Wednesday

So perhaps I haven’t been the best at keepign things updated. Things are really taking their toll on me and I keep going on but I can feel myself transforming and I’m in the middle of many different difficult processes. I literally run on anywhere from 4 to 6 hours (6 is a good night) of sleep at night at I am up and at ‘em at 6:30 every single morning.

My entire life routine has shifted and I don’t like it. My entire life has shifted and I don’t like it.

As far as the legal stuff goes, I really can’t go too into detail, we have a trial date set for September 19. That is 1 month past the 90 day limit that is usually set, which I had to sign to waive at the pretrial we attended this past Monday. I wasn’t exactly pleased. Mr. M will be missing their birthdays, which is a big deal not only just to him but to me as well. This entire summer, which for the first time ever we were going to spend as a family doing stuff as much as we could (since he didn’t have to work and I only work part time and that should be different by next year) with the girls. We always do stuff, but not a ton and he’s usually missing from the equation. This also draws things out into the fall. I want them to be done and over with already. I want my life to resume something I can call “normal”.

On one hand this gives us more time to find our ideal expert witness, which is proving to be more difficult and time consuming than I initially thought. I’m not the one doing the looking, it is primarily the attorney’s job and I know that he has been exploring a variety of options while trying to stay within a certain price range (i.e. we are trying to find someone LOCAL within a still-extremely-high pricerange).

[UPDATE DURING THE DURATION OF WRITING THIS]
We may have just found our expert witness person who is local and has done studies on such things! She still remains to be researched and it is going to cost me around $3000 but again, this is a budget price. The attorney sounded light and excited (for once) which in turn makes me feel much better about things. This is a stark contrast from our discussion earlier today.

This also gives us more time to continue on with the counseling and to get assessments and services and to prepare for the hearing. I compiled a list of witnesses and the attorney will be evaluating them and looking more into those people very soon.

The emotional toll this is having on me is unprecedented. My life has taken on this deviant form and I liked the life I had before. I’m not only upset about this entire situation and my financial issues and the breakup of my relationship and the kidnapping of my children, I’m mourning the life I lost. I don’t mean to be overly dramatic sounding, but I will never be that same person ever again. My children will bounce back but this has affected them in a tremendous way. My previous relationship has already morphed into something more amicable than it has been in a long time, but it will never have the strength or sway it had when we operated as a family unit.

My entire personal life and my relationship with Mr. M and everything about my parenting is under the microscope, and it’s only going to get worse before this all comes to trial. I have to reveal more of my life to strangers (who in turn have to listen, because it’s their job- not because they are interested) than I would to anyone I would meet. Even if I get another boyfriend down the road, I wouldn’t even tell him most of this stuff, simply because it isn’t for telling to other people (aside from years of girlfriend talk in which the majority of life is discussed and compared with each other in friendship).

I’m having a lot of mixed emotions about things and I am a planner. I can’t even plan for next week or this weekend, there is nothing concrete per say. Work is going, school is going, the girls are good, but this whirlwind of a mess is exactly that. I’m worn and weary already and we still have a tumultuous journey ahead.

But there is always a silver lining, I’m progressing more towards ladydom (ladyhood? Gentilesse?) I’m starting to take proactive measures towards morphing my home into a new space. I’d like to move but I can’t plan anything at this point. I’m back down to one cat (Sancho). I think I’m going to go workout at a gym tonight….I have some toning to do. Maybe I’ll have a garage sale. I definitely take better care of myself than I have since…..my mid teenage years, probably even better because I know a lot more now. I have a bunch of dr’s appointments to schedule within the next month before I lose my insurance, so I’ll be getting a checkup and going to the dentist. I’ve learned about moisturizer.

I have to say, just now Marilyn walked up to me with a cup of applesauce and asked me to open it so she could have a snack because (as she indicated to the open bag of chips we had been eating) “Chips are junk food”. I love the impact one conversation with her can have and hopefully will have for the rest of her life. Maybe all of my talk about bugs will turn her into a neat-freak.

My day was actually feeling quite dismal because it’s been a rough week with the pretrial on Monday and counseling yesterday and the day before and more counseling later on this week. The call from the attorney at least brightened my spirits a bit, progress is progress.

More soon, thank you for following and reading and for the thoughts and prayers and well wishes. This is already a longer and harder battle than anything I have ever faced before, but it can’t last forever and atleast we can start counting down.