Anti Momentum

Last night I Had this very real feeling dream and the summation of the dream was that Mallory was being taken away and other people had custody of her and they and their property were being carefully evaluated as a safe place for her to be and I was furious 1. that someone else though that they could just take the rights of my child away and 2. that they would evaluate any other living situation for my child aside from my own.

Now obviously, I've been down the road before of losing custody of my children, however temporarily, and I can still say with absolute assurity that it is definitely something I would never want to experience ever again and I would not wish such an experience on anyone. My heart breaks for all of those who are dealing with unjust cases, as mine was incredibly unjust. I have a heart of hope for all the children though who are being sent to better more loving environments. I once harbored much hope in my heart to foster or adopt, but what happened and the "invisible" stains left on my permanent record will ensure that. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have a good chance even adopting a child of a family member if needed in an emergency situation, but then again, who knows right?

Last night's dream shook me up. It was not a trip down memory lane but it also wasn't and isn't something that I keep on my conscious brain to think about. In fact, lately it has been quite the opposite. It's been a good opposite.

At the beginning of the school year, there was a lot going on. Now mind you, the now-husband, then-fiance was gone most of the summer, and didn't really get back until about a week before school started, and maybe I had a lot of a bit of an emotional breakdown while he was gone, possibly related to his being gone and also other emotional stresses and toils that built up whilst I was singlehandedly making everything for my wedding. Also, I dealt with an incredible amount of personal stuff over the span of last fall to this spring, stuff that has maybe been mentioned or maybe not, but still, last year was pretty rough on me, and I needed time to properly deal with it.

So....suffice it to say, this past summer, albeit productive, was essentially a bust. I don't feel like I did much with the girls that wasn't the regular fun summer stuff, I was very busy and possibly just a bit overwhelmed organizing and planning the wedding spectacular. I might have been totally stressed out with crazy high anxiety. It was really hard to have him here and have things start to get better and to have this help and then all of a sudden he was gone for seven weeks. And I knew it was coming. I know it is coming for next summer, I know I have time to prepare myself, I had time to prepare myself then.....

So needless to say, with M2 starting Kindergarten and M1's regular anxiety issues, the beginning of the school year was a bit stressful. There was a lot of adjustments and changes going on and the wedding date just loomed nearer and nearer (therefor destroying any sense I had of "normal" nerves). In fact, honestly, I'm glad we even survived that final month and a half with all of the regular pre-wedding stuff and then all of the added drama that wasn't necessary but happened.

But despite all of that, despite my workings since the beginning of the school year to really step up my game and give my children the best, most stable home environment, it isn't what I'm doing that is making the biggest difference it seems.

The biggest difference is having a dad. Having access to a positive male role model father figure who is kind and loving and caring and attentive.

That is what has made the biggest remarkable differences in my children's lives.

That is why they are thriving the way that they are, excelling in their personal lives and with their social relationships. Their attitudes about school have improved. Their self confidence in themselves. Their senses of security. They live a balanced lifestyle with a balanced schedule (which is something I've struggled to provide and maintain for years on my own). Within less than a month, they have both blossomed.

I see these things in my regular every day interactions with them. They are growing, they seem happier, they love their new step father very much and they still enjoy regular time with their actual father, and he has been great about everything as well. Everyone is on board. But it wasn't until last week at the parent-teacher conferences that it was truly highlighted from the mouth's of those who spend a lot of time with my children and who are very perceptive to the attitudes and ways my children work. Both of their teachers and the guidance counselor had nothing but fantastic things to say. Reportedly, M1's anxiety behaviors have totally and completely disappeared. M2 isn't having anxiety attacks when I drop her off to school and she isn't coming home every single day telling me how it was the worst day ever.


I am glad that my children are finally thriving, but I must acknowledge that they weren't thriving under my individual care, not in the same way they are thriving now. Maybe it is a bit of a defeatist attitude, like my hard work and perseverance hasn't made any difference. But really it has.

Someone had to muck through life to find them a father who would love them and care for them irregardless of biological status. And lucky me, he loves me too.

So I guess I wanted to record all of that, how well the girls are doing and how it is directly related to him and the new life we are carving out for ourselves. I couldn't be doing any of this without him. They wouldn't be doing so well without him. These things are good. He is here to stay.

Does that make me any less of a basket case? Yes and no.

I struggle with everything sometimes I feel. I struggle with the dreams that I see at night, at the lingering effects of whatever I was doing. I'm struggling with my body and feeling like I am broken or there is something inherently wrong with me.

I scheduled my appointment with the infertility specialist after getting basically an immediate referral from my new crotch dr after I went through my history over the past year. The appointment isn't for another few months because that's how these things work. It was even a pain in the ass scheduling the appointment because the receptionist was very nosey and wanted to remind me that my insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments. Yes, thank you, I'm aware, this appointment isn't for infertility treatment, this appointment is to hopefully figure out what is going haywire that all of these hungry personable eggs won't stick around for long and why they keep dying off. Advanced bloodwork, because the first round didn't show off any particular weirdness regarding my bodily chemicals or hormones. It's been a few weeks and I can still feel the bruise in my vein where they sucked out multiple vials to screen me for PCOS.

I've done a gajillion hours of research on the subject, and it isn't something that you can really self diagnose. You can try, you can suspect, you can take actions to try to prevent issues with this or that, but ultimately, at the end of the day, it's all up to God. God decides and it is the spirit and the willingness of life. Is that truly consolation for this frustration and heartbreak? Yes and no. I can't say it is out of my hands, because I am still in control of this biological experiment. I control what goes in and what available nutrients my body has access to. I control the amount of stress I endure. I can't control my emotions or my hormones, but I can choose how to appropriately reflect and deal with them.

I'm really scared too.

So how can this be remedied or fixed? I don't know. Starting really not to care in a way. We are on vitamin power horses and I won't list the amounts or how many, but vitamin supplements are the rage around here and have been for the past few months anyhow, and that's all I can do. This month's round is a bit different than anything from the past. Last month I did something enough that I got a bit of implantation spotting. Ultimately, it didn't stick and fizzled out, but is there room for promise? Could this all be related to my body and it being a hospital environment for a fragile wanna-be-being?

I don't know.

I don't know anything.

I do know that I am feeling this anti-momentum towards a lot of things in my life right now. Towards buying a house; towards having a baby; towards moving; towards my college education; towards pretty much almost everything. I am not going to run forward towards these goals with only the momentum of my self going forward and I don't feel an equal or greater amount of enthusiasm for any of these things on the behalf of anyone else. Yes, there are more than a few people out there praying for my son to come. I appreciate that momentum, because perhaps he needs a strong spiritual calling to come here because he is not going to be just your average human.

This anti momentum makes me feel like I want to just crash into a wall in the opposite direction. A violent reversal of going towards the dream, it's the equivalent of ripping down all of the party decorations and canceling the party and deactivating your facebook, when you find out one person can't attend. It's drastic and dramatic and almost kind of how I feel about a lot of things.

Will this pass? I hope so. I know so.

What do I really want to march forward and do?

Spiritual things. Spiritual writing. Spiritual me.