Step 1.
Find clean underwear.

i don't seem to have any hanging around. and the dryer is still broken and that problem has not been solved and therefore you see, i have this entirely new problem called I don't have any clean underwear or washcloths or towels.

Then, before I go around thinking too leisurely of my available time, I need to get dressed. I need to head outside. Pull out a cold battery that has died. Again.

I didn't sleep very well last night.

I am processing these things called feelings. Emotions.

They have strength.

I don't know what to do with them. I don't know where they are trying to point me to grow.

Today I feel like I should, like I should be bouncing about.

But I'm tired, it's cold. Now I have to deal with my car battery.

What's the point.

This morning I was awakened by a phone call from someone who was reviewing some documentation I submitted for some things and immediately upon waking I was asked formidable details regarding my income and why it has continued to decrease so steeply and what is my plan and haven't I ever thought about getting another job and there has to be some explanation because in the overall pattern it just doesn't make sense.

Yes.

I contended. Yes, you are correct. But indeed for reasons such as this and this and this, all related to the infrastructure of my employers that be, changes were made and do you jump ship when you have little else other to rely upon for backup support and infrastructure?

I did not explain how, also, more came to drink from my water pool and now a drought has hit.

Those things didn't seem relevant.

What seems to be the most evident is that there is a consistent pattern of decline.

I am in a consistent pattern of decline. But the more this seems to go on, the brighter I seem to shine?

But don't they say something about the stars that burn the brightest and how they are the first to go out? Or they are the leaders in illuminating the sky. They are creators of the Universal pictures, the constellations, everlasting lights.

I want to mope. I want to sink down into everything that is and just be left alone. Indefinitely. Not entirely or completely, this is just how it feels to me in this moment right now as I am.

Maybe I should just go back to sleep. Let the rest of the afternoon and my responsibilities come to me.

If I make my goal for today just one, just one thing. Will that appease me?

To just fix my car battery.

and to get over these feelings. stupid feelings. but isn't this just my body's way of telling me that whatever it is that I'm encountering is just not okay? I don't react like this, this doesn't feel like me. Not the me I want to be.

But for right now, for right this second, I need to find some underwear and take care of this car battery.

and then I'm going to do whatever it pleases me to do.

because I shouldn't wallow in this perceived sneakiness. I'm not going to bask in the upsetness that it has caused. I don't have time to waste on such things. I don't quite know what it is that I Have to be doing better, but the sun is now shining and I feel bountiful and beaming in this moment. I need to move, to keep it flowing.

To make sure that the Her that is put first is always within reach of happiness.