So I'm going to write just really to write just to get these thoughts out of my head.

Today was a weird day. Lots of weird thoughts running through my jumbled up brain. Lots of old feelings came to mind and I took my time mulling these things over (also since my iPhone had a low battery I didn't want to risk listening to my music for the extended amount of driving time I had today so I had a lot of time to listen to my thoughts).
and this is what I think.

I want to get married someday.

And this isn't anything new, I just think I have fallen into a reality where I never really imagined those things ever really happening. Unlike most women, I do not contemplate or plan out my dream wedding.

I truly never thought anyone would like me enough or love me enough to ever commit to me for the rest of their life.

I am a steadfast and loyal lover and when I make a commitment I stick to my words and my heart.

And I don't know what's going on with my brain. This nonsense wasn't in there a week ago, or two weeks ago, or if it was I don't know, I don't think it was, I don't usually get these sort of thoughts up in there.

But this is the thing

a year ago, two years ago even, I was perfectly content with the idea of a stay-at-home husband. My man with dish pan hands. Someone who could cook and clean and take care of my babies. That was my ideal.

I don't quite know what happened when I hit singledom though. Maybe I hit it a bit too hard and it jostled my brain too much. I started wanting different things.

And I've given it time, I've tried to be patient, but I haven't quite found what I was looking for. And I don't think I want that anymore.

Maybe I had the right idea before. Happiness doesn't come in the form of who is the best provider, it comes from contentment and love and security and from the ability to follow your dreams and realize your passions. And having support. and someone who loves you for you and for all you can be, not just who you are at one moment in time.

I don't know.

consider this another failed attempt blog
I don't know what my thoughts are up to again today.