What are they good for anyhow?

Men.

I have been spending a significant amount of time as of late contemplating on the usefulness and wonderfulness of men. Not to say that they aren’t useful or wonderful, indeed there are many aspects (which I am going to list within this blog, because did you really think I would COMPLAIN? Psh) but I have been focusing on all of the things that I don’t like about men or all of the ways in which I feel they are less-than-useful within my life. As a result I have compiled a bit of a list (along with explanation) of all of the reasons I feel men are useful. I was spoiled with a wonderful man as a father but then completely ruined with the not-completely wonderful men that have filled up the majority of my adult years (and quite a few prior to).

As a result I have little to no expectations and although my previous contemplations led me to the creation of the Man List (see previous post) I have begun to realize that perhaps I am delusional and that much closer to becoming the cat lady if I continue on with any expectation of meeting someone who is truly everything that I want. Or the Universe has not seen it fit at this point in my life to introduce him to me. Or it already has but the “right” time has not yet presented itself. But I can tell myself a lot of things to justify my situation.

So thanks guys (you know who you are), you called it.

How sure of what I want am I anyhow? I mean, I thought I was sure, but I also didn’t think it would take this long to find someone suitable for me to interact with on a close level who didn’t make me feel like I always wanted to stab him in the face or shudder away from his touch. Someone who doesn’t mind that I have two kids who are even more energetic and vivacious than I, and find them entertaining and wonderful and doesn’t mind spending time with them.

Not that I have any lack of men in my life, and that is a good thing, I love men and all that they are (okay, well that’s not entirely true) but I didn’t think it would take this long to find a freaking boyfriend, and truly, the longer I go without, the more I am starting to think that I won’t find anyone at all.

It kind of drives a lady to think that there is some inherent flaw within and that although I am not unlovable (because I feel the love and thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you- you know who you are if you are reading this and you know I am aware of your love for me) I am wondering if even I am seen as someone with girlfriend potential. Plus, the men that do love me don’t love me in the right ways and have done significant damage to me, so “love” is subjective and destructive more often than not. I am wary and cut throat and lacking proper emotions in a lot of the required places anymore.

I can be pretty awesome (and sorry sweet, I know I can be pretty terrible too…) and I like to do stupid girlfriendy nonsense, like buy little presents and run errands and do sweet things for the man I like. My cooking has totally improved and I would not hesitate to create some delicious culinary concoction or another. (I knows how the mens like this and the fact that I do like to cook but I don’t often have willing eaters is driving me to the point of just giving people I care about food instead of making delicious meals in sexy heels and an apron for someone who wanted to devour me after the food *sigh). I’m a nurturer and although I don’t want to take care of a man completely, I have no problem taking care of him in every nice way I can. I’m laid back, sociable, easy to get along with (okay, not totally but it depends a lot on the other person, obviously some people are easier than others to get along with and then there are other people who purposefully try to make you mad and then wonder why the only passion aroused within me is that of violence) and I really really like scary movies. I am excellent and straightforward with my communication (and stop shaking your head at me- you know who you are) and I just want someone it is easy to talk with. It sucks when I have to do all of the talking or when they talk you want to stab out your eardrums because they are so boring. I do lots of other awesome woman things as well but I am not going to list them all here. If you know me, you already have an idea. Or not, but then that is the magic of being a lady. J

But, without ado, because I know how long and wordy I am already, I’ll just continue on with my bulleted list about what I think men are good for.

