I know I do something in my dreams. I know I go places that are real, were real, energy is a funny thing you see. Our material bodies are forced to the dimensions of this world and can only move forward in time chronologically....
but our spirit energy, our dream energy, we can do and go and see many many things
I don't know why last night was so vivid. I don't think I necessarily got *more* sleep but I wasn't in my *usual* spot and not one of the children was especially leaky so I didn't wake up in someone's pee and that was nice.
My dream was in HER apartment. By HER I mean your wife. Except it wasn't her apartment NOW it was her apartment BEFORE, and in some sphere of it I invaded into your previous love den of existence and I was there and I saw and I felt and you were there too. I kissed you with all the might of a thousand worlds. I miss you. I love you. I've always loved you, I never stopped.
I feel sometimes like in this life I made this mistake, because it gets so terribly hard
I am stupid. Because it was always going to be hard. I didn't know that. How hard depended on what set of factors I chose to deal with from the get go.
All I could do is pick a partner with whom I had passion. Because passion seldom fades while all the rest does. Passion makes small fires great and mighty and can be a detriment to have around volatile situations but passion can create new worlds and islands of being. It's all hw t is channeled--- that's what I have learned
And thusly, I am now awake, and filled with the conflict which is what happens when dream traveling mixes with reality- my motives don't match and here I feel as though I've betrayed my spouse. But I know I haven't. I can't control dream Michelle. She has her own agenda for what she's doing and where she's going.
I don't normally have such vivid dreams and I also don't normally sleep in until 8:30.
But I've dreamt of you plenty before. I wonder if my biggest mistake was letting you go. Sometimes I think so.
This morning I woke up with your music of choice still ringing in my ears. The volume loud, the lyrics clear. The part about being an angel without a halo. It eludes my logical brain now for documented explanation.
Love is something we never stop doing.
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
Sunday, November 18, 2018
No More Un-Joy
I will stomp out all of the un-joy I see around me in my presence. There is no room for that attitude in here.Gratitude is the only attitude. Grateful to be alive. Grateful for air to breathe. Thankful for any and all opportunity. Thank you for health, and wealth, and family, and friends. Thank you for EVERYTHING. Thank you for today, for yesterday, and if tomorrow is given.
The Universe is Speaking
I believe in Divine Timing. I do. Maybe I always did. But I really do.
Yesterday was a day to prove such lessons.
I met my nephew for the first time.By total random chance, I met him. He's cute.
He's barely 12 hours older than my baby Mavis-that's how close it came down to.
This is a child who was borne from a situation I had to cut myself clearly from. This is a child I was likely to have to raise myself-- or his soul at least wanted to be here enough to shake things up or this was the time and the chance to heal and my daughter's arrival was the catalyst for such.... I don't know, I don't know why or what needed to happen for things to happen the way that they did. But they did.
And thusly, I haven't really spoken or seen my sister is about a year....in some ways that has been for the better, because it was a most emotional time and difficult separation and removal from my family of origin over all of this enabling drama. I'm not upset I did what I had to do.... I'm glad I've had my own child to distract me from her subscription of life drama...
I'm really glad I didn't have to raise her baby.
He was clean. He was healthy. He was happy. He was adorable. He has a birthmark on his wrist. Who is he that the way to life was finally paved all the way through for him? Who is he that such transformation of the world aligned that he could be here? Who is this child?
I finally got to meet him.
There are so many factors which could have been different....even slightly so....just a few minutes off even.....and that random chance meet up would not have occurred.
What is the likelihood of two independent trajectories crossing paths at such a random time?
For BBQ for dinner also?
But indeed, I walked in before the rest of my gang was even out of the vehicle. I was hungry. Birthday party then shopping took a lot longer than I was hoping. We were glad the place was even still open. Thank goodness. Then I hear my name and behind me was her, my sister. I was polite and cordial--why not be? She asked if I wanted to meet him and I said sure. It was a nice meeting. I have some photos.
I don't know what will come of this. I figured I would see her again someday but I didn't sign up to see her. I sent the baby a small gift and I sent her some hair pins awhile back as a show of peace. That helped calm other waters and anxieties.
I don't know what is coming....but I do know that something is aligned and the Universe is speaking. I need to just sit back and listen. Go with the flow. Don't I know....
things are always shifting
Yesterday was a day to prove such lessons.
