Follow your intuition

The trick is to follow your intuition every time. Don't second guess it or doubt it or question why it is saying what it is saying. Everything happens for a reason but we don't necessarily need to understand.

There are so many pieces that are connecting right now and I am tortured that I didn't have this information at hand years and years ago.

I figured out why. I figured it out and it has to do with the gut biome.

Let me back up a second.

There have been a number of 'clues' that have been adding up to things bit by bit over the years and it has taken me to this point of my life to have much of the necessary information I need at.my.hands.

Now that I have the proper resources and that I live in this modern day and time, I am able to start to develop the information and find solutions that will overall make improvements FAMILY WIDE.

This is some big stuff. Hear me out.

I'm responsible for not only my own genetic line and children, but I have in my hands the sole children in two other family lines. These are three divergent lines living in one household. I am dealing with 4 different kinds of blood types; 6 different sets of genetics & brain wiring; and a multitude of undiscovered quirks and learning differences.

I have always sensed that I was 'different'. And indeed, we are all truly special and unique by the virtues of our creation. But I am different, or at least very likely, autistic. Aspergian likely.

We got an official diagnosis for my son for Aspergers which is on the higher end of the ASD. I'm not surprised.

The more I learn, TO HELP MY CHILD, the more I am learning to help the other children, the more I can help myself, the more I can help others.

The information is clicking.

This is what happens when I follow my instincts and do the yoga I was procrastinating on instead of cuddle back into bed with the baby.

My muscles will ALWAYS thank me for yoga.

But indeed, the answers came.

I have made so many mistakes and all I can do is work in the now to move forward and start to correct each piece, step by step, starting with today, all I can do is confront the changes that need to be made and move forward. I can weep for what I did not know, but it will not make the mistakes unmade and will not undo the mess of it all. Knowledge is power and the more I learn, the better I learn to do, the better it can be. I am the change I choose to manifest. The power alone is within me. 

I thought back and I know what I've always seen. The information clicks now so clearly. 

My first child, M1, is made of the same sensitive wiring as the people she is made of. I gave into the whims of modern world and put stress on her system that created her just-so. That put a lot of stress and I didn't properly support her diet or gut biome and in turn she was susceptible to yeast infections even as a baby once she started on solids. (I had no idea dietary triggers or sensitivities were a thing in my family). Once she weaned & lost the protection the breastmilk provided to her gut, the yeast got out of control. Autism individuals have a lot of excess energy and often overlapping ADHD symptomology that comes out in form of 'stims' and also a very high need for control; rigid state of thinking;  and inability to self-soothe at times of extreme emotional distress. There's also a heightened need for sensory input.

Although my child was receiving services from the reputable developmental resources; in 2007 they didn't identify sensory issues the same way that they do in 2018. Because in the developmental spectrum she was on track, no communication issues, and besides being high energy and 'spirited'; there wasn't any reason to suspect any issue. Her father had ADHD diagnosis so that is always something to be wary of but that isn't something that can be really diagnosed until the school aged years. Besides, she had regular pediatrician check ups and everything was normal and on track so not one red flag or issue was raised besides her petite size at the WIC clinic.

In hindsight the unregulated diet wasn't doing well for her behavior or her gut biome (hence the yeast infections) and there had definitely been stress on her immune system from daycare & regular rounds of vaccinations and also the use of antiobiotics here and there without any other supportive measures taken. The children's vitamins I offered her were still based on folic acid- as likely had been the prenatals I took with her but I also felt superior as they were DHA supplemented and she is a pretty bright kid.... I did not take them so much with my second and my diet was even worse and throughout that pregnancy I had tell-tale  extreme symptoms of auto-immune gut issue flare up (likely as a result of the pregnancy) and IT SET OFF ZERO RED FLAGS FOR MY CARE PROVIDER who said it was fine to basically live off of Pepto Bismal (my current self is still aghast that this is the care one regularly receives with westernized medical health systems).

I had no idea to be dairy or gluten free or any of it all.

So I lived in a modern way with those kids. Their dad had a lot of bad stomach issues as well. The drs never helped him. As a teen I had been diagnosed with depression and high stomach acid. It wasn't surprising given I came from a dysfunctional family home (with explosive mother & sister & laid back father WHO ALL ALSO HAVE TRAITS OF ASPERGERS SO THAT'S A THING)

but ASD individuals often suffer because of gut biome disruption because of genetic quirks and changes to the methylation genes (or other genes) which then are not supported by our environment & diet & lifestyle so they can become problematic in sensitive individuals. The sensitivities are genetic and also linked to how the brain is created & wired.

So my child, who was already born sensitive and then worn more susceptible by the modern world, started 'stims' and rigid insistence on 'self-soothing' in the ways that she choose. Combined with the hyperactivity and the sensory behaviors of stripping and the oral thumb sucking those were red flag that she had a sensitive system. If I had known better I would have known and seen it then. Like I'm learning to see it now. But it was all so obvious.

Hindsight always is.

I'm not surprised then at the issues I've encountered with her extreme anxiety during those early years and I wish I could go back in time and send myself so much more patience and grace and knowledge. I wish I knew then so I could have supported her properly in the ways that she needed.

I don't think she's not the best kid she could be; she's amazing and smart and talented. But I do see a lot more now that she is a decade older and a lot of the behaviors that I've been dealing with have been very challenging.

I have felt so blind in the darkness and stumbling around learning only through trial and error, it feels very disheartening.

I only ever gave my best effort to do and be the best and I know my focus of priority and unconditional love was clear.

I just wish I could have traveled through more gently.

But that is not how strong women are borne. I know.

But today is all I have to work with. So today I will do my best. I will do my best to move forward with the information I find. I will do my best to seek out new information to fill the gaps. I will not stop.

I will continue to apply and apply and apply this information because it is so good and if it works and makes a difference than all the better.

I could not have predicted that my bright burst of a boy child would illuminate such things to solve issues that stem back generations of people. That it would provide the missing pieces of WHY things were so hard and WHY people behaved the way that they did and it illuminates all the paths that have been taken that don't make the pitfalls of it all any better.

By virtue of his very being he is requiring us to level up to solve these problems so they don't have to plague us any further.

Now the pitfalls are clear and I'm stupid if I let myself fall into them.

The essential gist I get from the limited research I have conducted thus far is if I combat the gut biome issues (some research indicates digestive enzymes in tandem with probiotic & then fungal gut support) & support the individuals with a proper diet that is tailored to their genetic & personal body needs (taking out issue foods & focusing on battling inflamation & supporting healthy gut) & healthy mental program (emotional validation; FLIP It! ; addressing the issues with rigidity; positive problem redirection & solving; managing emotions & anxieties; true compass of internal values & morals; manners; respect; boundaries;) & also the learning component (lots of visual support as ASD individuals are highly highly visual; simple directions; patience with refocusing; clear ROS tactics;EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING SUPPORT; LIFESKILLS; EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE; COMMUNICATION; Zones of Regulation; Body Language; Empathy) & don't forget the sensory diet! (making sure to see the beahviors as SENSORY NEEDS instead of beign upset or punitive at disruptive 'stims' that take the form of movement, sounds, or frenetic energy)
then I should see a major improvement overall.

No big deal right? I got this. For myself, for the five other people I live with. We can do this. We can get this train on the tracks and head ourselves speeding away in the right direction. I have all of the information I need at hand, I just have to move forward with it, implement it, be the change I want to see in the world. I control the purchasing and I'm educating the children and I'm the impetus for the changes that are so necessary for us to be healthy.

Then I'm going to be on top of helping other people to do the same. Because this is what I do. This is what we do.

This is me following my intuition.