It has been awhile since I have had even a moment to think
to myself, let alone write, let alone touch a computer to type the thoughts I
have available to think.
But alas, it is very early, and close enough to wake-up time
that I have snuck away from my bed, as I’m definitely awake, and I will let my
beloved husband deal with the next round of irritated woken up immediate
in-you-ear screeches.
I woke up this morning with a lot of resentments on my mind.
Resentments mostly at people who have such large nets of friend and family
support that they are subsequently coddled by everyone and they never learn how
to accomplish or overcome any struggle they face, ever, alone. The type of
people who run around acting like life is a popularity contest and they must
make all the friends.
I’ve been working very diligently to change some of my
thought patterns that are no longer working for me. I am faced with a lot of
difficulties, constantly, basically my whole life, and as much as I should be
allowed to be whatever I want to be truly, I have only the ability to be calm and
loving into the future, as no other method or way of being will truly sustain
me. Wake up each day and immediately let my heart fill with gratitude and joy
at being, despite the fact that I’m chronically underrested, or in pain, or
whatever waking up conditions I have to endure.
I knew there would be sacrifices made again, but like
everything with my son, he is a lovely extremist. On the spectrum of calm to
intense he is pushing the gauge, and rightly so, because oh boy is he super
smart (vitamins for the win!) and oh boy is he growing fast (he’s the size of
most 2-3 year olds we meet) and oh boy all the teeth (still 8 but more soon
enough) so he’s completely worth every ounce of love and energy put his way, my
investment is a well made but obvious choice, and I am happy for to do so,
because I love him, and I wished for him, and I prayed for him, and he is here,
my son-shine, the light of my life, and he completes our family truly.
I truly cannot complain for I am truly blessed. My daughters
are growing into such nice young ladies.
I also woke up with the vision of a lost mug on my mind. I
will find it.
And the last dilemma that I wish for clarification on is not
clarifying for me, so I will write it out here in the best way I know:
When I went through my legal ordeal with the childrens, one
of my biggest complaints was that all of the “professionals” that were part of
and running the show, the caseworkers, the psychologists, the attorneys; had 0
experience, education, or training to work with children. Sure they had their
field-specific training, but there is no mode of education that spans all of
the fields and there is no benchmark for knowledge about children and families.
It is a serious issue, because these professionals are put in the place to “help”
families, but without an intimate working knowledge of family structures or the
variances that are within, and also most of these individuals don’t have any
children themselves…. They don’t know what sacrifice truly is, they don’t
understand what it is to be a parent, or any of the challenges and struggles
that come of that are. They also don’t understand the inherent rewards. In my
opinion there is a whole world of knowledge they are missing. I don’t think
such uninformed people should have the right to make any decisions about
children or family given that they have zero background in that field and all
the experience with the legal system, which isn’t really there to help any family
or child that gets entrapped (and ok, yes, there are those rare instances, but
let them be rare).
My immature sister in law has full intentions now of being a
prosecutor. Of what you say? Oh, in juvenile court, she wants to prosecute
cases of sex abuse and neglect. Why? Because she had an externship in a
different county for a month and it seemed like an area of interest? Why? IDK
Ring a bell though? A big ding dong of WHAT THE F#%$
I wouldn’t even trust this woman to babysit my child for a
second. Any of my children, even the toilet trained ones who aren’t afraid of
her. She is the living epitome of everything I feared about that system and she
is exactly the kind of person I would hate to have to face if I were back in
that situation.
It leaves me with a great unease, that she is so completely
oblivious to how things work here, in our county, and that she doesn’t seem to
think it an issue that any involved professional has no experience or education
on child development or family structures.
But she wants to go after those bad parents and take away
all of their rights! Save the children!
Fuck. What. Do. I. Do?
Do I reveal to her all I know, all I learned through the
worst situation I ever encountered? Do I expose my vulnerabilities? I have been
at the nonconventional end of the spectrum this go-around, with heavy critique,
and all have surveyed and concluded that I’m like the best mom ever. This was
also the conclusion last time, when I went through that whole thing, no one
ever said I was a bad mom, I did everything a good mom was supposed to do, I
was very conventional and didn’t rock the boat with my methods, and they worked
(look how happy my children are). That didn’t stop them from going after me, it
didn’t matter how much research or what the professionals said, it didn’t
matter when they (the caseworkers) were ready to toss my whole case once they
realized the big mistakes…. The court and the prosecutor still went after me. A
single, childless attorney with no experience of her own, reviewed everything
on my plate and STILL chose to get me. I have a record, it is searchable, I
printed out the results from the database and keep them in my files. I was
found guilty of neglect and dependency….for not taking my 1.5 year old to a
psychologist for what her pediatrician said were normal behaviors, and for not
being able to protect my internally growing fetus from seeing the behaviors in
action….
The conclusion still does not make sense. It will never make
sense. The whole story is just sad and confusing and I still have the stacks of
research and all of the documentation of everything. It doesn’t have to make
sense though, because it was, it was real, it happened. But how to explain the
whole ordeal to people who didn’t know me and who wouldn’t understand?
