I don't want to be alive anymore.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never get anything I desire, and I was not put here in this life for any reason to benefit myself.

I feel love. I feel overwhelming love.

But I do not love myself. I see nothing to love. I don't feel it.

Out of my love for my children I remain. I made a list of to-dos before I would responsibly off myself to takemyself out of this constant misery that is constantly my life.

It's never going to get any easier or better and I appreciate the handouts I get from the Universe.

I thrive in helping and loving and serving others. But not myself.

I don't want to do any of this anymore and I feel it within the pit of my soul.

This is not my soul's journey for my life.

I am not selfish. I never was. I don't know if I have the capacity to be.

But I want out.

But I have these two amazing children who rely on me, and they have other people around as well, but without me they won't get the proper information and life that they deserve.

So I have no choice but to trek on, at least long enough to get everything just so for when I'm gone, so that it is not this terrible thing for them, but rather an organized experience of one woman's time here.

This week has been really hard, and I tell myself that happiness is there, that it will prevail, but I don't see it. I feel nothing but hopelessness and futility. For dreams I will never achieve, for a life I will never be able to lead.

What's the use in all of this for me?

I'm not here for me though, I'm here to serve and to help others, because I'm more capable.

But I can't heal myself and I can't fix my heart. And I can't expect or rely upon anyone else to take on this burden of my life with all of my baggage and there are far too many considerations.

Maybe it's just a bad day? Maybe it's a bad month? Maybe this is just a shitty chapter in my book of lives.

I don't know, but I had to get this out of my head space and now that I've started crying it is my hope that I choke on my tears, because I won't stop crying anytime soon, it will just be a continuation of the other day and the last time I allowed myself to leak out all of these emotions that I swallow because there is never ever anytime to deal with anything ever and I suck it up and continue on because who else is going to keep everything running?

When I was a little girl I felt like this often. I once asked my mother why she hadn't just drowned me at birth like a litter of kittens if I was really such a burden. I was six or seven.

I used to wish for a brain tumor or cancer as a child. As a teenager, I didn't think I'd last beyond my 18th birthday and somehow, amazingly, I did.

Having children gave me something to live for, because they rely upon me, and I thrive with such responsibility.

and I've found myself in the pits before, with good reason, and knowing that it would pass.

But this time feels different, I am hopeless and futile, letting my hopes and dreams and wishes just slip away, because it doesn't matter what I want, it's just wasted energy towards pipedreams that will never happen. A bright enough light burning that everyone takes notice. I know I do so much good for people and I help, because this is what I do, because I try, because it makes me feel good. I can't take my leave  and leave things a mess to be discovered, to unraveled, that's not fair of anyone.

So although it will take some time, I have many ducks to get in order, many people to help stabilize, and then I want out, I want out of this terrible futile life of mine.

I don't feel like I'll ever stop crying.