Marital Priorities and the Act of Growing Up

I'm not perfect.

If I said I was, that was hardly the truth.

I'm not.

But I know I'm more mature than some, and I've had more experiences in life than many, and I've educated and filled myself with relevant and useful knowledge regarding dysfunctional relationships and communication and I attempt this through practice quite often.

We do not have the perfect marriage, but we have something that's living and flourishing and thriving, because we acknowledge our growth and are actively working towards growing together. Together we cannot be the same as the people we ever were, because now there's more to each of us that we have to adjust to and accommodate for.

In the seven months we've been married we've rushed through some shit and into some shit and worked our way out of some shit. That's life. Shit is always a gurantee if you are consuming anything.

You cannot take a bite out of life without getting a little bit of shit somewhere.

That's the truth.

But it isn't all shit.

One of the most difficult aspects in any relationship; but that we have encountered though, is the formation and maintenance of the US, of WE, of who we are as we exist together in this legally binding relationship.

Lots of people maintain dysfunctional relationships and I would say that we strive to maintain something that's healthy. That isn't to say that there haven't been tremendous difficulties we've had to bound over, but there are healthier ways to communicate and confront distresses and to handle them and move forward into balance and happiness. We strive to maintain happiness, so we've chosen to grow in many ways.

Unfortunately for beautiful Mann, he's grown faster and away from the people who were his friends, and they lack the capability to healthily communicate and see him at this new level.

This distresses me to some point, because I know I was the catalyst and the core reactor that caused this deterioration. And it wasn't all of his friends, but just his closest and dearest. The people he thought cared about him the most.

And in the last year I have seen the deterioration of friendships and I have stood by and supported him throughout, and it pains me to see the disharmony that has stemmed, but I do not remain friends with people who are unhealthy in their ways and who wallow in a situation for far too long, and these people have caused enough disharmony to our relationship.

There's a point that has to be made where enough is enough.

And Beautiful Mann has reached that point, finally, on his own accord.

And the feeling that results is so freeing.

He communicated to a long-time college friend of his, who is part of his clique of previously close friends, that he was not going to be able to be in his wedding this summer, because we have another family wedding the same day, in town, with family I have been supportive of for years.

He and I discussed the pros and cons before we came to this decision. It wasn't a personal move against the groom or his bride-to-be (whom husband has never even met) and it stems from purely intrinsic reasoning.

But there were lots of other things at play, and this is a situation I feel that marks a big point in how far we have come.

We had a lot of drama during our engagement involving his personal clique of friends. There were close friends of his who refused to even speak to me from the start, and others who perpetuated useless drama and gossip and exemplified the inability of an adult to clearly communicate. They had parties and invited him but I was specifically left out. Then I was invited, after some fuss, but it was obvious I wasn't welcome or warmly greeted. Then they stopped inviting him to anything at all, a fact that hit home when we were out and about and ran into his group of friends 'hanging out' and no one had bothered to even contact him.

I had a difficult time during the engagement with his choice of his 'Best Man' and I felt it would most appropriately be his brother, he insisted on his best friend from high school and that was a disaster.

There wasn't any other person involved with our entire wedding process who caused more grief in our relationship than his 'Best Man' from the botched Bachelor Party situation to the endless fights and me having the be a bigger person, to him showing up for the dress rehearsal AN HOUR LATE and then me fighting with husband because I had already modified things and he MADE ME CHANGE IT BACK TO INCLUDE HIS FRIEND who in no way showed any support or excitement or enthusiasm, to the wedding pictures he graces with his presence where he REFUSED TO LOOK AT OR CLAP FOR us during the wedding ceremony, to his awful long unexpected speech at the wedding that more detailed his friendship with husband than anything related to our wedding or relationship.

There are other factors at play of course, his friend is gay and has had a long time crush on my husband man, and the relationship counselor finally pointed this connection out to my intelligent but still naive husband, only right before the wedding, so a lot of drama had already ensued.

