I can't even pretend to purr like a kitten

I suppose the time has come and gone for any sort of new update. I don't really know what to say.

I have been blisssfully partaking in my "staycation" the past week and a half and do I feel caught up? Not really. I rushed around and got some essential things done to my household prior to party time, but the scramble was on. I mean, I have had almost three months to reassemble my life at this new house.

Life is well. I have been making lots of new friends in all sorts of new environments and I am learning a lot of new things about myself as a person. I am readily preparing for the LSAT and contemplating my future and what I strive to do quite frequently.

Who is the person which I am going to become?

I never thought of things like that before.

My self has begun to emerge as the twisted and bitter person she is and is capable of being. I truly believe this and  I surprise myself in my actions, it is almost like an out of body experience. As I am going through these things, in my mind I am calling out the causes of my behaviors. I am providing the true logic to my emotions. But I still feel them. They still cause me to react. I need to learn how to focus and to shut down my emotional reactions, because what I am discovering is no good. I am rarely acting in a loving manner.

I know it is within me to have positive emotions. To fall in love. To overwhelmingly cherish everything in my path. I know so because I definitely know what that is like. To create ever lasting emotional connections that persist.

I don't feel it within me to reciprocate anything to an extreme.

I am jaded and bitter and broken.

Years of maltreatment have done this to me. Horrible experiences have caused my reaction. My emotional shut down. I currently endure.

Is this permanent? Do I need to just find the "right" one? Will I get better over time and through even more failed relationships (which are failing mainly in part because my removal of emotion and sensitivity)?

This I do not know.

It seems to me that the men I love fail to reciprocate my love evenly or more than, and the men who fall in love with me fail to gain my sexual interest, which simply is everything. Then there are the men I love who hide from me.

I am a formidable character it seems.

I have thought and refined the qualities in which I would desire within a mate. I have given much consideration and at times even debate to these characteristics and I stand firm behind my beliefs on such. I have also developed a number of theories on men and time and time again I am proven true. I need an ambitious professional stronghold who is more man than me. Who is smart and capable and intelligent and strong and tall.



I do not know how other women operate. I do not have a plethora of examples to follow when navigating certain territories of my life, so I am roughing it on my own without any guidance at all.

I am working very hard to become the woman I want to be. These are indeed my growing and working years. I feel I am a beautifully flowering weed.



What do I need to do to improve upon these occurrences?

I'm a hustler. A tiger lady, always roaring and running. What man would want me anyway?