Here's a blog for you

I want to tell you upfront that this blog is kind of just random. I felt the urge and here I am sitting down at my computer, blogging away while eating delicious freshly baked Italian bread. There is nothing tastier than fresh baked bread in my opinion.

There's a lot to be thankful for lately.

Things did not dramatically change in the way I was anticipating when I last wrote.

Cold feet.

Thank goodness for that.

I've been contemplating a lot about the past year of my life. Things haven't been so tumultuous and I feel that I am mellowing out and calming down a bit and resettling. That's good.

The past year has been a trip. Simply put, my mom ended up in a mental hospital and my dad had a heart attack and is now starting to become afflicted with all of those other old-people types of issues. That was all just at the end of the year though, previously  it was just me swinging way on the other side of the Michelle-pendulum and finding my way back to center and Marilyn started school and that has been a rough road to begin traveling, although it is evening out a bit, it just takes her time to adjust. I've been working on that whole stability thing and getting them back into a routine and a real schedule. It's funny how easily all of that can escape you sometimes. Things with my ex haven't really changed, we don't really communicate at all but sharing the girls has been working out just fine, although the schedule doesn't really deviate, which sometimes sucks because I want to spend weekends with my kids sometimes.

I don't want to say that my work has been a joke, but I haven't been working nearly as much as I could or probably should be. However, as a single mother, I have all of these little life dilemmas that most people wouldn't ordinarily imagine. You see, if I work a lot and I make less than so much money, I can get help to pay for care for my children. However, if I work a lot and I make so much money, I get no help, and childcare, out of pocket, is insane. If I work a little I can still get help, but then what's the point because I'm around and ably able to watch my own children.  Besides that, my work schedule isn't accommodating to the standard 9-5 day and your typical childcare is available with that working time in mind. It's always something. So right now I'm more of a stay-at-home mom who works part-time. That took me a minute to swallow. But it is what it is and in a few years both girls will be in school all day and I won't have to worry about typical childcare arrangements other than having someone around after school until I get home. I can do this.

And I have been keeping busy with my other projects too. I find myself lacking in motivation sometimes, and I'm silly  because I base what I do on what I feel like doing or I set ridiculous goals for myself to accomplish. But it helps to spur me along. My independent research study was approved and I've spent 5 months conducting and compiling all of my preliminary research on part one of the project. Nevermind that I have a ton of work still to do and lots of research to compile, the majority of my research foundation is ready now.

I've learned a lot about patience over the past year. I'm still learning a lot about patience. It is a sought-after virtue amongst these parts.

I've learned a lot about love over the past year. I don't want to say that it isn't something I want to mess around with, because you don't want to completely avoid something like that, but rather it's been a rocky road and at least for right now, I don't want much to do with it because it hurts. I'm not feeling to hot these days and physical looks mean absolutely nothing. More often than not I find myself sleeping alone, saddled with some man's regret than with any burning glow of love or desire within. This lack I feel feels like this empty part in my chest. It's hard to explain, but if you've ever felt it you know what I'm talking about. I feel like I'm sometimes on the verge of happiness but that's when that suck in my chest really kicks it up a notch and makes itself noticeable. But I'm done mucking around with it right now and I'd like to find a way to shut off that feeling. Maybe it is something that if I ignore it will eventually dull down and I'll get used to it? Or maybe it will just build in force and power and suck away at my soul until I find something to fill it with? I do not know. Both of those options don't really sound preferrable. I don't know. I'm done worrying about it. Patience.

I have also gotten some ideas into my head and I'm going to thoroughly investigate the possibilities of such. I think I need to just keep branching out and growing. As old as I feel sometimes, I am not very old at all and now is my chance to try new things and see what the world has to offer me. You know, of course while working on all of the other things I am pursuing, such as law school. Perhaps later I will pen my essay on my reasoning behind why I want to be a lawyer. I've been having a terrible time writing it and I need to very soon.

I don't want to write anymore, and I realize this blogn sounds depressive. I kind of am. I'm kind of not. The past week my brain has been a jumble and I need to give it sometime to unjumble and just clear itself. Honestly. I feel a little overwhelmed. That makes sense to write it but I feel like I've been thinking it and feeling it and it didn't all connect until I really sat here and thought about it and wrote it out with my fingers. And THAT'S exactly why tend towards the written words. They make more sense.

Happy Sunday. My runaround to collect my littles begins now. I miss them terribly when they're gone. There never seems like enough time, but then sometimes I can't wait for the time to pass by. I don't like this coldness in the winter.