I met my nephew for the first time.By total random chance, I met him. He's cute.
He's barely 12 hours older than my baby Mavis-that's how close it came down to.
This is a child who was borne from a situation I had to cut myself clearly from. This is a child I was likely to have to raise myself-- or his soul at least wanted to be here enough to shake things up or this was the time and the chance to heal and my daughter's arrival was the catalyst for such.... I don't know, I don't know why or what needed to happen for things to happen the way that they did. But they did.
And thusly, I haven't really spoken or seen my sister is about a year....in some ways that has been for the better, because it was a most emotional time and difficult separation and removal from my family of origin over all of this enabling drama. I'm not upset I did what I had to do.... I'm glad I've had my own child to distract me from her subscription of life drama...
I'm really glad I didn't have to raise her baby.
He was clean. He was healthy. He was happy. He was adorable. He has a birthmark on his wrist. Who is he that the way to life was finally paved all the way through for him? Who is he that such transformation of the world aligned that he could be here? Who is this child?
I finally got to meet him.
There are so many factors which could have been different....even slightly so....just a few minutes off even.....and that random chance meet up would not have occurred.
What is the likelihood of two independent trajectories crossing paths at such a random time?
For BBQ for dinner also?
But indeed, I walked in before the rest of my gang was even out of the vehicle. I was hungry. Birthday party then shopping took a lot longer than I was hoping. We were glad the place was even still open. Thank goodness. Then I hear my name and behind me was her, my sister. I was polite and cordial--why not be? She asked if I wanted to meet him and I said sure. It was a nice meeting. I have some photos.
I don't know what will come of this. I figured I would see her again someday but I didn't sign up to see her. I sent the baby a small gift and I sent her some hair pins awhile back as a show of peace. That helped calm other waters and anxieties.
I don't know what is coming....but I do know that something is aligned and the Universe is speaking. I need to just sit back and listen. Go with the flow. Don't I know....
things are always shifting
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
I felt compelled
I felt compelled
When I awoke this morning I felt compelled to sit down and have a write
with all of the updates the computer had to do I think I might have had a faster time with paper and pen
but alas
I have arrived
I don't know how I have so much spark at this time of night considering how tired I was from my day yesterday and overall in general but for real
it's the middle of the night
all is quicet
kind of
there's always something and there are layers of it when the other sounds turn off
my cat is the noisiest child I have at night while the children are actually sleeping
and she doesn't care about making noise to play with foam blacks or scratch open the door to bother me for something while I'm in the bathroom
because I don't get any reprieve and I will likely never use the toilet alone again
In our house the bathroom is a communal place
oi vey
I have the urge to curl up on the couch with my sleeping wonderful so marvelously joyful 5 month baby and binge watch my murder shows while everyone is sleeping because I don't get the chance to watch television during the day
but I felt compelled to write before I did anything
I mademyself do my morning yoga rep. 3 sun salutations every morning upon rising. no matter what time. no matter what.
it does seem to be alleviating some of my physical issues and helping to balance things out again. I don't have so much stiffness or pain and my hips and pelvis haven't been an issue. It has been a minute since I've seen the chiropractor.
This last week was a busy week. It was a weird week. I know I was being tsted week. I don't know how I did overall, but it is some Universal shift and was I able to set healthy boundaries regarding someone else's mental health issues? Were my own struggles more publically revealed in many ways? Is it like a ripping open of a seal where there is a new phase of things to come? I offered everything we have in earnest and I don't feel taken advantage of but I'm peeved at having to clean up the pieces yet again. I have such an understanding of the why's of people and this meta cognitive awareness of how they come about making the decisions they ultimately do....but I am in control of no one. All I can do is offer my help to the best of my ability but there is nothing wrong with maintaing control over a space and nothing wrong with setting or establishing boundaries with other people and nothing wrong with feeling upset when those boundaries are crossed without my consent. I won't outline the precise situation as life is long and why harbor resentments for minor things...let them blow about like sand in a dune. Let them be light.
Let this lightness of being-- of understanding--- allow me to be humble to those I am most closely surrounded with. Let me transform my own self of being to be more gentle with those I handle on the daily.
