to what I've gone through all summer. I don't know. I have confidence in my legal representation that he will make a good argument as to the actual facts of the case, which common sense wise are so glaringly obvious. But if there's one big lesson I have learned, which I have learned quite a few recently, it is that the legal system does not operate on common sense.

So with that said, I'm going to leave things at that. I will be updating sometime tomorrow after the hearing. It will be an interesting day if anything else.