How Motherhood Feels on Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day.

Needless to say, being a weekend and being that my children are not usually with me on the weekends typically anymore, I was not woken up to them celebrating my wonderfulness. I was woken up to my buzzing cell phone with my mother calling me to wish me a Happy Mother's Day as early as possible.

Thanks. I was really hoping to sleep in.

I think that the specialness of different events and holidays lost the sparkle a long time ago. I am genuinely quite sad and it is surprising to me that anyone has gone out of their way to say Happy Mother's Day to me. I wonder though if the man who was the father to my motherness will say anything. A big part of me thinks that he will not and it this point I am not surprised or even disappointed. It is just a self fulfilling theory that was developed because of the pattern of behaviors displayed over a range of time.

I have harbored life within my body and brought that life into the world of being. I have protected and nurtured and created an environment for my offspring to thrive. And they do. My babies have flourished and become little girls. Lively, vivacious, intelligent little independent beings. It does take a village to raise a child though and especially with my children, it has not all been my doing. Not at all.

I do not feel celebratory today. I still haven't even seen or spoken with my children. Most of the time I don't even feel like I am a very good mom. I feel like I could be spending more quality time with them or that I shouldn't be scolding them or yelling at them so much. I have a lot of guilt over how their lives have transformed and the things that they have been subjected to over the past year. I have a lot of anger that their lives, and mine, have been transformed, ultimately in a better and more positive way, but at the same time there are gaping holes left where the bites got through and chunks of our life are missing. I feel that void even more on happy days. On celebratory days.

I think about this future of mine that I am dreaming up. I think maybe I will someday have happiness again. Anticipated sweetness and just overwhelming love. I sound so ungrateful for the attention which I do receive, and I am totally grateful. I just feel hollowed and empty though. All holidays have become like this for me, I have begun to dread them.

I dream that perhaps someday I will have a man I love and who loves me and perhaps someday we will celebrate our love in marriage and God creates a life that is both my husband and I. I will grow that life within in and I will be loved and cared for and my motherhood will be appreciated and wonderful. It is a different life when you have the support and love of your man helping you to raise your children. They say that the greatest thing a man can do is love and respect the mother of his children. I feel like mother's day is an extension of that overall way of being.

I don't feel like I am as much of a mother anymore as I used to be. I know I was a better parent, that I invested a lot more. I know things change as your children grow and become more independent, I just have this separation and I am frustrated when I try to pull that overwhelming love and adoration back in and I get chaotic results. I spend more than half of my time not acting as a parent. I am detrimentally less of a parent than I used to be and I am reminded of that so much. It has changed me. I miss the way I used to be. I am looking forward to the woman I will someday become, but I hate this awkward middle stage that I must continue to muck through until enough time passes and life events unfold and transpire as they will. I don't like how any of this feels and I am tired of dealing with all of the catch up.

I don't like my life that much all of the time. I am not very happy at all and my attempts at happiness end up with more of a mess to deal with. I'm just so tired and when I wake up, I'm angry. I'm tired of waking up angry.

I don't know what I would like to do with my children later. Sleep and cuddle really. When it comes down to it that's all I really like to do lately, everything else is wonderful but if it comes down to sleep versus fun, I am going to start taking sleep over fun. Sleep IS fun.

I think I am going to start shutting down to really focus more on what I feel is important. My children, my studying, my research, my sleep. I think I keep myself so busy not only because I am driven and motivated and there are many things I like to do but also because when I start to slow down, even a little bit, everything else starts to catch up with me, and I don't like catching up on some things. On every path or every expedition, such as climbing a mountain, the uphill journey is terrible and taxing and strenuous and hard, and when you reach the top, the trip down isn't smooth at all. You have to get past the lactic acid buildup, the exertion, the fatigue, the strain. You have to rest and settle before you can work your way back. I hope this is my rest and settle, but I know the trip back down will be a difficult adventure, but more smooth sailing than before, because this time I will be working with gravity and I will be in a much more grounded and foundational place than when I began climbing the mountain or even resting on top. No one wants to stay at the top of the mountain. I don't. If I keep myself focused on my goals and energized and ready to go, it will not be as hard going down as it was climbing up. I have to be careful though so I don't fall of the mountain though, sometimes the footing gets slippery. Especially when it rains.