I am compelled to be good. I am compelled not just to try, but to do. I am compelled to shine.
Let your light be mine. Truly Divine for all time. Let my good intentions shine.
When I awoke this morning I felt compelled to sit down and have a write
with all of the updates the computer had to do I think I might have had a faster time with paper and pen
but alas
I have arrived
I don't know how I have so much spark at this time of night considering how tired I was from my day yesterday and overall in general but for real
it's the middle of the night
all is quicet
kind of
there's always something and there are layers of it when the other sounds turn off
my cat is the noisiest child I have at night while the children are actually sleeping
and she doesn't care about making noise to play with foam blacks or scratch open the door to bother me for something while I'm in the bathroom
because I don't get any reprieve and I will likely never use the toilet alone again
In our house the bathroom is a communal place
oi vey
I have the urge to curl up on the couch with my sleeping wonderful so marvelously joyful 5 month baby and binge watch my murder shows while everyone is sleeping because I don't get the chance to watch television during the day
but I felt compelled to write before I did anything
I mademyself do my morning yoga rep. 3 sun salutations every morning upon rising. no matter what time. no matter what.
it does seem to be alleviating some of my physical issues and helping to balance things out again. I don't have so much stiffness or pain and my hips and pelvis haven't been an issue. It has been a minute since I've seen the chiropractor.
This last week was a busy week. It was a weird week. I know I was being tsted week. I don't know how I did overall, but it is some Universal shift and was I able to set healthy boundaries regarding someone else's mental health issues? Were my own struggles more publically revealed in many ways? Is it like a ripping open of a seal where there is a new phase of things to come? I offered everything we have in earnest and I don't feel taken advantage of but I'm peeved at having to clean up the pieces yet again. I have such an understanding of the why's of people and this meta cognitive awareness of how they come about making the decisions they ultimately do....but I am in control of no one. All I can do is offer my help to the best of my ability but there is nothing wrong with maintaing control over a space and nothing wrong with setting or establishing boundaries with other people and nothing wrong with feeling upset when those boundaries are crossed without my consent. I won't outline the precise situation as life is long and why harbor resentments for minor things...let them blow about like sand in a dune. Let them be light.
Let this lightness of being-- of understanding--- allow me to be humble to those I am most closely surrounded with. Let me transform my own self of being to be more gentle with those I handle on the daily.
I am compelled to be good. I am compelled not just to try, but to do. I am compelled to shine.
Let your light be mine. Truly Divine for all time. Let my good intentions shine.
Friday, August 3, 2018
Abundance of Blessings
It is in the mornings such as these that I find these moments
I squeeze all the juicy joy out of them
I have to
I don't see any other alternative at this point
Complaining seems so far away
at least these days
I'll take it.
There's always so much happening and a day feels like a month long
But I am joyfully occupied
I am only doing what brings me joy
I am tired
It is thankless
But I am reaping the rewards in term of my heart's happiness
Look at the children I'm raising-- they are growing and flourishing and blossoming
Look at this big boy of mine-- he is developing and growing
Look at this "baby"- her first tooth is cutting through and she's still peaches and cream
I love her so much.
I can't imagine our family without her
I can't imagine last year without her
I can't imagine now without her
She is truly a blessing and a joyful being.
Thank you for this abundance. Let me soak in all of it. Every moment. Let me sail through the difficult parts with patience and grace.
Let me earn my wear, like the Velveteen Rabbit
I squeeze all the juicy joy out of them
I have to
I don't see any other alternative at this point
Complaining seems so far away
at least these days
I'll take it.
There's always so much happening and a day feels like a month long
But I am joyfully occupied
I am only doing what brings me joy
I am tired
It is thankless
But I am reaping the rewards in term of my heart's happiness
Look at the children I'm raising-- they are growing and flourishing and blossoming
Look at this big boy of mine-- he is developing and growing
Look at this "baby"- her first tooth is cutting through and she's still peaches and cream
I love her so much.
I can't imagine our family without her
I can't imagine last year without her
I can't imagine now without her
She is truly a blessing and a joyful being.
Thank you for this abundance. Let me soak in all of it. Every moment. Let me sail through the difficult parts with patience and grace.
Let me earn my wear, like the Velveteen Rabbit