• Carnal pleasures (if they are even good- heh heh heh)
• ·         Cuddling (sometimes, if I even like them enough to cuddle or if they aren’t the reincarnation of Skeletor and/or Snorlax)
• ·         Hanging up curtain rods
• ·         Putting together furniture (you know how bad I suck at this)
• ·         Opening jars  (and with such ease, if only they truly knew the problems jars cause me in my life)
• ·         Making me smile (they say/do some of the most sweet/entertaining/funny things)
•  Making me laugh (when they are funny)
• ·         Driving places
• ·         Providing excellent musical atmospheres (I’m a singer and a dancer and I have a huge appreciation for well defined music tastes/abilities. I’ve experienced this in a variety of ways from giving me awesome music in the car to listen to [except for DMB Hell] to playing me musical instruments whilst I do other things—However, this trait can be quickly abused with terrible music taste or by playing the same song over and over and over and over)
• ·         Texting J
• ·         Always looking sexy as hell in a pair of jeans
• ·         Looking really good in nothing (*This does not apply to all men AT ALL- sorry)
• ·         Getting dirty
• ·         Moving heavy stuff
• ·         Making babies
• ·         Carrying those babies/toddlers/children (especially when they fall asleep and need to be hauled in from the car- I’m a heelaholic and they are heavy)
• ·         Sexy arm muscles
• ·         Entertaining children (this is something that men are particularly awesome at I have noticed, provided that they don’t suck at interacting with children. My girls light up with any male interaction and men typically do things that I don’t/won’t/don’t have time to do. It doesn’t take much to carve your way into Marilyn’s heart either,  playing with her is enough usually. Any male presence is also dramatically different than Mom, I’m less cuddly and hairy and my voice doesn’t reverberate and vibrate through their little bodies. My stories are also suckier and I don’t spend time teaching them about masculine type things, like zombies, stealing cars on video games, or you know, other boy stuff.)
• ·         Eating (provided they aren’t picky or don’t complain)
• ·         Listening (sometimes)
• ·         Giving me amazing epic music that will forever be always associated with them
• ·         Providing encouragement and/or cheering me up (My man club is the best sometimes)
• ·         Paying for drinks and driving so that I can be that carefree idiot sometimes
• ·         Knowing me so well as to what I like and what makes me happy and unexpectedly presenting me with such only to provide me with happiness (Yep, sometimes it does happen and it puts me higher than Cloud 9, because it doesn’t happen often enough to an emerging spinster and it is when they do things like that that I know they really love me, platonically or romantically or friendly, it doesn’t matter, oh, it is love).

I do not like to dwell on negatives either, especially since I am trying to develop a deeper sense of appreciation for the other sex while still being spurned and ridiculously single, but I have also found men can be very good at

• ·         Poor communication techniques
• ·         Developing/harboring emotional issues
• ·         Lying
• ·         Drinking (There’s drinking and there’s DRINKING and then there is please don’t ever drink again- only one of these is kind of acceptable, the other two paths lead to nothing but trouble)
• ·         Avoiding
• ·         Creating a lack of closure in a situation
• ·         Crossing unacceptable boundaries
• ·         Being volatile and angry strong
• ·         MOODINESS
• ·         Being selfish
• ·         Not being able to make decisions
• ·         And then some (I don’t even know the proper emotionicon to use for this one)

So take that.

In the meantime, I’ve been tossing around the idea for quite a bit, and although I am being strongly encouraged to keep up with it, I am getting very weary and winded and I don’t really want to do it anymore. This dating stuff is nonsense and I’m not finding anyone that I would even really want to make my boyfriend and no one has been so taken with me as to make any sort of strong effort to come and get me or persuade me of his feelings and intentions. Or there is such disconnect. What do spinsters do for fun? Because I can’t deal with anymore cats and I don’t want to be the snake lady either.

It’s no fun when you have a list of things you want to do and yet no one to do those things with. It’s hard to even find another adult to go with me to take my kids to places, and I would be insane to attempt it without any help. He wouldn’t just have to like me, I come with a lot of baggage, and how it goes, my childrens are easier to fall for than I am.  All of my girlfriends have kids (and boyfriends of their own too) and I feel like I have fallen into a weird inescapable crack of the world being young and single and a mother. It’s not inescapable, because I see lots of my divorced and single mom friends get yanked out. I hate having to field the question of why I’m not already married, because some people have seen that domesticity within me and it does suit me very well, much better than this wild young woman I am. Usually if someone thought they were hot enough in the first place to knock up, they get a second chance and someone else will want to have a family with them again someday. All of the women I know (with only a few exceptions) have found boyfriends and have started new families. I have been single longer than them and I just don’t feel like that is so much in the cards for me anymore or maybe it is. I’m not giving up, but I don’t even know anymore.

The look on the cake ain’t always the taste…