If you are good and wait for goodness, goodness will come

My husband is amazing.

He continually astounds me with his sheer perfection at times.

Not all the time, come on now, let's get real

But when the time is correct, he always comes through.

Today we got what I feel is an inappropriate and almost even kind of tacky Christmas card from a new family member.

Now, I know they have been infertile for years and years and years. And in fact, their son just started college. And she's been posting some leading stuff on the social media in the past few months in how she's been praying for a miracle. Stuff that gets the internet wondering, what's going on? in fact, I even reached out and wrote to her and directly asked what was going on and if everything was okay and she politely told me that everything was fine. I directly asked if they were pregnant, and I was given the brush off. Whatever, it's not like I really care, you know, but don't tease the world and post things online that make people wonder and don't brush them off when they reach out with care. Kind of rude, but whatever.

and I've written about my stuff in the past. You know how sour I get all talking about the babies and stuff. But I love babies, so it's like Chinese chicken really, all sweet and sour and hope less and whatever.

But I did not expect their Christmas card to arrive in the mail and I did not expect that it would be opened and that they would have a family photo including their 'Little Miracle' that isn't due for another 6 months. And it is early December, so really another 7 months. Which means she's barely out of or still in her first trimester, of a high risk pregnancy, of which she's of advanced maternal age.

Why?

Why? Why would they do that? I get that they are excited. Yes, they should be. It is an exciting thing and they have been waiting for a very very long time for a child.

But in my opinion 1. it is too early to be publicly announcing such a thing and 2. that a christmas greeting is an inappropriate forum in which to share such news

They can do whatever they want, I mean, I'm not Miss Manners or anything, but for real, it's weird and I will politely congratulate them and of course I am excited for them. But I think it's risky and inappropriate for both a card and for such an early announcement. I hate to be the person that speaks up but didn't someone mention to her the serious risks involved with pregnancy and that sometimes there is a very real chance that things don't work out? Lots of things go wrong before 20 weeks and after that point, lots of things can go wrong after. And then you have to survive the delivery. I know plenty of people who have miscarried and plenty of people who have preemies and have gone through too-early labor and I know plenty of people with children with disabilities or development issues and I know a few people who have had stillbirths.

It is a fragile thing, and trust me, I'm not the type to publicly announce (except here, and sure this is public but not in the same way that Facebook is) anything of a serious nature until I'm absolutely sure of it. I've talked about this with the husband as well and I don't think I would outright mention it to anyone for quite some time. Maybe casually in conversation with the baby in my arm. Or maybe after it is totally apparent and in my stomach, and maybe they have to see me face to face to even notice.

I said the other day, if I ever get pregnant I will post pictures of my Baby Butt, because that will grow faster than any Baby belly, and I think it is weird when people just post pictures of their stomachs  without their faces or the rest of their body.

but for real Universe. Is this what I get? I pray and wish and hope and nothing I receive, and I have lost hope.

and in the meantime I have watched
My cousin's wife
My sister
Multiple friends
Multiple students
and even my other cousin, who just had a baby

all get pregnant in the time I have lost all of those pregnancies. They share their news and I see the due dates online, vaguely recalling if I had any close calls myself on those dates. And the dates scroll by as another preggo pops out and yet I remain barren and fruitless

and yeah, people get pregnant all the time. Yeah it happens.

But opening that christmas card and reading their (too early) good news made me really really sad

and he knew
he told me he thought about putting the card somewhere as soon as he opened it

but he didn't. and we talked

and whatever, whatever, plenty of other people are going to have babies and life will flourish and grow

but we are waiting for someone very spectacular to find us and stick around
and I wouldn't want to be any of those babies I mentioned before
I don't envy them for the parents they are born to, or how they will grow up and what they will be taught

some on that list will definitely have better lives and love than some

and whatever, like he said, we are waiting for a mighty powerful future ruler to come, a master of great things

not just an average kid

and I think my husband has a wishlist for this future child, a very large wishlist of attributes that he is quite specific on

and maybe it's taking the Universe a minute to cook up this order and deliver. Maybe it is an impossible list.

How long is it worth waiting for perfection?

So until it comes, whenever it will come, all I can do is patiently live my life. Travel. Build. Create. Pursue my dreams. Pray to God.

But I will hold my breath no longer. I will breathe, to let life in and to flow through.
I will take all the vitamins and supplements I want to regulate my body not because wouldn't it be great to have a baby (all I hear from all these pregnant people is how uncomfortable they are all of the time)  but it feels nice to feel good in a lot of ways.

I'm nourishing myself for myself, because also, check it out, look at how nice my skin looks! This is what it feels like to have a semi balanced hormone system, or atleast be on my way to getting there.

If you are good and wait for goodness to come, it will come.