Minas Tirith = Me

So, someone very close to me just found out she's unexpectedly expecting. It's very very early.

 

I'm still processing this.

Already past the whole, why her and not me deal. I think she did this intentionally in a way, because I told her about my adventures in earnest, and god forbid the attention ever be anywhere else but on her. But it's not about me. I have to detach any sort of emotional connection to this event because it is totally unrelated to my world and my adventures.

But I don't know. I know it will be okay and will all work out. Because I will support her and stand by her and help her in all the ways that I can and will advocate as strongly as I can for her not to become a white trash parent. I think she has the capacity to be a really good mom and this might give her the oomph she needs to really get her own shit together and be responsible. I mean, it isn't the end of the world. Babies happen all of the time. I highly doubt she was thinking of me when she was having unprotected sex with her new lovey boyfriend. I don't know how things are going to pan out, but I'll tell you what, I was in a way worse situation and I prevailed and look at me now.

At least she has her own place, what sounds like a somewhat supportive boyfriend (who thankfully has no other children), a means of income and all of her needs are supported; and no need to work or to do anything else (the only responsibility she has is to take care of herself. She doesn't need to work. She doesn't need to go to school [although she's going to because I got her enrolled for some simple college classes]. She's basically got it made.

Whether the pregnancy will pan out or not is whatever will happen. She has personally been on an uphill improvement over the past eight months. No major issues or hiccups since then. Every time I see her she looks better and better and better and honestly her mental and emotional state seem the most stable it has ever been- I feel due to the combination of my supportive and assistive efforts and her own person . There's a big part of me that knows how good this will be for her and I really think that she will rise to the occasion to do what she needs to do to be a good mom. A baby gives her incentive for life and for getting her shit together, you know.

So I will be the best person I can be and support her in every way and only ever be 100% honest with her. I told her a little bit of some stark reality and that she better consider the gravity of the situation very seriously. But I also told her I would support any decision she made, ever, 100%, because I love her and I will always be there to have her back. And I will. I've got lots of experience helping lots of other women in similar situations, the big difference here is I have much more personal influence and sway. I've always been her big sister and biggest role model. I know she looks up to me and values my judgment and opinions. And I know no matter what, I will love any child that comes into my family unconditionally. This might be a really good thing. I think it has a lot of possibility to be a really good thing.

But there's still this personal side of me. That is very sad.

And I know that good things take longer to cook and bake, and the baby I'm praying and wishing for myself might take awhile for the Universe to create into existence. Perfection doesn't happen overnight. Spiritual and intellectual superiority over the masses take a minute to get into one tiny little human package. It will be worth the wait and any and all frustrations that will come across my path.

But why is the path of righteousness so toiling and taxing? Why do I hate myself, my ego, for just being and feeling and thinking all of these natural reactions. Why can't I just be happy or thoughtful or concerned for her? Why do my thoughts always have to circulate back to me? Why do they fuel these unnecessary worries? Why am I so scared of things so much anymore? I wasn't before. I have much more to lose now I suppose.

I've got this whole internal battle going on and I'm trying (going to) focus on my happiness that is in the now. I can't focus on how I feel inadequate as a professional or that I'm lazy or unproductive or that my entire educational and professional career has been a waste. How I'm too shoddy to get accepted into law school. I can't focus on how bad I feel that I got HIMto jump onboard and then I became what I feel like is dead weight on my own ship. I know that's not true, but his career is super crazily taking off and he's a wanted musical man teacher for all sorts of stuff (maybe my blessings of abundance have impacted his life) and it is good stuff for us and our life and really good for him to have all these opportunities to grow and advance what he's worked really really hard to achieve for a really long time.

In the meantime, I have the now to bask in. I have a giant wedding i can focus on. Or I can be like a million gajillion times the best mom I can be to the two children I have. I can clean and organize everything in preparation for our sooner-than-later moving. I can write.

I've been thinking of finding a full time job or some sort of other gig, but I know I need to write. And life is lining up for me to have the ability and the space and the time to do these things. It is good. Life is really good. Life is getting better. I'm getting everything I wanted, everything I always asked and prayed for.

But I still can't help but cry. Because it isn't me. And when will Michelle ever get what she wants without having a hard time getting there or having to struggle or fight to earn it, to get it? When will I just get some goodness handed to me on a plate. I get these fleeting moments, a positive test on my birthday, for example, that just don't last. It's a small sip of the happiness that is to come? It's a small sign to show that things work? I don't know. I hate that I have these comparative thoughts. This isn't the first time my Ego has showed up to bask in misery over something that has nothing to do with me. It is good. It will all be okay. I need to let it go and realize that I will continue on independently. 

 I know that Universal perfection takes a minute to order and arrive and be delivered.

I can wait.I will wait. However much I struggle with my feelings of impatience, the Universe has an idea and will make room for a way. I hope. I pray.

It's all about perception and what you allow yourself to truly engage within and feel

That's all. I'm just readjusting to new life information and trying to integrate it as quickly and as smoothly as possible so I can go on standing up strong and supportive like I do

I am a lone standing ivory tower

I am the Tower of Minas Tirith; and I have an invincible light shining from within.