Melancholy Randomness

I don't want to do it alone.

I feel selfish for wanting that, I really do. It sucks having to do everything by yourself, and then at the end of the day you are still left alone, without companionship or anyone to talk to. Every weekend you go out, you try to make new friends and do things but inevitably, by the end of the night, you are always alone. It's the best pattern ever, but there's always one thing that stays the same. The aloneness.

I haven't quite been lately and I'm about to be even more than I have been in awhile and I'm not handling this very well at all. I'm trying, to be honest, to readjust to the idea that my life is going to be super awesome once I turn back into a single footed table. Imagine one of those little dinette tables with just one foot to keep everything standing. What happens to the table if that one foot is kicked or jarred or knocked down? Right? Catastrophe.

But imagine that same little dinette table but with two legs, it is much stronger and sturdier almost than the original table. If one of those legs is bumped or jarred the other leg is there to keep the balanace of the table, to prevent it from total catastrophe. The food might fall, but there is always that other critical leg to backup the strength of the other one.

In a way, I feel like I'm about to lose a critical leg.

Which is silly, because I know I can never rely on anyone other than myself. It just doesn't last.

I have yet to love and have that overwhelmingly reciprocated. To be honest I feel broken. I'm starting to feel that this is just how it is going to be forever and that there is no use loving anyone new, because I feel so emptyanymores, like no one cares to ever pour their love into me and I give it all I can to my children and to anyone else around me. I try to be a loving person, but nobody loves me.

Every man that has ever come into my life has willingly left. Good men, bad men. The bad ones seem to be more difficult to get them to leave but the good ones don't seem to miss much.

That is just my observation.

But right now I'm faced with a situation and there is nothing that I can say or do that would not be purely selfish. Being selfish only benefits you and makes you feel better about things, it isn't my place to speak my piece if it affects the happiness and feelings of others.

And if someone wants to go, you have to let them go. Even if you feel like your world is going to come crashing down after they go. Even if you can't even remember how tough things get without any help around. You have to let them go. And you can't stand next to the door waiting if they will turn around and look back for that long lingering stare. That's having expectations. And what I have learned about having expectations is this: don't. You will be pleasantly surprised if you receive anything while always expecting nothing. But you will always be disappointed if you expect anything and always receive nothing. So I always expect nothing.

But it isn't always fair. Sometimes you get something other times you don't. I need consistency and reliability and a strong foundational backup. My team is really empty anymore.

So I guess my question for myself at this moment is this. Why write a blog about it all?

That's just how things are going. I'm having a difficult time lately  being positive about anything. I will continue to trek forward and I have lots of little things I look forward to. Little things is all though.

I will say though that I have been more content with my life lately than I was before, and it doesn't matter though because it's all shifting back to the great nothing,

And I don't feel that great about it. Not one bit.