Happy 27th Birthday

Today is my birthday.

Happy birthday to me.

I'm 27

So far it's meh

I did get the playhouse this morning which I will be turning into my chicken coop- so that is a point of excitement! Yay me! Thank you Craigslist and my iniative and follow through and money.

I always say I get myself the best presents.

I don't know what else I might get. I got monetary contribution towards completion of my laundry facilities a while ago.

You know what else happened today? The completion of my laundry facilities.

Yes indeed. I can hear my laundry rumbling in the laundry/bathroom that is being built within my abode (holy smokes these things aren't cheap!).

Everyone always wishes you wells towards a 'happy' day.

What does that even mean precisely?

Today I do not feel happy

Today I am in an incredible amount of pain.

I will only write it here, because what else are you supposed to tell people? I've been around people consistently throughout my entire life who just never felt good, I really didn't want to become one of those people myself.

And when I feel fine I feel fine. I'm still one of the most thoughtful and productive people I know. But I can't sustain any part of anything it seems on my own right now.

I was sick the past for who knows how long with headaches and dizziness and that really didn't go away and then something else kicked in and then more stuff started acting up.

It's like the week and a half I have off of work and this is the only opportunity my body is going to take to completely give out on me.

It's frightening and terrible scary.

And I don't want to make a fuss and I don't want to draw attention and frankly I don't think that there is much that anyone else could do for me, but I am somehow not entirely able to take care of myself. My husband is a good man and does his best, but I can feel his agitation and resentment. I always feel guilty. How dare I rip him away from his wonderful life as it was to help me take on all of my responsibilities and in turn, I will fail and give out because I'm burnt out and my body is failing me because I can't push myself any harder.

I passed out at a store yesterday. Like legitimately blacked out. I'm not the sort of drama queen who makes a big fuss or full out faints in the middle of the store, I made it through the checkout line at the very least and I knew enough to buy myself water and a soda so I could get sugar into my system, because dummy me was too wrapped up in productivity and hadn't eaten anything all day, and who would have thought walking around the store would be enough to do me in. But it did.

This is what they don't mention online sometimes about the chemical pregnancies. That the 'slightly more painful' really can sometimes mean actual labor for a baby your body can't develop. But the getting out process is all the same.

I wasn't expecting it, that's for shure.

And I sat on the floor in that store and drank my water and my orange pop (and omg I NEVER drink pop but it was all I saw that was sugary and available that I was willing to drink ) and took deep breathes and my vision came back right soon and I could feel my fingers tingle and all I had was my breath and thinking or moving or expending any extra energy wasn't an option. And eventually I made it enough to get myself and the cart outside into the fresh air (you see also I had successfully shopped for a kitchen fan and other things that are required for house projects) and found a stoop to sit on and kept the cart next to me with my finger curled into the orange wire squares of the shopping cart and just breathed and breathed and breathed in and out in and out

hoping for my strength and senses to fully return to me

and I had known in the store when the decline began. I got very thirsty in the powertools section and began to feel disoriented and headed for the checkout with my full cart about then, a little peeved for not keeping to task and finding nails for my nail gun (as we had bought the wrong size last time) and I stopped in the lawn furniture section to sit for a long while and I headed for the checkout shortly after that and I was good in line to get my things tidily on the counter and I started to lose myself in the sparkly bangles and nametag of the checkout girl ringing out my $175 purchase, and I was able to mumble to her while paying, "Sorry, I'm feeling faint"

and as the blacking out part happened I had enough sense to move my cart to the side behind the checkout just enough to look like I was resting and waiting for someone.

No one paid me any mind.

But outside, outside was a different story.

In the moments I had I heard a familiar happy trill from my cell phone, thank goodness I kept the ringer on, and it happened to be Beautiful Mann texting inquiring about my lunch plans letting me know he was on his way home right now and I called him immediately and left him a message and he called me back and I told him to come and pick me up please, and he said he would. And he did.

But in the moments of waiting I was approached, by a kindly old man worker, and a passer by or two, and then a store employee who was a woman.

And I told them I had low blood sugar and I had felt faint after shopping, No, I didn't need an ambulance, so they took me as a diabetic and went off to find me a chair and something to drink. I managed to tell the woman that it was my monthly and it was just a terrible terrible amount of pain and I didn't mean to make a fuss.

"You wasn't pregnant, was you?!" she surmised and immediately asked me.

All I could do was breathe.

And they got me a chair and some orange juice and husband came and picked me up and I felt okay enough to get in the car and eat the gluten-filled Pringles they had given me, to garner some small amount of strength, and it was perfect timing because we were even able to pick the girls up from school! which I had been scared that because of my episode I would be late, and I don't want to be the mom who picks her kids up late, no matter what, it's embarassing and already happened a few times.

and he went back later on with the Plumber, after he had finished the work in the basement for the day, and picked up my car and brought it back home.

So it worked out.

But it was frustrating to me that I didn't even have enough strength to push my cart less than 500 feet to my car.

My body is internally overworked and failing me. The accupuncturist tells me that I'm burnt out and have very little life force within me. That I'm just tired and need to rest. To stop thinking. Not act emotionally.

I really haven't told her much of anything really. I tell her about my headaches and the day I woke up anxiousy and frenetic, the day I couldn't stop crying. I know why when it's happening I just can't control it and truly they are tears that need to be shed. But I don't have the energy to waste crying anymore.

She's wise and intuitive and I try to understand her lessons and the things she says.

This is what being strong has cost me.

and from all of this, I will only be even stronger.

I will be the strongest.

Not only have I felt, I've had the capacity to overcome, and I will lead others in a better way by being best

See all that I can be.

Year 27 will be a blast.