Writing to write

So right now I'm here on vacation visiting with my lovely fiance. It really isn't a vacation, but it is. I've been doing really poorly without him and so it's nice to be able to sleep and have nice dreams and to feel happiness again.

It's been very difficult without him around and I've come to realize a lot of things about myself.

I won't detail them here. But I have a lot of fire inside and there is something quick and snappish within me; maybe my wires are so high strung that I'm likely to snap and sizzle away.

Maybe I have too much sadness within me.

I've been thinking of a lot of Soul-ful things lately and I've come to a lot of very clear realizations about my purpose and my journey. I still can't figure out why I agreed to come back down to this earth stuff. I feel like I never wanted to really be here and somehow; throughout my entire existence, I've constantly struggled with these ongoing feelings.

I don't take interest in the modern world the way that other people do. I don't care about a lot of things-- they all seem bland and artificial. Sometimes I bask in the enjoyment of food-- but most days I don't even like that and I have zero appetite.

The last time I had Reiki done; my soul tried to escape. I know, because I was there and feeling it and it felt sooooo good. But I had very skillful practitioners around and they kept me all there-- in the room.

I feel pretty good. It is lovely to be with him and to be within this happiness... but I know how fleeting this will be. Every minute that passes by is another minute closer to what I've become, and I have no will or reason to struggle against it or ask quite why.

I find happiness--- but much more easily do I find the sad.

Why is this how I am? Surely I wouldn't have been a creation of God only created to feel these things.

I find myself most often seeking spiritual solace and in prayer. Praying for lots of things. That's where I'd most like to be.

I do not like this Human world with this human stuffs and I find myself tied to it. Not to say I don't love my children or anything, but why do I always feel so glum and dreary. Why can't my moments of happiness and pure energetical bliss sustain? What am I doing? What did I do? Why am I like this? Where am I going? What am I supposed to do?

I know I'm supposed to write. I need to garner the time and ability to do so everyday. I need to get myself published in a meaningful way.

Just more often than not I feel likea flop; like a failure; like I"m not accomplishing any meaningful things.

I needed to get this out of me though to make room for better feelings to come; for better feelings today. It was something stupid that sunk my mood and it wasn't once that it happened but then it so quickly disippated; and then quickly as anything something else kicked it down again. Now I'm having a very difficult time getting it back up. Why am I always so broody and down?

I should find some physical sustenance- put myself more into this world and create happiness and bask within it as long as I can. I can lose myself in nature or animals or things around me.

I don't much care for people anymore.

I don't much care for lots of things anymore.

Is this what long lasting ongoing depression feels like?

God, it's awful.