After the wedding there hasn't really been any. His friends haven't been an issue since. They haven't pushed to see him or talk to him, didn't know that we bought a house or were looking, didn't really care to ask him how he was doing or how things are going.

They only seem to care when there is something to speculate on.

And so coming to the now; the wedding is in August and I told husband mann he had better let his friend know that he wasn't going to make it sooner than later and yes it is a difficult thing to tell your friend you can't be in their wedding, but it's going to be a bigger problem for them the closer the date gets. They still have months at this point and things can always work out. Remember all the issues we had with his friends because they can't communicate in any timely manner? Don't do the same disservice to his friend, just let him know and he should understand.

So he gave his friend the simple explanation, we have another wedding the same day.

And since then, the drama is rising for him from all directions. Everyone wants to know what's going on with the wedding. Before he even received a response from his friend, he received messages of inquiry from no less than 3 other people who had already heard about and been informed of the gossip.

We've discussed his approach, and these are his 'friends' who haven't made any interest to meet him in the life he's in now or at the place he is now. He went from being single and having free time to being a married man with a family. Yes there's free time, but life schedules work differently when you're in a family unit and not just free to come and go as you please. Everyone with a family understands this. A lot of people without a family understand this.

His friends do not seem to.

One friend even went as far to give her (un-asked for) two cents about what she would do in a similar situation when faced with the problem of two weddings on the same day, and she felt that it would be appropriate for me to attend the in-town family wedding by myself and my husband to attend the out-of-town friend wedding by hisself.

That's why she's not married, I think.

Thankfully my husband has grown to a point and never even suggested that as a plausible option, because at this point, although he has no dispute with his friend who is getting married, I don't think he much wants to go to the wedding either.

Why?

Well, his 'Best Man' is also the 'Best Man' for this wedding as well, and that carries with it a large amount of political friend bullshit drama, because 'Best Man' is excited and making effort for this wedding, when he made none at all for ours. And that sucks to see, because it caused A LOT of drama and issues with us in our relationship and A LOT of deep seated emotional pain that hasn't completely healed.


Husband has also NEVER even met the bride and isn't closely involved with either bride or groom, and hasn't hung out with him or talked on a close friend basis in about a year even. 

Also, his friends won't be welcoming or warm towards me at all, and I won't know anyone.

And it costs money to travel out of town and to pay for somewhere to stay, and we have family and house obligations to work out that are more hassle (but we would have gone if another wedding weren't on the exact same day).

There's just too many cons and the pros weigh towards the other option, my cousin, whose wife has been planning fastidiously and I have talked and pored over wedding plans with her, husband has met them both several times, and they are older and this wedding is very long awaited. Also it is a family wedding, and I'm not going to an adult-only family wedding WITHOUT my husband, cause he's the best and closest family I've got. I'm quite looking forward to it.

It disappoints me though, because in his letter to his friend he expressed our well wishes and that we would at least like the address to send a gift.

We were denied an address and told that the bride-to-be (who has never met husband) was so upset she was likely to just send the gift back.


I think that's petty and immature. I think all of it has been fueled and driven by petty immature people who don't have any understanding of the obligations of marriage or the priorities of putting your spouse first, and it upsets me that they gossip and pass judgement when they know absolutely nothing about our life at all and they speculate on nothing.

He hasn't even addressed the issues head on, it's like a bag of congealing blood.

I dare one of them to come around poking at anything, cause they'll be the first to be drenched.

And in the meantime, we have to just let it go.

We can make new friends, who understand the obligations and responsibilities of marriage, who get it.

I've forced him through this process of growing up and it leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth that I could have done without. I want him to be happy and to have friendships and to be around people that care about him, but I don't think his previous clique was full of that.

I just hope that as we grow together, our married selves can continue this strength of getting through hurdles and difficulties.

And this was just one of them.

Away difficulties, we have peace and love to spread

send us loving kind accepting friends