Hello 4:30AM

Hello 4:30 AM

We meet yet again

You seem to be the time, when my dehydrated over energized body awakes into this existence

Hello Blog

Since we last spoke, things have taken a dramatic turn, for the better

Maybe it is true that one must get to the bottom of the depths of despair if they are going to reach the peaks of the mountains of bliss.

I'm getting married.

He said he wants to help shoulder the responsibility that is my life. He loves me enough to do that, he promised he won't ever hate me or think that I'm crazy, he's the right kind of type I'm thinking, the type with endless patience.

He fits 49/50 of List 1.0.

He's proven he will stand by me, without judgment, and that he will support me and have my back, no matter what, no matter how rational I am or how much I don't make sense.

He loves me for me, unconditionally, with all of my life and everything.

I think it was him I was waiting for.

Long ago, before I took my year of break from all of it; I very carefully contemplated, very carefully calculated, and I had two even lists of 9. I swore to myself I wasn't going to do anymore of it like that again, that they had been my lessons in love; that if I would let my heart sing again, that would be it. No more nonsense. And I got a bird tattoo on my rib cage; as close as I could to my heart.

On a whim I wrote to this man, out of his love of the birds. And he is 10.

It has been unlike anything I've ever experienced and he is unlike anyone else I have ever met. And he loves me. All of me. He loves my children and my house and

HE LOVES MY BED

It's an amazing feeling to have so much certainty in things, to see things unfolding and progressing in only positive change. I have to shift everything to make room for him in my space; it's all happening within the next 7 days. And he was well worth the wait.

When I get that overwhelmed feeling, like things aren't going very well at all, I finally have this assuredness inside, that everything is going to be fine. It's all going to be okay. My hours cut down again at the college for the summer, that's okay- I'm not shouldering these bills and rent alone. I'm not the only person around who cares about my children and is willing to step up and take responsibility for them. It's shifting, but the less rushing and hustling I have to do, the better I'm beginning to feel.

So we're planning this thing (I asked him by the way, because I refuse to settle for just 'someday') and he's open to all of my ridiculousness. All of it. Because he accepts me for me. For my flaws and my vices and everything and anything so far he's seen. He knows the bounds my unconditional love provides, and how I can be hurt, and how I forgive, and how I acknowledge and continue on loving. He knows. He sees it in action. He feels it in action.

So I have to put this out there, yes it has been fast, but if you are on a race track in a car that is steady and stable and you're a mess of jitters in the thing the whole drive to get to the finish line, do you keep going at a steady pace of slow; or do you put your lead foot on the pedal and just go for it?
I know what type I am, and he's meeting me halfway. And thus far, as predicted, it is bringing joy and happiness to those surrounding us. I want to spread love, not stifle it. And besides, we have to form the alliance. :D

so that is where I have ended up. In full honesty, admitting to others your true internal feelings, as terrible as they may seem, sometimes is the only vehicle for change. But I can't lie. I won't lie. I promised him that. And he cares enough to step up and shift out of the comfortability of his life and what he has always been used to. He's doing amazingly. He has always from day one.

My metaphor even very early on went something like this

I feel like I casually invited him to come over and hang out by my Olympic sized swimming pool, for a casual party, with chips; not knowing even that he could swim until he showed up and jumped in and knew how to synchronized swim like the best of them. But if I had asked him before hand, or anytime early on, he wouldn't have known even what swimming was or that he was so capable.

It's nice to feel better about life.

And he's different than all the rest. He's there. No matter what. And he thinks my tears are beautiful. But he loves my smile the most.