Is there?

Is there a polite way to post online that you are truly grateful for a continuation of anonymous gifts, particularly a giftcard to a general grocery store?

Because I'd be going without a lot lately: Like deodorant; toothpaste that wasn't sparkly and tasted like sugar; cat food (I would have had to have sprung down some cash for cat food though); and all sorts of other silly things that cost money that I don't have.

I hate having to admit that money is so rough for me these days. I'm not very good at the budgeting of things and even if I was, today the babysitter found yet another check that I had given to her, and what am I supposed to tell her- 'yeah, I know it's been over a month, but could you wait another month until I have that extra $85 to spare?' I don't think so. So that's a bunch of money I wasn't expecting to have gone. And I needed an oil change and that's $60 too. Everything adds up so quickly and I don't know, it seems like its getting harder and harder to get by.

So truly, every little bit counts.

I should write more. I thought about writing a whole blog post about my theories on clouds today. Or another one all about how grateful I am for things lately.

Truth be told, lately I'm very meh.

I've been meh for a long minute it seems like... and I'm having a hard time shaking it.

Vacation was wonderful. It truly was. I'm glad I can do these things for my children and give them wonderful childhood memories. I haven't spent that much time with them non-stop in quite awhile as well. I can honestly say that they are some of the most magnificent people I have ever met. I love them more than anything else in the whole wide world. I love them more than words can describe. I am so glad to be their mother and to have the opportunity to influence and raise such two fine children. They are wonderful. Marilyn does whine a lot and Mallory isn't the best at doing things not-her-way, but aside from that, they are the best kids I could have ever have hoped for.

I will have to write a post with some highlights. I'll save that for Monday though.

Vacation was also  absolutely exhausting. It's a different game when it is all on your dime, on your time, on your effort, and all on you. I did everything. For 3+ days. And I was jam packed busy most of the following weekend and subsequently I spent most of this past week burnt out and laying around on my couch, consuming everything I could (lots of hummus...).

In the weeks preceding my vacation time I put in many many hours giving massages and conducting energy work on people and I've made a lot of new friends as a result and it paid for the majority of our vacation. I kind of did that thing I do though and I overworked myself and then I went on an awesome, but exhausting vacation.

Now I'm feeling back in the game and it's feeling like fall and I'm happier. but still very very meh

I had a friend over last night who picked up on it more than most people have, he's known me a lot longer than anyone else really, and it took some drunk kitchen yoga and an ill-timed joke truly for me to even smile he noted.
I don't exactly feel like a Debbie Downer, but I guess I could see how it could be going on like that.

I feel like I have plateaued. Like I am stuck wading through thick muck, slowly making my way, but never seeming to get any further on the day to day. I'm still waitlisted, still wondering, still a spinster waiting for someone to love me back as much as I love them.

In the meantime of all of this waiting, I suppose I learn more patience. And continue to keep myself overwhelmingly busy with work (even though I never have enough money to do essential things- I do seem to work a lot) and pretty soon, at an inderminate date, things will be shifting again and I will have a family member of mine even more inundated within my daily life, which will be probably a blessing in disguise and will be good and transformative, but maybe, maybe it will also be super stressful- who's to say really? I'm not worrying about things right now, I'm more worried that I can't afford a babysitter to go to work these days.

Agh. Such are the woes of me.


(I will write again when I'm not frumpy).