So the point of that whole blog before wasn't just to be mopey and waa waa waa or anything

I missed the whole point

that is what happens when you start writing and then physically get up and then come back

there's a disconnect

the best ideas come in spurs of seconds

they last in moments, paragraphs, sections, books, hours

you see the videos play through in your head

you know what it is

where they are

how far into the future you have to go to achieve that scenario

that it isn't a definite

but a strong possibility

what do you need to do to get there?

So yesterday I had an appointment to meet with a new counselor for M1. In the past, she has has women come to our home, there seem to be something about nice blond women because almost every single counselor that she has ever had has been a nice blonde woman. We haven't had any service since her last woman left at the beginning of the summer. Mostly these women come to our house and hang out with her for an hour once or twice a month. It has been somewhat helpful for her in a way that has but has not. It's a nice blonde woman who comes over to the house to sit and talk to her about feelings and make crafts. Like a cool friend I guess, so that's helpful. Anyhow, she's doing great in school, really terrifically in all areas really. She has a bit of an attitude sometimes, but that is what happens when you are a beautiful opinionated but kind and compassionate albeit directive and a definite leader and creative thinking seven year old girl who loves to read and write and draw pictures and play Minecraft and Pokemon and play with her sister and best friend. Of course she is stubborn and opinionated and a little bit loud. I'm sure she might always be sloppy and eat like an uncivilized beast, but she is very nature like and I feel perhaps a gift from the fairies in a way. She has a beautiful singing voice and natural talent and tune and a good memory for sound.

Anyhow, I scheduled this appointment to go in-office and we got there a few minutes late- as per usual- but it was just very institutionalized feeling, there was no receptionist, we waited for over 30 minutes before anyone got there or even started to walk in. I called the woman we were scheduled to see but she didn't answer. I still have not received a message in regards to the missed appointment. It just didn't feel right. I didn't like it. So after a bit, we left. I don't think I'm going to schedule any more appointments just right now with anyone. It's just not working out and they only want to put you on a waiting list because there's a demand for services. It just doesn't feel right. The teachers said the girls are doing great. Everything is stable. Things are good. Just keep things good and things will be great. The girls are thriving. What kind of life can I give to them? What can I teach them? They don't need counseling. Not right now. They have pretty much forgotten about what happened. I haven't. My dreams won't let me. I have this moment in the now to savor. I'm going to savor it sweetly.

I am going to live my life completely.

Lovely.

Truely.

With him.
With them.
With me.