Labels

Yesterday was a big day in our world of things. A big day for observations and assessments and a big marker point in the world of follow through of something that has been months and months in the making.

The biggest takeaway, besides that my son's abilities ARE recognized, is that he's a complex case. An enigma if you will (that's what the midwives called him) and when we meet again in 3 weeks for the IEP meeting we will have a more solid idea of what they're thinking it is diagnosable as.

It isn't the end of the world if we don't agree with ultimately what they decide, yesterday was a short glimpse on their behalf and we have other professiomals that we have been intimately working with.

But this is what they do; they have all the assessments and background of higher level educational training which enables them to diagnose and assess and so on and so forth

and frankly, it wasn't anything that I didn't already suspect somewhere in my mind but I suppose it is good to have that further clarification

but my child is only himself, he is 100% unique with a brain that is highly intelligent and capable and complex and a little body that is incredibly strong and with more energy and sensitivities than many of his peers

and we've replaced the screams with words and now he has a voice but it is so quiet and I already see how the world is bulldozing right over him

And he rolls right on forward, affected sometimes but sometimes not. He doesn't pick up on social cues.

He is highly intelligent and highly capable and has a fantastic vocabulary, he shows emotions and feelings.... but he does not pick up on cues from others, he has some language quirks they think, he can hear so much of the world around him you have to talk louder and slow and in front of him or else he is liable to not be able to hear you because he hears everything else.

The idea is strongly that it is Autism Spectrum Disorder but more Aspergers than Autistic because he has a few traits that are highly suggestive but not enough that they would consider him severe.

He's definitely not like any other kid I've ever met or seen but he isn't hallmark for it either; but there are some red flags that once pointed out, I can't really disagree with, in my heart I know these traits extend further out than just him.

I know where these things come from. I see some traits in myself. I see some traits in my spouse.
The more I learn the more I am recognizing in my other children. The more I learn the more I am learning to accomodate. The more I learn the less secure I feel in how much I thought I knew before. Why didn't I know this before? Why didn't anyone lead the way with this information?

I know I am on the cusp of a great and mighty change.

A perspective shift of epic proportions which will forever shift and change colors of everything we view.Everything.

My mind is reeling because I can take this term, this information, not to say that I never suspected it previously, because information is out there and I'm always sifting through lots of things and keeping my eyes and ears open because information is what grants us the power to grow and change, but I suppose it is the confirmation, yet again, of my suspicions which in a way is terrifying but in the same very appeasing. I know what I see.

And I have extended upon these platforms for support, because we knew he would inherit *some* of our sensitivities; we didn't think he we get ALL of them and then some and since the day he was born we knew he was sensitive and we've done everything in our power to meet his needs and respect him as a person and meet him where he's at, which was a very high energy and active and uncomfortable place for him often and his only voice volume was extra screamy loud. But he grew and things changed and they got better and we did everything we absolutely could.

The heat of that didn't burn me up, haha only the things that needed to melt away, but high temps and pressure are what can transform you if you allow it, so I gave into that pressure and was granted patience and new perspectives and time moves forward and things inevitably change

I just keep working on my self skills and how I can be the best that I can be and I pray for this every single day. I know I'm not perfect, I don't know why I expected my children to be, and although some things have stayed constant, for the *new* life of routine that we are building, for stability,

a lot is changing. I, as the teacher and principal and director and mother and wife and brains of this whole operation, I continue to upgrade and allow the pressure and information to transform me.

I'll try new things, I'll try the follow through in approaches that work. I'll do what I can to model all the best-practices I find and discover. I'll keep tweaking my house and home and methods to accomodate my children, my family, myself.

A label is nothing but a label. It is not something to shy away from, it is not something to hide from, one label does not have to be synonymous with another, but that does not mean they need to exist side by side. One can be many things at once. A label can just connect information to other resources that are most applicable.

There is no clear label to define my son, so they will find the closest fit. His need for adaptive learning is clear. His shining self is too bright to sit still with the other children, this is clear. None of this is news to me as I know, but as we start to assimilate this child into the world he'll need support. A label also grants him access to services only available if you have the label. Services that can target his very very apparent sensory needs. Beneficial services that can help. It creates options. I'm all about options.

I didn't recognize these things in myself until my son was born. It had passed as an inkling of a thought when I first tried to conceive and we had talked about the possibility of it then without any real idea of what it can entail to raise a sensitive child. I asked my husband early on if he had ever received any diagnosis of his own quirks. I am very aware of how I operate and how I skirted by unawares. I am very fully aware of the dysfunction of my family of origin and also the function.

I'm a problem solver, I've spent the last 5 years learning so much about health and the body and emotional healing. My research never ends and every day I am on the forefront of the battlegrounds facing and helping and moving forward to make new gains.

A label is a label is a label. It's ok. I don't have to identify with it but that's not honest that's denial. There's nothing wrong with recognizing yourself and being honest about yourself.

Well, I hope so ha ha, my other endeavors include the beginning forays into marital counseling. hoorah hoorah
 I have a deep love and respect for my husband I am loyal to the promises I carved out. I am a woman of my word. That being said, it hasn't been easy at all. I have recognized a lot of areas of difficulty over the years and it mostly relates to everyone's extra-needs/extra-sensitivities and the difficulties of operating within one's self while having to operate in close proximity and on a routine and schedule with others. There are some unhealthy communication/reaction issues programmed into the relationship along with a smidgen of lack of self-care & inability to set/establish boundaries & a good ole dose of high-needs infant & milestones of stressful life events. All the ingredients of a joyous union

but for real, I can't bitch and complain about things if I'm not willing to follow through or make the efforts to make things better. If I don't know where to start, I can seek out help to help me figure that out. I can seek out assessments for my son, I can seek out counseling for my marriage


i will complain though because i was on an amazing writing flow and the baby was sleeping and it was perfectly in sync and then my stupid husband burst through the door with the active toddler and totally invaded my personal private space even after he saw i was engaged and there wasn't any reason other than he can't remember any of the rules to my boundaries and ic an't rise above my upset feelings every.single.time. this happens because it won't stop happening and i don't really like him more for this constant barrage and i get no respect for my necessary boundaries that i need as part of my self care or ability to work or be productive. i am more productive with 4 children at hand than with 1 grown ass man who i can waste endless hours arguing with over basic things like please respect my space and simple rules for boundaries

but he's got quirks and i've got quirks and it isn't getting any easier.

the struggle is real. if labels help find resources that are most applicable. i'm all in. if labels help to explain why it all seems so hard, i'll take it.

i feel like i signed up for this inherantly but then I didn't really realize what I was signing up for. there are parts of this adventure i would much rather not have to go through

but i love my children. mavis is my favorite. mk is my shining star. the big GIrls azmake me sO PROUD. BABY SAYS HI. Z THERE GOES MY QUIETWEQ3R4 I21