Make the Light

This is going to be the year that it all takes off.

I can feel the change already. It's shifting.

Tonight was one of those nights. I felt it again. That anxious-y, skin crawling, fight or flight feeling that I get in the pit of my stomach--- the one that I can't shake and I can't escape. I feel this crawling on my skin.

I know this feeling well, but it feels like it has been some time. I have so much to catch up on.

The result of which is that I am in my living room, trying to be as quiet as I can, playing catch up on all of this essential stuff, like paperwork and bill paying and all this stuff.

I want to move. I'm going to be moving again soon.

I'm trying to avoid the doldrums lately also.

Which almost seems silly, because I am surrounded and enveloped in happiness on the regular. This is love. This is what love feels like. Unconditionally wonderful. He is wonderful. I don't know where it is going, but it is amazing. There's no concrete anvil to the ship though, and as always I have learned to assume nothing....but the journey is proving to be a wonderful amazing adventure and doubtlessly has been the upside to everything I've been enduring over the past few  months. I was not expecting any of this. It is wonderful. It is a happiness enabler. He is more amazing than anything I could have ever have imagined, and indeed, somehow the universe saw it fit to place a man in my path that fit every single piece of exactly what I asked for, what I needed, and then some.

I feel guilty that my ins and outs over this evening have awakened him from slumbering. I feel bad that my terrible dreamings over the past week or so have disrupted him.

But I'm on a clean mind kick these days and I suppose maybe I didn't totally envelope all of what it entailed, but I'm a short portion in again and I know I can do this because I've done it before but this time it is my resolve to stick with it.

I wish I could make a resolve for better dreamings though. They have been intense this past week- which doesn't help me one bit. I dreamt the other night that white wolves hunted me down and devoured my body. I've been dreaming about a lot of weird things, like I turned something back on and it's all flowing out. Someone indicated that the wolves eating me could be a sign of absolute change.

I know there is change on the horizon. I don't know what. But I'm looking forward to it. I'm anxiously anticipating.

I don't like this stage of my life anymore. I feel like it is a constant struggle. It is a constant struggle.

Thank you Shanta, if you are reading this. Is it terrible to admit that if not for your gracious gift, my children would have received little to nothing for Christmas this year?

The gift was well spent and the girls love their pony sticks (you know, those sticks with the unicorn heads that make galloping noises when you press the buttons) and M2 got a baby polar bear stuffed animal (which is all that she actually asked for and wanted) and M1 got a robot baby rabbit (because Santa did not feel that a real baby rabbit would be something useful to actually have around the house) and some Gak (that was adoringly played with until who knows what happened to it because ewwwww that stuff is gross and smells weird and feels weird if you accidentally step on a piece of it with your brand new pair of fuzzy socks) and they got walkie talkies I am going to obtain batteries for. It was a little Christmas this year, quite sparse indeed, but I love seemingly how my children have adapted and are not materialistic. They don't seem to grasp the concept like other children do- of the gimme gimmes and wanting this and that. M1 was obsessed with the notion of getting a REAL baby rabbit (but that was totally NOT going to happen) and M2 could barely come up with a list of wants. They did express desires for this contraption called a Furby Boom, but that was absolutely NOT happening and so I effectively brainwashed them over a span of weeks on how creepy they are and downloading the free iPad app seemed to sufficiently suffice. Virtual pets are more interactive and cooler ANYHOW.

A beautiful thing that M1 said to me was this: "If there is no God in Christmas, then they would just call it WishMas" and she's absolutely correct.

I think I'm doing something right. 

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

My gratitude goes beyond words can describe. They are the only cards I receive on the regular that make me cry.

I myself received a beautiful bird photograph of my favorite variety, and some fuzzy socks, a throw blanket my mother had made a long long time ago, a christmas floor mat featuring Santa Claus, some new towels (my father was aghast at the condition of my towels when I brought them over to use his drying facilities- so the towels were impromptu), and some washclothes and yes! A pair of fuzzy socks. I did also receive a belated gift the other day of M1's dead pet mussel shells (It was totally dead) and now I can fill them with crystals for display. She is incredibly thoughtful and was quite excited for some time to give me the shells, imagine my surprise though, when she presented me with the wrapped gift while I was laying in bed, and I unwrapped it only to discover that it was the freshly cleaned shell of her determinidly dead mussel (because there was a debate a few days before and she took the mussel out of the aquarium and put it alone in a jar for observation- because it was my fault if it was dead- because I didn't put it in proper oyster water - even though the thing lived and was happy for MONTHS and MONTHS and I know NOTHING about the care and maintenance of a freshwater mussel).

But I digress.

I am still struggling though and at some point I don't know- it has to change. I am about to enter into a period of even greater struggle, I imagine. I wish I could get a different job to just make more, but why bother if I'm still in this waiting phase for law school. And then the struggle will change. I'm hoping that my alternative routes will be productive into the new year, I hope so, because it is the only open road and adventure I am feeling a call to pursue. I have no other plan B at this point if I don't get accepted this year into law school. I truly don't know what I'm going to do. I can't afford quite as much anymore and I need to be more frugal. I hate this constant struggle, it seems like things are much more fruitful during the summer and warmer months- this massage training is definitely paying off, but since the fall when all of the family stuff kicked up, I've been down to the basics again, and it doesn't cut it. Does this ever get any easier? Does help every swoop in? I hate to ask for anything and when does it become a bad excuse to be in the state I'm in? I feel like I'm never ever ever going to win at this rate. I don't want to get discouraged, but I hate this wait, and I don't know what I'm waiting for, and more often than not it doesn't feel like anything is going to change.

But I'm getting antsy and anxiousy and it is my absolute resolution for this year to not worry about anything. Don't worry about money (ha ha ha ha hahahahahahaha this is going to be a challenge as it is my #1 cause of stress) and don't worry about where you're going to move (hahahahahahah because I can't afford anything more expensive than what I"m at now and the challenge will be to find something that works and it is already one of those sinking pit feelings when I start to look because I see all these things that would work that are just sliiiiiiiiiiiiiightly more expensive than what I can afford right now) and don't worry about anything (just typing that makes me want to cry) because it will all work out....right? it always works out. You always make it work out. No matter what. Right? Right? Right?

I wish it was all out of my hands, but I am the rock behind the wall, the standing tower after the storm, the one who will always fight. I facilitate the light. Because it is right.

and in the meantime, I will use this nervous energy to get rid of and downsize and shimmy back into that gypsy woman mentality I'm so good at. This is stability in motion.

I just wish I knew where I was going.