I don’t want to say a word to her. I don’t trust her. She’s
too immature for the power she seeks and she fits the right model to easily
receive it. She won’t wield it well either. Quite frankly I don’t want any
association with any part of that system not even one little bit. I had no
issue when she was more interested in realty law. But I don’t want anything to
do with that system or especially someone who is in a place of power and making
decisions that they have no real right to. She can’t sustain any healthy
relationship enough to even create her own family, and she’s not overly
involved with anyone else’s, so how is she the authority of if parents have
tried hard enough if she’s even resentful of the one thing she does take care
of which is her dog? Give her a baby to take care of for a week and then see
what her opinions on the ease of meeting parental expectations are. But not my
baby, he isn’t anyone’s guinea pig, and he’s the only available child she has,
besides her “friends” kids…. And the way I’ve heard her talk about her friend’s
kids also doesn’t leave me with confidence that mine won’t also be so
critically dissected behind their backs. I don’t doubt she’s critically
dissected all of my practices and methods since the get go. But I’m smart
enough to know that she doesn’t know anything.
But again, also why her reach to this awful position is
shocking and very upsetting to me.
I have prayed for many things, including maturation on her
behalf and possible redirection. I do not feel comfortable sharing my sad story
with her, for her to then judge me, and although we are cordial, I do not
consider her my friend. I see in her an incredibly immature individual, one who
is in the body of a young thirty year old woman, but who is still mentally and emotionally
in her teenage years. Granted, she’s more mature than another sister of mine,
and granted she has been heavily coddled enough that she hasn’t fallen through
the cracks enough to have to learn from her own mistakes, so I see in her a
stagnant soul, one who hasn’t truly evolved in the way that she rightly should,
and one who has internal fears and lacking in confidences to lovingly move
forward.
Something I have noticed as I have grown older and more
experienced and wiser is this, Velma effect, the Hermione challenge, if you
will. Where everyone is resentful and no one really likes the woman who has the
information, the one who has the wisdom and the research behind what they say.
Velma is and always only is Velma, never the popular beauty of Daphne, and the
world respects the knowledge Velma contains, but everyone loves Daphne. I get
this vibe, a very strong one, when I converse with other women, and for those
who don’t know me I receive kindness, an open heart, respect for my wisdom of
education and experience. I know a lot. I’ve done a lot. I’ve seen a lot. I’ve
prayed a lot. I’ve helped a lot. I’ve overcome a lot, on my own. I am a strong
and mighty woman and I only continue to evolve and grow. Many people see this.
But people I have known for a long while, people who have
seen my evolution in process, mostly women, give me this vibe…. Not quite of
resentment, but I know no matter what friendly advice I leave on whatever post
is made, I will not receive a “like” or a “reply”, everything I say is
dismissed. Yes, dismissive. I only offer out advice from the kindness of my
heart and for the goodness of all involved, I do not flock about inserting my
advice and opinions where they don’t belong….. but even so I am not looked at
as a wisdom-holder, I am looked at with contempt, because I have the correct
answer first, because I raised my hand too fast, too eagerly, too something or
another. I feel it, I know it is there, I know also it is something that makes
it difficult to keep adult friends. Not ALL adult friends, just those who want
to compete. This isn’t a competition. I am not infinitely correct.
My husband complains that I never admit I’m wrong. I don’t.
But when I see that my methods aren’t working or that I’m incorrect, I don’t
continue forward with my original plans, I review, I accommodate, I adapt. I’m
ever evolving and all the things that don’t work well or don’t serve my
children well I have let go, I am trying, I am always trying, I will always try
to be better and do better. I am always improving because I am not perfect.
So I’m
not really sure what to do or where this should go. I don’t seek out new
friends or want to engage with anyone who doesn’t recognize me for who and what
I am. I don’t need resentment because you think I’m a know-it-all who has the
answers, I don’t need to feel that cold iciness from people I *thought* were
congenial but who would rather engage with the populars of the world, those who
rely on the network of support of friends they make because they could never
make it on their own (HOW CONVENIENT FOR THEM LUCKY ASSHOLES NEVER HAVING TO
STRUGGLE ON THEIR OWN)
This is my struggle, these resentments, I feel them bubbling
up and they are there, they are there, I want them to go away, I want them to
disappear. What do I need to do to shield myself from this? I will weed through
my social networking list I suppose, I’m trying to limit what I see on there as
is, how much time I devote, it is very difficult though as it is my primary
interaction with the public these days….
And what do I do about this sister-in-law of mine… this individual
I have struggled with since the beginning and after truly coming to a point of
PC truce, I now want absolutely nothing to do with her and I don’t want her to
have any interaction or involvement with my family. But then what good does
that do? It would create havoc in my husband’s family, it would then cut her
off from any witness of any parenting (my children are the only children in her
family) and she would be off to the world to wreck havoc on other families.
I know in the bigger picture I went through what I did for a
reason. I am supposed to share that information or do with it something that
will make a bigger impact. I don’t quite know who or how or when or what, but I
have always trusted my knowing that this happened to ME for a reason, it was a
catalyst for major change in my life, and it is in God’s hands. I am lost at
this intersection though, maybe it isn’t even an intersection, because I’m
doing what I have to do to take care of mine, but I’m not losing sight of her,
because I perceive her as a threat and I don’t trust her and until she grows up
and matures (this is a big issue) I don’t want any involvement because I don’t think
she’s going to do any good and I don’t want to leave myself suspect to her
whims of judicial judgement.
I woke up this morning with so much floating through my
head, so much that is surfacing or clearing out, and this needs to be sorted through
or something. I don’t know, I haven’t written in awhile, I don’t have the
opportunity to, there are always things to write about, my life is active and
busy and loving and we are always doing something new. Now adays I’m consumed
with babytoddler and homeschooling and SPO and recouping my own health which
has been down for about two months now (that’s a whole nother post of things)
and just getting myself back to balance.
Take these worries from me, lift these burdens from me, let
me do your will lovingly and please guide me in the direction this knowledge
should flow from me. Let me be whole. Let me be love.
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