I was talking and thinking today that indeed; I have always been a blogger and indeed; there have always been places in which I deposit my information on the Intraweb to document the ongoings of my life and what I am up to.
So I'm going to tell you what I'm up to.
For the first time ever ever ever; and this I will maintain; I have landed in the twenty-something genre of the trying-to-conceive. Rationally it makes sense; we have a growing family and there's a whole list of logical wonderful reasons and there are a million things we have talked about in the most serious of ways and it's something that we've made the conscientious decision to do. Not for it to be an accident or a whatever may happen; it's actually a pleasant wondering and supposing to add another person to our family. Because also of how fun it will be. Children are wonderful; and he absolutely agrees (he's an amazing natural caregiver and is the best with the girls-- I am quite fortunate to have found someone who has also fallen in love with the people that are my children and who is willing and ready to take on the parenting responsibilities associated with them).
So I've donated my body to the world that is all of human fertility. I am becoming this human biological chemistry experiment and now leave myself utterly and completely into the world of mysterious reproduction and hormones.
Hormones control us. Hormones make us what we are and control all of our physical (and mental) responses and reactions. Our bodies run on hormones. Hormones are also required to make babies and to oil the gear that makes the babies and keep everything running. Hormones suck.
Before I go on some tirade about the roller coaster of human experience that is the hormonal range of a twenty-something fertile female human; let me just say this. I don't want to become an Internet Crazie on this adventure. Sure, I may look things up and skim this or that; but I refuse to troll anything on the Internet; I refuse to worry myself about everything; I refuse to trust the opinions and advice of complete strangers who cannot reference a source and do not have nearly close to the same background in authoritative research as myself; I refuse to be an internet junkie about this stuff; I refuse to get sucked up into the world of it all and lose who I am; I refuse to over analyze every single thing that happens to my body or that I'm feeling or not feeling; I refuse to form an addiction to peeing on tests; I refuse to become overly serious about this adventure forward. I choose to enjoy it as an adventure and I must remember that this is a choice, a huge decision forward I am choosing to take.
It will happen. Who knows when (God, the Divine Supreme, Chance, Random chemistry reactions with good timing?), but it has before and I'm sure it will again. I cannot think that there is something wrong with me and lose all hope in everything, simply because I do not have patience to wait and see-- which is difficult--because I freaking love babies and I'm excited for the future opportunity for that beautiful loving and thriving time of life that I have ahead. I really love babies too. I'm so excited to have the chance at another child, I can't wait for when. I've wanted this for a long time, but the timing and the life staging weren't right. And finally it seems things have started to fall into place and it's just another rational logical step forward on this beautiful life path that I've been praying and wishing and writing about and perhaps I've also been manifesting it. It's happening and I'm in the wave of moving forward towards all of the most wonderful things to come ahead in my life. Who am I going to become? Does it matter significantly much the intricate details of who I am now in this moment moving forward- when tomorrow is in the distance and happiness is looming on the horizon. I'm already basking in it's rays of golden luminescence and wonderfulness. Life is getting better.
Hoorayyyyyyy!!!!!!!
I will reflect at some point on the building blocks it took me to get to this point; but I'm here in the now and this is my life at this point. I'm planning my big wedding and all the details; We want to buy a house; We want to have a child; The stresses and pressures and constant responsibilities and that need to work so hard are melting away to reveal this new life ahead of me-- one where I have someone with me to help shoulder the responsibilities in so many ways. I can finally breathe. Hand someone else the wheel to steer while I step down and take a well deserved break. I'll still help to navigate-- but I trust his steady hands and diligence and willingness to move ahead.
So all that's that.
And it's late and I want to lay down and meditate with my crystals for a little bit (cause that's the best way to do it if {when} I ever get the time-- and it's been a long day.
But one thing I want to reiterate here-- if only to myself really so it's somewhere in a documented way-- don't test early. The earlier you find out, the longer you will have to wait. Mystery is the flavor of life- bask in it as much as you can when you can. Early pregnancy loss is an exceptionally common thing. What will be will be. It's not your fault or anything you did or any weird energy you exposed yourself to- if it will stick it will stick.
It's only just a human biological chemistry laboratory experiment.
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