Merry After Christmas!

The only thing that I really really really wanted this year,

a Swingline Stapler,

I did not get.

But aside from that, OMG this year was almost seriously the best Christmas yet! I didn't cry not once! Not even once at all!!! There was no family weirdness, no drama, and and and I kept to my schedule and we were everywhere that we needed to be on time!

Hooray for an amazing Christmas day!

The husband had his moment of mope and it was pretty apparent that he was frustrated with the children (and how they never listen) and about a million other things and I think he was really feeling the loss of his family of origin this year more than ever. His family is super super great and he was raised in a functional household that cherished and valued family time, so they continued to have wonderful activities for everyone to partake in always. Yesterday he lamented such things, how this is what Christmas USED to be, and how he had all this time to casually hang out and stay up and watch Christmas specials with this family and friends.

And I apologized, because now he's just got me.

And I'm not a fun bag of anything. I know how to have a good time on the regular, but I'm not overly exciting myself. I mellow out easily with some Netflix and a favorite show. A drink and some laughs, some stimulating conversation, always the sex, you know, I'm easy. And when I'm not crazy hormonal or stressed out, I'm pretty laid back also.


In fact, after the marathon of all of the several places we went in the span of less then 24 hours, all I was by last night was plain tired. We were househopping from Christmas Eve to Christmas day and it is exhausting to coordinate and to monitor, and I had to reiterate that OF COURSE we could easily stay at any one place for any given amount of time, we could always visit MORE, but sometimes there isn't the time in the span of a holiday.

If anyone ever wants to restructure the season a bit and schedule a day that isn't a major holiday, by all means, I can make another day work for holiday celebrations.

But if anyone wants in on one of those coveted two days of 'cheer', there are time slots and carefully organized location based itineraries. Cause we spend most of the day driving it feels like.

So that was my minor bump of a day yesterday, which wasn't even that bad, it is mostly him catching up with what married life can be like.

Also, I might have been a bit mopey last year on Christmas, because after dropping my children off quite early in the day, I spent the rest of the day with my then-boyfriend's family, of whom I was not overly familiar with, instead of my family at my father's house where I much rather would have been. I was sad, but I didn't make it a thing. I can respect that this year my husband is getting the chance to reflect on his feelings of such, even though we spent more time at his parent's house, even though we see them much more on the regular than anyone else, he is used to having unlimited lazy time for the full two days with just them, and I can understand how he might miss that, because I'm no substitute for a whole group of great people.

So yeah.

The girls had an amazing day and loved their presents. M1 was a little bummed out that she didn't get a laptop computer (although I said in an earlier post how I planned on it eventually and bribed her, yeah, probably not going to happen until she's a bit older anyhow, and I think she forgot) but she was thrilled with all the Minecraft stuff she got and M2 loved all of her stuff but the most important thing it felt like she chose to fight with her sister about was a cutout Minecraft sheep that M2 wanted from M1's many sheeted sheep set. It was resolved, but a high point of contention.

Also, M2 is the worst at keeping secrets.

My sister wanted a new pair of shoes for her birthday, which is earlier in the month of December, so I bought them for her as a gift, of which she was very aware of, and it was my intention on gifting them to her at Christmastime.
So I thought it would be humorous to swap out her new shoes with a pair of my old shoes that the dog chewed up and wrap those ones instead. So I did. Funniest trick EVER.

And then M2 told her like right before she opened it. And then bragged about telling her.

So there was some serious talk had about such things, and she's five and just doesn't totally get it, and I know that, but we also aren't telling her any of our secrets anytime soon. (Not that there are secrets to be kept anyhow).

So that's that.

I had mentioned to the husband all this pressure I get from family in regards to us spawning, and this holiday we endured comments made from over 4 well meaning relatives.
It is awkward when it happens and there is no way to really answer anything. No one really has ever had any issues in those arenas except for an aunt or a cousin and those were very specific situations. This is a test I have never before encountered. Life is throwing new things at me. I'll take it.

On the other hand, through the grapevine there was griping about that new family member, and how obnoxious she was during the holiday to an extreme degree. I truly am excited for her in this situation because this is something that she has wanted for such a long time, but I feel bad for her in a way, because she will seek and soak up attention and although this child is welcomed, she will horde it as her personal happiness and only share when she seeks attention. She is also presumptuous in her online postings and it is frustrating to see. No remarks can I say in regards to her presumptuous statements other than I pray that things go well for her and that the baby is healthy and that the pregnancy goes well for her. I do not want to jinx her with the thoughts of loss or premature delivery, although she falls comfortably into that very risky demographic, I would hope this is a smooth ride for her. I heard she was quite ill over the holiday and behaving in such a way that many felt she should have stayed home and quarantined herself. I really just hope that things go alright for her, because at this point, she's making such a spectacle, that would be the worst for her to have to learn from some awful life lesson.

