Recalibration

I've been doing some thinking, and today was a good day for that especially. I woke up and upon checking my e-mail discovered I was up for another renewal for the dating site I had been participating in. Because I didn't want to really explore any options (I haven't been on there in weeks) and it was more of a mixed bag of results prior (I did go on some dates and meet at least one interesting and wonderful man) and I didn't want to pay $60 for more awkward and uneventful first dates, I called and cancelled. (Got my refund damn straight).

My therapist is going to kill me.

I am beyond frustrated at this point. I have too much free time, too much energy, and too much of a drive to be wandering in this vast wasteland. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing but whatever I have been doing isn't working.

I'm also quite frustrated because although I pride myself on my excellent planning abilities and they do pan out in a majority of ways, my life plans are not. I have ended up in and with a life that I didn't quite exactly plan out and it is not entirely my fault but indeed, I did participate in it for it to get this way.

I've been trying to soak in the advice from those I feel are wise and who I trust with their thoughts and opinions. There seems to be a few common themes circulating everything that I am being told.

Let go.

Live life.

Stop planning.

Don't be so picky.

Well sirs, that is all much easier said than done. But I will try.

I am not overwhelmingly unhappy, but I need to find peace with my life as it is. It does not appear like it is going to dramatically change overnight (I mean, it didn't seem like that before when it DID dramatically change overnight- so that option I suppose is always on the table) and I need to find a new left of center, a new normal to exist within.

I worry because I'm afraid that if I let go to certain things, certain wants or expectations, that they will forever disappear. Maybe that isn't a bad thing? Some would say that it is not, that I just need to let go and live life and the Universe will provide to me what is right and meant to be.

I'm young, I have time.

I can say this though, if I don't come to peace or find something new I am going to go insane. I may be young, but even the more reason for something to pan out. I don't want to wait forever.

So the first plan on the agenda. Let go.

What can I let go of? How about hopes and dreams and expectations? Should I let go of ever wanting to have another family? Of ever getting married? Of ever meeting someone who would mesh with me? Of finding a wonderful step-father for my little girls? Of being a successful businesswoman? I am dropping some of those minor expectations off of what I would like in a man (Man List 2.0 is coming after this post). I am letting go of this fantasy dream I have of what I would like my life to be (I need to be open and adaptable and flexible to what life throws my way- right?). Some things I am not going to let go off. My fantasy house, you know, with the lakefront view and the first floor laundry and the porch swing? Yeah, that one isn't going anywhere and that fuels my every (every-other) day car rides down the road so I can ooogle the lake (to fill my lake craving) and to scope out what houses are like. I've got years and years and years before it will happen, but I can dream.

Perhaps I should necessarily let go of all of my dreams and hopes. I can hope for things, but not plan for them? Be open to what life throws my way and see how that works? I don't know. What's next on my list?

Live life.

This one is tricky without even being tricky. I'm at a lull with my life. Things are starting to slow down. Everything is shifting as well and will continue to shift. I'm finding new things to keep me busy. I've got piano plans and other musical endeavors I'd like to pursue. I have my research ready and waiting for me to make my way back. I've got a ton of stuff that still needs to be organized. A pile of sewing projects just waiting for my work station to get put back together. And when all else fails, the Sims 2. And school, but that is going too slowly for my preferences. I want to be in the classroom learning first hand.

In the past 6 months I have come so far with everything. I have made it through another move and the process that goes along with creating a new home and getting situated. My baby starts kindergarten in the fall! I have a home and furniture and my bed frame is coming at the end of the week! I will have an actual assembled bedroom with proper furniture and everything!!!

I am going to just let go. Have fun. Do as I please. I am afforded free time unlike many other parents I know and I am trying to bask in it and enjoy it to the fullest. It's just weird. And very very lonely. It is hard sometimes (most of the time) to find someone to do things with. Most of my close friends have already moved onto that part of their life where they have families and children and responsibilities to take care of. They don't have the single free lifestyle where they can do what they want, when they want and spend as much time as they please doing so. That's what my life was like until a year ago. I was happy with it, staying in and watching my children for entertainment rather than venturing out and about looking for it. Moving westside has also made it a bit more difficult because I don't want to have to venture all over the place just to hang out, and although it is easy to meet new people, it is not necessarily the easiest thing in the world to find new friends. My highschool gang dispersed and if not for Facebook, we probably wouldn't even keep in contact. I feel like that annoying pesky kid girl sidekick more often than not.

Stop planning.

My previous plans didn't work out. I don't have a convertible, or a Vespa, or a motorcycle (or hell, even a Chevy Volt- but I do love my Honda hybrid). I am not married. I do not have a gaggle of children (2 is not a gaggle). I have not written a book. I do not have a lucrative and promising career. I do not have a house. I planned for so many things and paved the way and yet they did not happen. Somethings are still likely to happen, but apparently not on my plans or agenda or schedule. They will happen when they happen as they are supposed to happen. If Plan A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H and even those scrappy plans that I throw together last minute didn't and aren't working, maybe I need to lay off of the planning (that was what I was told). Good point. Note taken. The only plans that pan out for me are my educational ones, so I'll just stick with those.

And last but not least,

Don't be so picky.

Oh I have my expectations and standards, I just realize I have my list of "ideals" and my list of what I'm more likely to come across. Going to post that here in a sec.


I am recalibrating and shifting my life expectations.

Let go and live.

Let's see how this works out.