Blood Moons and Botched Baby Batter

It's October.

My wedding is in 10 days.

Last night I seriously burned myself while hot gluing some embellishments

I can't stop crying about everything.

and some stuff is legit, like I don't feel any overwhelming love and support from anyone and I don't have any help with anything (which isn't entirely true but that's the sad song I like to sing)

and hey

they eclipse was last night

the blood moon that began six months ago and sprang the rest of the last six months of mine into action

did i mention my wedding is in 10 days


holy life is going crazy fast

and things are shifting and changing

and things are weird
but aren't they always weird
and i seem to process things

the voices came back more clearly this morning than in a long long time

time is subjective of course

it's beena few mnths

but it hasn't

I know what I need to do, so why do I fight it? Why doI always fight for more time to stay in the groove of the cycle that I have gotten used to?

Everything is changing and as the machinery shifts, that and those must fall away and make room for new habits to grow and thrive and be

I can show the Universe I'm a worthwhile mother to a greater spiritual being, if one of these hungry eggs would stick around for longer than a minute......

We joke about writing a book called, 'Cravings' and filling it with the otherworldly descriptions and pictures of food that come through me during the short span of time where I am host to hungry hungry eggs of babies that will never be.

On my own devices,I have very specific mouth tastes and things that I like,

these hungry eggs crave so many many many weird things. Chicken and donut avocado sandwiches. mountains of crab cakes. Fish blood. Congealed fish oil with leftover scales. Raw chicken. Chicken chicken chicken chicken chicken. mac and cheese. pizza pierogies. on and on and on and on. I write them down, because actually, we've begun to notice a trend atleast. The cravings kick in and are the first thing to show up. I don't usually crave chicken blood or want to raise one in love only to kill it to taste the love in it's sweet delicious tender chicken body.

the cravings show up, and the lines appear, and then disappear, and then maybe appear, and then comes the botched baby blood, buckets of hormones, tears, and it's more on a schedule of why won't they make it past this many days and what is going on that things aren't taking hold and growing.

then I read all over the internet, everything


blah


i can barely stay on track to finish anything anymore

and now I"m crying

because once again, I put my confidence and trust into other people's help

and again, I'm let down

why do I try to rely on anyone for anything?