Virtuosity

All of the best days start off with cuddles.

Today was kind of one of those days. Sort of.

I still haven't figured out the kindest most gentle sweet way to lure my child out of bed in the morning. And besides that, I don't have the time anyhow, that kid will sleep through any alarm and I don't always jump to rise in the morning either. She is a sleeper-inner, not a waker upper. But after I jarred her awake and got her off to school (and she had time to eat most of her boiled egg!) I was hungry, so I made coffee and potato pancakes. Then I wrote for a bit. Then I took a shower. Then I got to cuddle. Now I'm hanging out on my couch with Mal. So my day did not necessarily BEGIN with cuddles, but it is close enough that I figure it should be pretty awesome. I have a lot of couch cuddle time coming up this afternoon! They will be more than happy to hang out with me on the couch and play with their computers and watch movies with me. We don't have all afternoon, we have visiting to do and then they will be off to see their father for the weekend.

Usually I go into work in the mornings on Fridays these days. Today I will get to see what I am missing out on, which is really time being at home with my children. I do important and relevant worthwhile things while I am away. I am a burgeoning blossoming professional business woman, I have a strong foundation to build and maintain before I bloom into something successful. That's what I keep telling myself, that these years ahead will be all worthwhile and useful in the long run and all of the hard work behind me has and will continue to pay off. 

I don't want to be one of those personal bloggers who only writes when I'm having issues. Yes, partially due to my issues is a reason I am sitting down to write as it can help me to clarify a great many things, however, it is not my primary reason for writing. I am a happy person. I try to be and I think I display a great natural tendency towards optimism. When in doubt, smile.

Without going into abundant detail, I have been faced with some new challenges over the past few weeks. I have been struggling with these new situations and thrown a bit off balance. It has forced me to reevaluate many things and also to tally up.

Everything always finds a way to work out.

I have to have faith that everything will work out and not completely lose it or immediately go into panic mode whenever I am faced with something. I get that fight-or-flight response for good reason, but perhaps it would do me best to be more calm about situations. Relax. Have faith that I am doing the right things, and if I am not, what can I do to propel myself in the right direction to do so?

I talked with someone who is nowhere near a member of my personal fan-club by any means, and things were said that dug deep. Very deep. I still think it is amazing that you can actually talk to someone and have a full blown screaming/hang up the phone type of argument. In under two minutes. I took the things he said to me very seriously. They were very hurtful. This past week has been kind of tumultuous with worrying about so many different things. But it is all going to work out just fine, and I realized that I may make grave mistakes within my communication methods at times, but I have made effort to improve. Some people, unfortunately have not. And so I have to remember, of course he will stab me in the heart and say the most hurtful thing possible to me if he knows it will hurt me. Some things you can just figure without even having to know. It doesn't really matter what he has to say, I know that I am not and have not failed my children. He is failing, if anything, to create less stress for them in how he communicates and interacts with me. I would like to think it would be a positive that I would consult him on issues with our child, but I am finding that he is not a positive problem solver  and I'm best off never revealing any weakness or doubt on my behalf because he will just extort me for it. SSDD right? Oh well.

I'm trying to be as patient and calm as I can. I am learning patience in many different ways. I have this insatiable appetite and I want everything yesterday, and for somethings, yes, I suppose that would be appropriate. Other things I have to wait, nothing I can do will rush it and even if I try to, it is impossible. It's like cooking, sometimes you just have to wait for the dough to rise, you can't rush it or force it, you can watch it increase and grow but you know that you cannot do anything but wait for the next step. There is nothing worse than thinking about something all of the time and knowing that it isn't quite just within your grasp. Here's a taste of amazingness but you have to wait patiently for another bite. I have a lot on my mind lately and somethings I can not get out of my mind. I wouldn't use the word "haunt" but in a way I feel unsettled and I don't like to wait.

Patience is a virtue though. I'm working on being virtuous.

And in the meantime, I'm changing some things around. Morphing into a different being of me. Falling head over heels for my research, since that is the only thing keeping me up late nights these days. Research, knitting and studying. That's the way to be right? Books over boys? It isn't that I'm opposed to men, I'm working on softening my heart and towards being more receptive to love, but I haven't quite found anything that has worked so far. Patience, that's the correct concept, right?

So things keep on and on. I count my blessings daily because at least those are fun to keep track of.