Quickie 7am post just because

Quickies are the best.
They are.

Quickies at 7am are the best way to get your day started. Bright. Right. Early. On track.

So I'll start mine with a quickie blog.

A blog to mark a passing of things.

Things are moving, grooving, looking good with a lot of things on the horizon....
My nonprofit ventures are finding their foothold, people are interested

I have to mold it into a sellable product at this point, here is a class, this is what it costs, here's a bow on the package, isn't it pretty? You know you would love to, and indeed! It is affordable!

It is the best option for me to tunnel my efforts into
No other job will pay me what my skills are worth
but neither is this stay-at-home mom gig
Where I clean and clean and clean and clean the same things over and over and over and how many many times have I walked in circles around and around and around
Hello hot tea- I'll drink you when you are cold in about an hour

A rarity is being able to sit for a rest, a contented gaggle of children quietly silenced in engagement, and drink a hot cuppa

moments like that happen throughout and remind me that I am truly blessed

Today is another long day just starting....another snow day where I've got all three children on my own

It's been a long few days.... I hate fighting and since the last big one I'm not interested in ripping open old scars or things that are still trying to heal....

I love my husband. I respect him. I took a vow, made a promise, and I'm one to stick by things, that's a keepsake of my character, I am loyal and trustworthy and always loving

I don't want for things to fall apart, I worked very hard and wished a lot to get to this point.... but in many ways, at certain times, it feels like a strange snapshot connect to the life I led at 23, before things were ripped apart

It isn't the same, but the quicksand sucks you down just as quick...just as much.... it gets to be very stuffy and suffocating very quickly indeed.

I have a propensity to forgive, I don't like to harbor or hold grudges, but something has got to give. I think I've said all I can say but every conversation brings out my visual poetry in form of metaphor and similie.... I can compare my feelings to a number of situations and I have the language and calmness to express them vibrantly, tangibly

All I have come to realize is that this is what I'm worth and I receive what I deserve

No one loved me enough to step in, No one loves me enough to sort out to complex person I am, No one loved me enough to weather my storms
but he did
and before him I didn't know anyone could love me like this, and before him I didn't realize how truly complex I was, and before him the storms were never able to gain as much traction to become water tsunamis and just wreck the world

There are many things I have learned about myself and many more things I discover the deeper I dig in.... conversations like the last few days have increased my awareness....

Respect for a person is an innate thing. We are not perfect, we are fallible, but the respect you show for another person's body, their feelings, their time, their anything
respect first cannot and should not be freely given, respect is something that is earned, and once lost it can easily disappear, because respect can be a fragile thing

What is the recourse when someone has disrespected you? What do you do? How do you forgive? What about the consequences of that disrespect--- what about other people who witnessed it and now their opinions are shifted?

It is never my intention to butt heads with anyone when I am in go-mode to get things done... I am a working, one woman entertainment show.... give me five minutes of space to pop open my amazing traveling trunk and sit back and watch the show.....

I've been doing this a long time and my methods have slimmed down to be as efficient and effective and organized as possible. When I need help I will ask if it is easily available and offered, but if I don't ask it is because I've got this.

And I'm apparently also at a point in my life where I will tell anyone to back off, including my mother in law, but when that fire is crackling under my feet and I have a time deadline to meet and she wants to lecture me that my husband isn't a child but he can't communicate in a way that relates that enough to me so that he's allowed to be part of the party planning committee

I TAKE MY PARTY PLANNING COMMITMENTS VERY SERIOUSLY

But I don't appreciate the blow up, I don't appreciate being caused to have a panic attack or cry, I don't appreciate my husband's disrespect that occured.

I know I have to forgive and move on. Already done, the party was a great success.

I can't settle in for this kind of disrespect. I get it on all fronts- mouthiness from the kids, questioning my commands whenever I ask anything (children), and most poignantly lately I've been reminded of how much I get from my husband, this man I chose as my partner.

I don't want to complain and here isn't the place to vent and I don't mean any disrespect to him in any regard.... I'm just trying to figure this out.... What I'm supposed to do... What is my next step I can even take on such a limited tightrope of options it feels like?

I've had a lot of lovers hurt me in the past. I have opened my heart up to many before to soak up what was available. I don't second-guess my choices, but every so often I wonder if I had chosen an alternative fork at some point previous, yes the dramas would have ensued (they are inevitably connected to me to force my evolution I think) but would I have a better stronghold?

Is there anyone who would have loved me enough to stick around? To get close enough to learn that my bite isn't fatal? To learn how to tame the dragon woman I morph into

I don't question my choices, because I've made them with full confidence, but I wonder, I was so quick to slough away previous incidents, whereupon I was less than respectful and I was less than respected.... who am I to fault any one human for human mistakes made? We are not perfect, no one is? But what is the alternative life I could have had, I could have led.... would that have more respect in it?

Or is it something that can be grown, like fire, like passion, like a garden?

I do not know.

My heart isn't heavy and does not ache with any reason, I am just tired but no tired than any day. My days are long and very filled. I am excited for to touch a computer so early in the morning before my brain has morphed into a mass of spaghetti because that is what the constant noise and activity of my normal day does to me by 1pm, and I don't get a lunch break....

I need to find some space today to stretch and pray. I don't know what answers will solve my problems and I'm not even focused enough to feel like I have a problem, the party was a sucess, we made it home, I have decided to stay.

It is easy to leave. It is selfish to leave. If I was entirely selfish I would have left long ago. Commitment requires sacrifice. It requires selflessness. It requires patience and grace and wisdom. It requires God.

So I'll stay. I'm sure there is room for things to grow again once the weeds are properly sorted out.

I recognize myself more and more everyday. I'm here, within, I haven't gone anywhere

But I am within a tangle of life that is mine that I made that only I can untangle
So I had better get to untangling

p.s. here is link to video slideshow I made for MK's birthday... it is the treasure trove of every photo I don't post on facebook or anywhere else.... I will share it here because because:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLps9UljpgfN-E3xK2tHk7LrUD4UWDKSoe


Namaste