rant

This is pure rant. I had another post earlier this week that was just saved to draft basically complaining about my work situation. I have a solution to that which involves not working as much in the months to come. I'll figure it out.

But today, today I want to just air this out to the world, because I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being treated like a second-rate friend. Because I'm not and I deserve to be treated better and more fairly.

I have a good close friend and we've been friends for years. We met in college and connected. I care about him very much and very truly. I have and will always be there for him, if not in person, than in other ways, like through email or text or the internet. He has always been a strong supporter to me and truly been almost like a rock to cling to at times when I felt I was lost at sea.

And over the years things have shifted, situations have changed.

We never dated, the timing was never so for such things, but I love him enough to be his friend for life. To care about him, regardless of what he's doing or now that he has a wife.

And I send her goodness too, from a distance.

Because I'm not welcome as a friend in their coupled existence.

My husband and I, as a coupled package, are not welcomed as friends. Not because there is anything wrong with us, but because I am ultimately rejected.

This has been happening for years, and initially I understood, but things have shifted again and again, and still it remains the same.

Ever offer I make, every suggestion, every single opportunity, I am rejected.

He doesn't want to be friends with me in real life, but I'm a convenient fall back when he's not feeling good or he needs the emotional or spiritual support I have always been there to provide him with.

I have tried to end this, I have tried to shut him out, I have tried to disassemble this friendship.

To no avail, because I think in some larger bigger way we are soul family and meant to be there to help each other.

When things are going good, I don't hear much, and that's okay. But I only get the friend I once had when things start to fall apart.

Life has him shifting into a Universe that is more similar to my own, and our paths are similar at this point.

But there's no room for me to be a friend, to be involved, to ever dare be invited to anything.

I've supported and encouraged for years regarding his current adventures, and when they happen, I'm left strewn about and thrown to the side. I ASK for invitation and am still denied.

Our friendship exists on the physical level of random by-chance run-ins.

His wife has no idea who I am other than the brief bout she encountered through a social circle of people who also didn't know me. A social circle I followed and fell into as a result of being friends with her husband. I followed him into it, was never accepted because no one exactly knew who I was or how I ended up there, because he never spoke up or claimed me as a friend, as a trusted person who was rich in character and worthwhile the time.

Because I'm not, not to him. Despite what he may say, or the many many messages that have been exchanged, there's always some sort of an excuse.

And it is hurtful. It is very hurtful to care about someone, even from a distance, and to try to share how much you care and to have to do it annonymously 1., and 2. to only always ever be rejected.

I know I'm married and my husband is my best friend and my everything, but I didn't want to hide someone who was so helpful and supportive to me emotionally for so long from him. I didn't dive into all of the intricate details that 7 years of friendship can delve into, but as it is now is barely intact.

This is a man who I trust, who shares a striking amount of similarities with the man I married, who I think so highly of.

And no matter what I do, or say, or how upset I get or if I plead.

I will never be part of his life in the now, I will never get the opportunity to be welcomed and accepted as a long-standing family friend, and I will never get the opportunity to bask in their child.

Offers for playdates with his fucking dog have been turned down.
Hangouts with another married couple, NOPE.
Didn't get an invite for the baby shower,
or their wedding, at the time I had to sleep with his friend to get a tag-along invite so I could go and be supportive, because it meant a lot to me and to him, but not enough for him to ever stand up to it

it was nice seeing other college friends there who did get legitimate invites, who are legitimately welcomed into their married life

but not me

never me

He will post and share all the pictures of all the things they do with all of their other married couple friends

and even though me and mine, we exist in a similar way with many similar things,

we will never be welcomed or accepted into their fray of things

and it makes me feel really awful and sad and shitty and dejected and sad

because that's how much I care about him and his friendship, that it pains me and I keep trying and trying

for what?

Why bother anymore?

Who would want to hang out with us anyhow?

Am I faulted for growing up, for having transitioned into a better being?

I'm not going to subject myself to it anymore.

He can swim in this world without me as a light or a guide or anything. Me, who loves unconditionally, and forgives.

I don't care if he sinks or drowns.

I'm tired of being hurt by him. And it hurts.

But I'll get over it.

He didn't really want to be my friend anyway.

That is apparent to me now. And I don't want to leave myself subjected to the regular dejection.

and I think they are giving their baby the worst name, it's trendy and stupid and a better name for a cat or a dog, like the movie they probably ripped it out of, or I'm sorry, the popular children's novel they just 'happened' to read

Your dog has a better name than your kid will

and on that note, I've decided, I don't want to be friends with them anyways.