That's all I will say.

And I will be quiet about my life adventures, that is also what I am learning. Quiet and quietly bide my time. No one needs to know, and he's pretty good at figuring out when anything is up. I think that is the best idea. He notices when the cravings come before I do. He is the first to be affected when my sleeping patterns shift or I'm not feeling on top of it. He knows what's what, and that is every less explanation I have to give to him.

I don't know. I have no hope and no breath to hold. He's anxious about changes that would eventually come. It's just a mess that I don't want to touch with a ten foot pole, but we are going to have to sooner than later cause I know it isn't going to work itself out without any effort on our behalf. He gripes about the vitamins, but he takes them. He's noticing the benefit of their effects in so many other ways, mostly in feeling more energy and vitalized, so he'll take them when he remembers to and he wants to. The appointment dates loom nearer and near.

Even if it is a problem I can't solve right away, I would prefer recognizing the issue at hand. "How many years do you want to waste before confronting our fertility?" I ask. I knew in my gut something was going to take a long minute. Watch it go. How long will this clock tick for?

I was chatting with some of my close friends the other day, some friends I haven't really spoken to in awhile, and it seems like we are no longer on the same page, maybe not even in the same boat. I can empathize but they no longer take my words at point blank, how could I know? I'm not there, I'm not currently the same. One friend is at her wits end with the struggles of her life and the difficulties of being a single mother, and I support her, I'm there for her, but she got angry at me because I figured out a way and the Universe helped me out of it. She's happy for me, but it is a burning sting, and what can I do as her friend? I'm there for her and she knows it. That's all I can do.

But I can't share my struggles, because I'm playing in a different arena.

Another close friend, I'm not on the same page anymore as her ever. Her marriage is headed for a nasty divorce. They haven't been married long at all and it seemed like a big jump on her behalf, but something she definitely wanted. There were some key issues from the get go that were concerning, she didn't feel overwhelmingly attracted or emotionally drawn to him for a long time initially, even after he had declared his feelings of overwhelming love and adoration. Then he moved in and has a shitty job and shitty hours and refused to change that, even though he makes awful money, and common sense flew out the window and she's really been putting it all on the line for this guy, and I'm sure he loves her, but he refuses to step up to responsibility or follow through with being a good and positive role model. He won't grow up or change and he refuses to do anything in that regard to grow as a person. He doesn't support her emotionally and refuses to interact meaningfully with her children as a parent. He plays video games nonstop and is addicted to the lifestyle of an irresponsible twenty year old man. Getting married to her didn't change anything. He missed going to her son's kindergarten Christmas program simply because he forgot to go because he was sitting around smoking pot and playing video games instead, when confronted, he said it wasn't a big deal and his parent's never went to that stuff for him, so it didn't matter. Her son cried his eyes out and was extremely upset. Situations like that occur all the time and he's being a role model to her sons that it is okay to sit around and play video games all day and do nothing productive or creative with your life.

Anyhow, it upsets me because I was around long before he ever came into the picture and I care about her as a friend and I know what a smart and capable woman that she is. And I watched her jump into this situation, warned her about some major things I noticed, like that she was never happy and they fought all of the time about tons of things, and that he had already engaged in name calling and had a blatant refusal to educate himself to make better career choices, and she was still gung ho about it all. And that is her choice. As I told her, it was always her choice and as her friend I will support her no matter what, but this is what I see and it is concerning to me for her well being. So she's aware, and she's open enough to be able to clearly and honestly communicate such things.

But I'm sad to see her go through this, and I wish I had the time and effort to be there for her more, but this is her life to live out, and I'm sad because I know when she comes out of this breakup (the last one was really rough) I won't be there in the same way I was to support her through dating and singledom. I guess this time I will be the married woman.

And that's okay.

I'm getting a little more boring. Getting a lot more stable. Living quite happily. Relaxing in the life that I live. Beautiful man bought me all of the X-men dvds and sponsored a Kestrel for me. I prayed and prayed and prayed for one to see, and he since has seen plenty, but not me. But now me, because it had a broken wing. I'll take it. We're planning a trip to somewhere for today. Hooray

Merry After Christmas